[Forward: Light Post] 79 Humorous and Embarrassing Quotes That Shock People: The Mind Is Meant to Collapse

1. I hope that one day I can double-click my wallet with a mouse, select a 100-yuan note, hold down Ctrl+C, and then keep pressing Ctrl+V. 2. Spending money to let others rub my oil off—that's what weight loss is all about. 3. Spirit is meant to collapse; personality is meant to split. 4. In a harmonious campus, the person riding a bicycle might be a doctoral supervisor, while the one driving a Benz could be a logistics worker... 5. Chickens understand the coldness of the world best; ducks know human warmth and cold first! 6. So-called fickleness is the feeling of having love and bread but still wanting cake; so-called affair is sneaking out of the besieged city only to fall into a trap; so-called romance is taking a rose home when buying cabbage for your wife; so-called kitchen is exactly in front of the red carpet when getting married... 7. Cheating isn't scary; what's scary is getting caught. 8. Nothing in the world lasts forever. If it flows, it flows away; if you store it, it dries up; if it grows, it slowly withers. 9. After a breakup, you can't be friends because you've hurt each other. You can't be enemies because you've loved each other deeply, so we become the most familiar strangers. 10. My wife, for the first time ever, supported me buying a car—hurry up and get a car, so I don't have to worry about bringing things when visiting my mom, and I can bring back more things when visiting your mom… 11. Bro, why are you so excited today? Are you in love or heartbroken? 12. When facing a man who pursues you, don't say you were abandoned before, because men tend to imitate. 13. By the cars in front of the government office, you know how many corrupt officials there are; by the inns around a university, you know the virginity rate of that university. 14. Being born is easy; living is easy, but life is not easy; writing is easy; publishing is easy, but getting people to reply is not easy. 15. Men gain experience from pleasure; women extract experience from pain. 16. In a house, the one hurt in love is the woman; before love, the one hurt by the house is the man. 17. A roommate put the class photo on the head of the bed to motivate himself. Asked why, he said: If I don't study hard and can't get into university, I'll marry one of our classmates!!! 18. The four deadly weapons of the Internet: Furong's beauty, Brother Chun's legs, Brother Zeng's throat, and Zad's mouth. 19. I have loneliness, plenty of solitude, little money, and a shortage of beauties.Therefore, I can only accompany loneliness, embrace solitude, hope for money, think about beautiful women, and live a difficult life! 20. The highest level of dieting: Did I even eat anything? 21. Stealing people is shameful, but stealing vegetables is honorable. 22. Where is the fragrant grass at the ends of the earth? Quickly, let's first look in our own class. 23. Someone like me can't be found even with a lantern, because I only recognize a flashlight. 24. Being good-looking can't be eaten as food, but it shouldn't let me lose my appetite. 25. I waited for you until my hair turned gray. 26. Mountains flatten, heaven and earth unite, yet we both must die. 27. Suddenly looking back, that person is still there, unwilling to leave. 28. Rabbits don't eat the grass near their nest, because the grass near the nest is not good. 29. Wives are easy to find, but money is hard to obtain. 30. Being stingy is not gentlemanly; without poison, there's no Trojan horse. Pandas who eat bamboo are national treasures; pandas who burn incense are viruses. 31. Raising fish is quite troublesome; you need to change the water once a week, and I often forget. Later, I had no choice but to just change the fish once a week. 32. Women are like a book; most men just want to flip through it without buying it. 33. Some things really make men feel pain in the groin and make women feel soreness in the chest! 34. Don't just play dumb in your youthful years. 35. Loving someone is not difficult; loving their accessories is the hardest. 36. Meeting a kindred spirit, drinking a thousand cups is too few; talking to someone you don't get along with, take a big gulp. 37. When are you most afraid of ghosts? When walking alone at night. When do you like ghosts? When playing cards. 38. People who think of themselves as insignificant are especially good at pretending to be humble. 39. Everything I do is so insignificant. Yet everything I choose to do is so important. 