1. I'm from the University of Architecture. Today I went to buy a house and suddenly realized that the planner is my classmate, the developer is my classmate, the construction is done by my classmate, the supervisor is my classmate, and even the interior designer is my classmate. Just thinking about it is scary. Damn it! It's all a bunch of last-minute crammers who only study before exams…
2. Mainland Life Guide: Hold your child tight, watch your dog, control your wife, forbid online friends. Be careful every step you take; if hit by a car, don't look back! Best to eat what's from the field, avoid processed food. If they tear down your house, leave immediately—staying increases risk! Save some nutrition, raise your own dairy cow. If you're sick, ask fellow patients; doctors treat you like a dog. Housing prices are already terrifying; first consult fate. Live modestly, walk the edges, how far you go depends on your household registration.
3. In China, there is the most ruthless person named Huohu, because we often see or hear: Huohu beat someone to death, Huohu drove someone to death, Huohu angered someone to death, Huohu stressed someone to death… In China, there is also the most pitiful person named Huohu, because we also often see or hear: Huohu was beaten to death, Huohu was stressed to death, Huohu was driven to death, Huohu was angered to death…
4. Netizens: Copying homework is actually not called copying homework. In Chinese, it's called reference; in Math, analogy; in English, copy; in Geography, transfer; in Biology, transcription; in Physics, reference frame; in Chemistry, isomer; in Politics, seeking common ground while preserving differences; in History, cultural unification.
5. On a plane, a father and daughter. The father is 30, the daughter 6 or 7. The flight attendant is very pretty, and the father can't help looking a few more times. The daughter says, “What are you looking at? Do you find it interesting? How can you be like this when Mom isn't around?” The father blushes red: “Hurry up and eat, stop talking, or I won't bring you out next time!” The daughter mumbles: “They say daughters are their father's lovers from a past life. I just don't get it—why did I choose you in my past life?”
6. One day during a Biology exam, there was a question where you had to guess the bird's name by looking at its legs. One student really didn't understand it and angrily tore up the paper, preparing to leave the exam. The invigilator was very angry and asked him, “Which class are you in, and what's your name?” The student lifted his pant leg and said, “Guess…”7. No matter if we watch a romance drama or a youth idol drama, in the end, when the male and female leads get married, the TV show or movie comes to a conclusion. What does this indicate? Profoundly, it shows that as long as a man and a woman get married, there's no plot left afterwards!
8. Someone walks into the library to borrow a suicide guide. The librarian says, 'Get lost!!! You definitely won't return it.'
9. Japanese news: With the increasing number of deaths, the global average length of the male genitalia has also increased.
10. My girlfriend said that her ex-boyfriend was much better at kissing than me. I have to admit, he really was great.
11. While taking a shower, I realized I'm definitely not the biggest, but the most tragic thing is that when my wife uploaded our selfies to ***, they actually categorized the video under the lesbian section.
12. My mom always says that good men are especially, especially hard to find. