Essence 【Crystal Poems】(Part 2)

(3) Ji Jie liked to treat him like a younger brother; this could be considered a sort of consolation for him being close but unable to attain the moon. He would write poems and lyrics to her right under the teacher's eyes during class. When her shield chased away wave after wave of flies, or when she complained, as a younger brother, he had to listen respectfully. In his youthful recklessness, he was fond of Zhuangzi's idea, 'Heaven and earth were born with me; all things exist with me,' a kind of arrogance that went deep into the bones. The youth, unaware of the taste of sorrow, would recite his own compositions: 'The illusory dream of Southern Bough and Yellow Millet eventually awakens; life is just like a drifting duckweed,' 'Thinking of you through the night from a lonely tower, how many times have my tears soaked my sleeves?' All of this was just to let her know he was not ordinary, because he felt that meeting her made ordinary seem like a mistake! In the face of love, everyone—whether defiant, strong, stubborn, saintly, or ordinary—seems so meek, so soft, so helpless. Van Gogh lowered his once-proud head amidst the world, Pushkin sacrificed his life for love, Edward VIII loved the beauty but not the kingdom, King Zhou chose to betray the world rather than Cheng Ji, King You of Zhou lit beacons to amuse a smile, Wu Sangui disdained all for a beauty and accepted eternal scorn—so what? Every day he would send her a poem from the 'Book of Songs' via his phone. Originally, there were 360 poems—perfectly matching 360 days—but he sent only 359 because he knew he had no right to send 'Peach Blossom' on Valentine's Day. He merely folded the blank sheet with 'Peach Blossom' written on it into a small paper boat, carefully put it into the water, and watched it slowly sink. From 'Graceful lady, a gentleman seeks a partner' to 'The reeds are dense, and the white dew turns to frost,' he turned his longing inside out countless times between the lines. He thought that was good enough: being so close to see himself reflected in her smiling eyes; watching without restraint her furrowed brow as she pondered, even though he couldn't brush away the stray strands of hair on her face, and couldn't offer his shoulder for her to lean on. But with their meeting, acquaintance, friendship, and understanding, he was already very satisfied. Really, romance was just an occasional thought that could be ignored. After the college entrance exam, he no longer heard from her. Later, he heard she had been admitted to Fujian, and he did not feel particularly sad—perhaps because he had, from the start, set boundaries for this relationship. Still, he thought, he truly liked her. (4) Looking at the Qiantang River, longing for home Fallen branches shelter crows at dusk, morning dew splashes on fallen flowers.By the river, people look south, and autumn thoughts flow home. He walked alone with his suitcase into this university by the Qiantang River. What interested him was not the long history or grand scale of the university; he just wanted to know what kind of charm lay in 'listening to the tide by the pillow,' and whether it could compare to Su Dongpo's 'leaning to listen to the river sound.' His roommates were all from Zhejiang and were the easy-to-get-along-with type. Sharing similar interests, they became close in less than a day. On a whim, he wrote a poem titled 'Drinking Song': I am no humble man, wield my sword and play with the autumn wind. Snoring in the deep clouds, a lone lamp burns in the ancient temple. Climbing alone to the summit of Mount Tai, the slanting sun recalls dusk. As I stand beyond heaven and earth, the waters flow ever east. When they learned he was still single, they began relentlessly instilling the petty-bourgeois idea of 'since you have free time, you may as well fall in love.' He waited with a longing, waiting for the five-petaled lilac to bloom for him. Poet Browning once said: He looked at her, she glanced back and smiled, and suddenly life awakened. One day, while walking back to the dorm with his roommates, he noticed a very special girl. Though she did not have the all-encompassing beauty sung by Li Yannian, her crystal-clear eyes and lively demeanor gave her an ethereal aura. In his eyes, she was like a sprite lost in the human world. He, who had once scoffed at love at first sight, felt as if he had chopped off his left hand with his right. Whether it was fate or a trick of the heavens, his roommate happened to know her. He happily accepted this 'gift,' perhaps influenced by the roommate's motto of 'never miss a chance,' just as being around 'good people' feels like being in a room full of orchids. He got some important information, of course including her name and phone number. He sent her a text: Eating 'Crystal Love' jelly one bite at a time, hoping to eat away your worries bite by bite. Many words remained unsaid, because before, you always liked to treat me as your little brother… Now, is there anyone writing poems for you, again capturing a beauty that can rule a kingdom? But her crystal-clear eyes, lively and bright, gave her an ethereal aura; in his eyes, she looked like a sprite lost in the human world.Originally, he had sneered at love at first sight, but at that moment he felt as if he had chopped off his left hand with his right. Not knowing whether it was fate or a trick of heaven, his roommate actually knew her, and of course, he joyfully accepted this 'gift.' Perhaps he was influenced by his roommate's motto of 'never letting go of a missed opportunity.' As the saying goes, living with a 'good person' is like entering a room of orchids. He got what he wanted and learned some important information, including her name and phone number. He sent her a text: Eating the 'Crystal Love' jelly one bite at a time, hoping to eat away your worries bite by bite. Many words went unsaid because you used to like treating me as your little brother... Now, does anyone write poetry for you, or recite the 'Book of Songs' to you? She replied with one message: Sorry, you sent this to the wrong person. She was very happy. What a kind girl. At that time, he treated her as Ji Jie, speaking words he once dared not or could not say, with genuine feelings flowing between the lines. He just didn't know why he didn't tell her about Xia Yu. He told her he liked crystal the most, for its pure cleanliness and bright transparency, untouched by a speck of worldly dust; he told her about the origins of the thirteen scattered crystal skulls; he also shared some of his past stories about Ji Jie with her... She slowly listened, patiently comforted him, like a very close friend having a conversation. Days passed. He said he wanted to find a star close to him in the starry sky and tell her the stories behind every constellation, whether tragic or desolate, but all beautiful; she said she didn't like to just be a listener, as it was easy to lose oneself that way; he said he would only consider her lonely due to having no companion star, and when she felt pain, sorrow, or exhaustion and wanted to be a listener herself, he would then tell her... Perhaps God was watching over him, because during military training in the second semester, he and her class happened to be in the same place, and amidst his roommate's strange shouting, he felt a hasty and direct sense of happiness. During breaks in military training every day, a few of them would gather together, and the instructor would have students come up to perform—singing, dancing, anything as long as it was something they excelled at.Fang Miaoyu was called up to sing almost every day in their class. At that time, her smile extended from her crystal-like eyes to her eyebrows, nose, and mouth… He had always been afraid to tell her that he was actually by her side, because she had said that simply thinking about the possibility that the stranger who might look back at you in the vast crowd is him would make her feel deeply touched.