40. Smart men see women as prey; foolish men see women as pets. 41. Smart men speak half and keep half; smart women keep one eye open and one eye closed. 42. Men who like red hide a fire in their hearts; men who like blue are very intellectual; men who like green value a harmonious atmosphere; men who like silver pursue elegant taste. No wonder so many women love wearing floral clothes. 43. Standards for outstanding men and women: Persistent but not stubborn, easygoing but not careless, outstanding but not excessive, low-key but not vulgar, devoted but not pretentious, confident but not self-centered, seductive but not clingy, calculating but not scheming, humorous but not slick, trendy but not lewd, graceful but not drifting. 44. Save money to buy an ATM.45. If we build a 30-kilometer-high chimney, the Earth would become a lollipop. 46. Love is very similar to being drunk; you feel clear-headed, but your actions are uncontrollable. 47. Wife: Honey, I'm worried about our daughter's sexual orientation! Husband: Does that mean she's not interested in men? Wife: She's not interested in men, nor in women. She said, if she gets married, it will be to Grey Wolf. 48. Men quitting smoking is like women dieting; they are always thinking about starting tomorrow. 49. A mobile phone and a telephone got married and had a child called Xiaolingtong. It was ugly and had poor signal. To understand, the phone and telephone took Xiaolingtong for a DNA test, and the result was shocking: Wow! It turns out its father is a walkie-talkie! 50. A new clerk at the small shop downstairs always works as if reciting a mantra. Once a customer bought a bottle of soy sauce, and I heard the clerk smoothly say: That will be ten yuan, here's five yuan change. Would you like a straw? 51. A: "I picked up a mouse pad at the computer mall. Going home, I want to match it with a computer. What do you think is missing?" B: "I picked up a stone by the roadside. Going home, I want to build a house. What do you think is missing?" 52. Life is originally happy, why bother studying miserably… 53. With a kitchen knife in hand, I ask: Who in the world is the hero? 54. Your passion has taught me to give up… 55. Poisoned by the flower of love, but can't find the Valley of Heartlessness. 56. When going home from school, I saw a pretty girl get into a Mercedes, so I quietly rode my bike, thinking about my future life goals… 57. When paying salary, the accountant said to me: "Why don't you take your salary once every six months? There's too little change now…" 58. Quiet as a sow looking in the mirror, active like a hippo going mad. 59. Hold your hand, drag you to feed the dogs. 60. Day gave me an idiotic brain, yet I use it to think. 61. Night gave me black eyes, yet I use them to roll my eyes. 62. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as husband, indulge him if I want, and eat him when I get bored. 63. Who caused the tears in the eyes, who can still forgive with a smile? 64. Someone said women are like clothes. I was shocked to realize I've been running around naked for over 20 years! 65. Anyone who publicly makes out crazily in the cafeteria, study room, or in front of the teaching building—cannot afford a hotel room. 66. You ask me what I like about you, I say I like you to stay a little farther away from me. 67. Every broken pot has its lid, every broken person has their lover!68. I died, and I stood back up in the blazing fire. Guess whether it's a corpse mutation or nirvana… 69. I might have watched too much "Prison Break"! As soon as I see a piece of paper, I want to fold an origami crane. When I see a screw, I want to twist it. When I eat, I start having fits! Whenever I have fits, the watch of the person next to me disappears… 70. I'm like a fly lying on glass: the future is bright, but I can't find a way out. 71. There's always an onion that will make you cry! 72. Brothers are like limbs, women are like clothes; whoever touches my limbs, I'll wear his clothes; whoever wears my clothes, I'll chop off his limbs. 73. Fall where you fall, lie there. 74. Boss, give me two pounds of love—I took it home to feed the dog! 75. When drunk, I admit no one's authority, I just lean on the wall. 76. When you can't endure anymore, endure from the beginning again. 77. Diamonds are forever, but one will bankrupt you. 78. If you look like a steamed bun, don't complain if the dogs follow you. 79. Water can carry a boat, but it can also cook porridge.