Twisted Journey to the West

The humble monk comes from the Eastern Tang of the Great Tang Dynasty and earnestly asks to stay here for one night... Huh? Benefactor? Benefactor, please open the door! Benefactor? Damn it! Damn! Such twisted classic lines from Journey to the West, truly unbearable, the poor monk is about to collapse! Tang Sanzang: I've never lacked calcium since I was young, and I'm not lacking love as I grow up. Don't say my morals are corrupt. Although I've met countless women, I always fail. Wukong: When I love you, even a toad dares to eat swan meat; when I don't love you, flowers stink more than cow dung. Bajie: Men pretend to be drunk to give women an opportunity; women become bad because men are all-loving. Sha Seng: Only I am qualified to loudly declare to the whole world—before the apocalypse, I am the only virgin! Tang Sanzang: 'This woman should only exist in heaven, how often can one kiss in the human world?' Wukong: 'Since she should only exist in heaven, I, Old Sun, will send her up there!' Tang Sanzang: 'If you send her up there, the old monk will drink the painless death potion to find her in heaven!' Tang Sanzang: Now I finally understand, in this world, monsters are better than beauties. Monsters only want to eat my flesh, which is impossible, but beauties are after my BMW, so I might have to walk on the pilgrimage. Queen, I am Sanzang, we have reached the Lion Camel Country, love you, miss you, kiss you. Do not reply to the message, the disciple is here, inconvenient. Daughter Kingdom Queen Signature: The elder's surname is Tang, sweet to the point of sadness. Tang Sanzang: Benefactor, the humble monk comes from the Eastern Tang of the Great Tang Dynasty and earnestly asks to stay here for one night... Huh? Benefactor? Benefactor, please open the door! Benefactor? Damn it! Wukong: I never hold grudges, if there is a grudge I usually repay it on the spot. Qingxia: I once thought I was a flower on the cliff, but later I realized, I'm just a speck in the sea of people. Bajie: I can resist everything, except temptation... Tang Sanzang: Recently Bajie looks pale and yellowish, probably from excessive indulgence, is there any way to make him self-restrain? Wukong: How about giving him my tight headband as underwear? Tang Sanzang: Just off the brow, yet on the mind... Bajie: Just left the Red Mansion, rushing to the Green Mansion. Tang Sanzang: Disciples, listen to your master's impromptu poem. Two yellow orioles sing in the willow, a red apricot branch peeks over the wall. Flowers bloom inside the wall, fragrance outside, the disciples don't climb, but the master does. Bajie: Master, that mischievous monkey said you are Ultraman. Tang Sanzang: Damn, I'm much more handsome than that robot! Bajie: Come on, it's OUT MAN! Tang Sanzang: Wukong, let Bajie go catch the carp spirit. You're not good with water, if you drown, how could the master ever afford the salvage fee?Oh, no no, Bajie is fine, he will float up by himself.

Tang Seng: Amitabha, this poor monk, Tripitaka, pays homage to Bodhisattva Guanyin. I am amazed to hear that the Bodhisattva, honored by the Buddha himself as a director, is casting roles for this journey to the West. I am here to audition. Meeting for the first time, I will first go take a bath. Please wait a moment, Bodhisattva. Tonight, I will surely devote myself fully.

Tang Seng's text message: Queen, I, Tripitaka, we have arrived at Lion Camel Kingdom, miss you, kiss you. Do not reply, disciples are around.

Tang Seng: Haha, the market here is really lively, it's been so long since we've passed through such a bustling area. Hey Wukong, look at those few little Western kids who have been following us since earlier, curly hair, big eyes, very obedient! Truly simple and adorable, hahaha... huh? Bajie, where's your rake? Hey Wujing, where's our luggage? Ah! Where's my White Dragon Horse?

Tang Seng: Benefactor, I am a poor monk from the Eastern Tang and humbly request to stay here for one night... Huh? Benefactor? Benefactor, please open the door, benefactor? Damn!

Tang Seng: Wukong, you rascal! Do not take action! Those benefactors aren't demons, how can you repeatedly disobey my teachings and recklessly kill? Oh? They are merchants buying land to build buildings? Amitabha, Wujing, help me hold the Five Buddha Crown; Wukong, lend me the Golden Cudgel for a moment! No, Bajie, give me your rake! Damn you.

Tang Seng: Amitabha, a monk does not speak falsely. Female benefactor, you truly are the most beautiful and sexy woman this poor monk has encountered since leaving the Eastern Tang. Look at your beautiful hair, your jade-like hands, your skin, the feel of it...

Bajie: Brother Monkey, was this the ring you used to propose to Fairy Zixia back then? You're hilarious! Not even half a carat of diamond, who would even care about you! Back then Chang'e embarrassed me and said: Don't talk to me about love, first check how big the diamond is! Sigh, fairies these days are so practical. I tell you, just for this particular fairy, even if you tried to hit her with a diamond brick, she wouldn't even scream for help...