1. Xiao Zhang was flirting with a beautiful woman on QQ!
Xiao Zhang sent a message: "Beautiful, you're so pretty and sexy, are you free tonight?"
The beautiful woman replied: "What do you want to do?"
Xiao Zhang immediately replied: "I want to!"
2. A reporter went to the Antarctic to interview 100 penguins! He asked these penguins what they do all day.
The first one said: "Eat, sleep, play with beans."
The second said: "Eat, sleep, play with beans."
It was the same for the first 99; when he asked the 100th, it said: "Eat, sleep."
The reporter asked: "Why don't you play with beans?"
The penguin said: "Damn it, I am the beans."
3. Three mice were boasting!
The white mouse said it could jump into the wine jar and drink as much as it wants without getting drunk.
The gray mouse said: "What's that! Everywhere are traps, but I still go clubbing without a care."
The black mouse looked at its watch and said: "Sorry! Excuse me, I need to go chase after cats!"
4. One night, a couple had a disagreement and got into a heated argument!
The next day, a neighbor asked: "I heard you and your wife were arguing badly last night, what happened in the end?"
The answer: "In the end, she crawled towards me on all fours, kneeling."
The neighbor asked again: "Really? What did she say to you?"
The reply: "She said: 'Get out from under the bed, you useless man!'
5. Mother butterfly said to her daughter: "You should marry a mosquito. It's okay if it's small and dark, at least it's a leader!"
The butterfly daughter asked puzzled: "What kind of leader is it?"
Mother butterfly said seriously: "Of course it's a leader. Whenever it speaks, everyone applauds. If it weren't a leader, what else could it be!"
6. Once upon a time, there was a lazy couple. The man never washed his face, and the woman never scrubbed the pots.
One day, a thief came to steal something. The house was so messy he couldn't find anything valuable. Just as he was frustrated, the man caught him. In the panic, the thief grabbed a pot and ran!
The man hurried to chase after him!
A while later, the man came back and said to his wife, "The thief saw me catching up and stabbed me in the face. But luckily, I never wash my face, it was all covered with grime, and the knife didn't pierce through at all, haha!"
His wife seriously said: "It's fine as long as nothing happened."Look, luckily I never scrub the pot, he only stole that layer of grime on the surface!”
7. The wife spent a huge amount on cosmetic surgery and a few days later returned home as a beauty! Upon entering, she said to her bewildered husband, “What? Don't recognize me?” The husband was stunned for a moment, then said in surprise, “Come in quickly, my wife isn't at home.”
8. In the morning, the younger brother saw a bottle on the table containing “cereal” and ate it for breakfast! Just then, the older brother returned from morning exercise, finished washing and grooming, sat at the table to tend to his feet, and suddenly asked his younger brother, “Did you see the bottle on the table? It has the foot flakes I saved!”
9. A car driver parked by the roadside wanting to rest. As he lay on the seat, someone asked the time, and he looked at his watch: “It's almost 8 o'clock.” Just as he fell asleep, there was a knock on the window: “Sir, do you know the time?” He had to check again and replied, “It's 8:30.” Too many people knocked, he couldn't sleep, so he wrote a note and stuck it on the car window: “I don't know the time!” Extremely sleepy, the driver lay down again. But a few minutes later, a passerby knocked on the window again: “Hey, sir, it's a quarter to 9!”
10. An elderly couple born on the same day celebrated their 60th birthday! During the banquet, God appeared and said they could each make two wishes! The old woman said, “My dream is to travel the world.” God waved his magic wand, and suddenly a large stack of airline tickets appeared. The old man said, “I want to live with a woman 30 years younger than me.” God waved his magic wand, and poof! The old man became 90 years old!
11. Zhao Benshan rode a donkey into the city and ran into Fan Wei! Fan Wei asked, “Have you eaten?” Zhao Benshan said, “Yes!” Fan Wei said proudly, “I'm asking the donkey, why are you interfering?” Zhao Benshan turned and slapped the donkey twice, scolding, “You didn't even tell your relatives in the city.”