After the military training ended, their class went to the disco to bid farewell to the instructor. Unexpectedly, Fang Miaoyu was also there, but her hand was held by someone else. In that moment, he felt strangely calm, without a trace of jealousy or anger. He suddenly realized that this feeling was not the love he wanted, and he smiled in relief. Suddenly, he thought of Xia Yu! Xia Yu, what if it were Xia Yu's hand being held by someone else? Instantly, the smile vanished from his face, and his heart felt as if it were being tightly gripped, making it hard for him to breathe. No! Xia Yu's hand could only be held by him!

He finally realized how much he truly cared about Xia Yu! Being moved is not love, but sometimes people often mistake certain kinds of love for being moved. And he was just such a foolish person who thought he understood everything!

Precisely because he knew that Xia Yu's hand would not be held by others, he could confidently keep her behind him and lavish her entirely on what she gave him. He could carelessly and cruelly treat her love as mere emotion…

There were still two little goldfish she had bought in the fish tank, hair clips she had left on the desk, a bookmark she had given him tucked inside "Chrysanthemum Fragrance," and the jewel flowers she had planted on the balcony… Gradually, he had gotten used to having her, used to her care, her reminders, her coquettishness, used to her mere existence—but he had not gotten used to losing her, not used to facing the darkness alone!

(Six)

After a night of madness, the roommates all fell asleep with exhausted satisfaction. Under the diffused lights, he opened Xia Yu's diary with reverence and sorrow. The first page read: "Must one experience heart-wrenching pain to remember the taste of love? Must one feel longing to the very marrow to call it love? If so, then let me spend my entire youth mourning this yearning."

At that moment, tears streamed down his face. In love, he was like Peter Pan living on Neverland, never growing up, because he didn't want to and would not grow up, stubbornly viewing love through his own eyes. Even if it went against the person he loved, he would stubbornly refuse to look back.Page by page, the diary was flipped, and the once vague image of Xia Yu gradually became clear: her smile, her kindness, her tears, her fussiness, her coquettishness, her silence… Love grew along with her height and weight. Even if one day she no longer grew taller or gained weight, this love, carrying childhood promises, would still grow. Thoughts spread like tides, engulfing him: every Valentine's Day she would ask him to write a poem or lyrics, and she would always offer chocolat she personally picked in exchange. Even though she knew he didn't like the taste of chocolate, she simply liked seeing him do something he didn't enjoy for her; every April Fool's Day she would write 'I love you' with her left hand on a letter and sneak it into his book; every Arbor Day she would drag him to the back mountain to find a small tree, put her wish on paper into a glass bottle, and bury it beside the tree because she said the wish would grow with the tree; every night with a meteor shower, he had to drag her to the rooftop to wait for the dazzling scene he once considered unreal, and then earnestly make a wish… Her delicate charm and tenderness were like a stream in a deep valley shrouded in mist, flowing gently through the heart, carrying longing to every corner of the body. Outside, heavy rain fell; the dark night, the lonely streetlights, the deserted streets—all seemed to mock his silliness and sorrow. He stubbornly sought a fairytale-like love while trudging on the journey of love, and she foolishly followed, just hoping to see his shadow stepping in his footsteps. Until one day, she cried, got tired, and stopped to rest. Only after circling the Earth did he see the traces she had left and realize her love and his own. But by then, she had disappeared from his sight. Perhaps the pages of the "Book of Songs" had yellowed and faded, and the crystal had shattered into pieces of brilliance, while the weeping lilies finally bloomed in his tears. One day he received a message from a stranger: 'Before meeting me, please don't fall in love!' Looking up at the deep starry sky, he suddenly realized that the star he had found for Xia Yu was still beside him, unchanged. Xia Yu, you never really left, did you? So he began writing a novel, just to commemorate the lost youth and the people he had missed.