12. A child stood next to a blacksmith's shop watching the blacksmith hammer metal! The blacksmith was annoyed by the child and brought out a piece of red-hot iron, scaring the child! The child blinked and said, “Give me a yuan, and I'll dare to lick it!”The blacksmith, after hearing this, immediately took out a yuan and gave it to the little girl! The child took the money, licked it with her tongue, put it in her pocket, and walked away... 13. On the street, a plump middle-aged woman in a yellow T-shirt came walking! The T-shirt across her chest had a few words written on it: 'I am a chu woman!' Passersby curiously stopped in their tracks, and the plump woman smiled as she walked past them. Shortly after, everyone suddenly dispersed with a roar! It turned out that on the back of the plump woman was another line of words: 'That was a long time ago.' 14. Brother Wang returned from a business trip and, fearing his wife might cheat, immediately asked the apartment manager for news. Brother Wang: 'Has anyone come to see my wife? For example, men you don't know, or other people?' Manager: 'No, only a milkman came the day before yesterday.' Brother Wang: 'I see, then I can be at ease.' Brother Pi let out a sigh of relief. Manager: 'But he still hasn't come down yet!' 15. A company was hiring new staff, and after several rounds of assessments, they selected three men and one woman for the final interview. On the day of the interview, the general manager personally took charge, leading the four of them to a restaurant. The general manager ordered a bowl of Zhajiang noodles and then asked a question: 'I have only one bowl of Zhajiang noodles here. Can you tell me a way to share this same bowl with me without spending a single cent?' The first male candidate confidently answered: 'Get another bowl and divide the noodles into two portions.' The second male candidate arrogantly answered: 'No need to bother, just get another pair of chopsticks and eat together!' The third male candidate humbly answered: 'I will eat the noodles that the general manager leaves behind.' However, only the sole female candidate's answer pleased the general manager the most, and in the end, she was appointed secretary on the spot. The female candidate's answer was: 'General Manager, don't wipe your mouth after eating the noodles.' 16. The introverted Xiao Zhang saw a beautiful woman in a bar. After hesitating for a long time, he finally mustered the courage and added the lonely beauty on QQ: 334650~ Approaching her, he whispered, 'Can I talk to you?' Suddenly, the woman shouted loudly: 'No, I won't sleep with you!'The entire bar kept their eyes on the two of them. Xiao Zhang felt very embarrassed, blushed, remained silent, and very aggrievedly returned to his seat.
After a while, the woman walked over to Xiao Zhang and whispered, "Sorry, I'm a psychology student. I just wanted to test how people react in awkward situations."
At this moment, Xiao Zhang shouted, "You want 200 yuan? That's too expensive!"
17. A group of fireflies was flying in the air, and one of them wasn't glowing!
Another firefly curiously asked him, "Hey buddy, why aren't you glowing?"
The non-glowing firefly replied, "Ah, buddy, I forgot to pay the electricity bill last month!"
18. Two beautiful women were talking in the elevator about which cosmetic whitened the skin the best.
Meanwhile, a black man was silently standing nearby listening.
Suddenly, the black man said to the two women, "It's useless! I tried it, it didn't work!"
19. Xiao Qiang took his friend to visit his grandmother.
While Xiao Qiang was talking with his grandmother, his friend unceremoniously started eating the peanuts on the table.
A long time later, when they were leaving, Xiao Qiang's friend said to Xiao Qiang's grandmother, "Thank you for the peanuts, they were delicious!"
Grandmother replied, "Those are actually peanut chocolates. Since I lost all my teeth, I can only suck off the chocolate coating. Getting old, cough cough..."
20. A man got airsick on a plane and couldn't help but vomit, hurriedly asking the flight attendant for a plastic bag!
Unexpectedly, he was so sick that the plastic bag quickly filled up!
The flight attendant said, "Hold on, I'll get another one!"
When she returned, she found that the floor was covered in vomit!
The flight attendant angrily asked, "What happened?"
The passenger said, "As soon as I saw it was about to be full, I quickly took a sip, and unexpectedly, everyone else vomited!"
21. Yesterday's news report: A nun raped someone while walking in the park. Today's news report: Today, hundreds of nuns walked in the park.
22. A farmer wanted to kill a rooster but couldn't catch it, so he grabbed a hen and said to the rooster: "Come down now, or you'll remain single!"
Rooster: "Do you think I'm stupid? If I come down, she'll become a widow..."23. When the Jingjiu Railway was opened, farmers along the route watched from the roadside. A female passenger on the train threw a sanitary pad out of the window after changing it, and it stuck on a farmer's face coming the other way. After removing it, the farmer said: Damn! This train is really fast; even a piece of paper can punch your nose and make it bleed!!!
24. A fly in the restaurant said to a fly in the restroom: You chase stench all day, while I feast on delicious food every day, come over here! The restroom fly replied: We are different and cannot work together. What's the use of eating well? How many beautiful butts have you seen???
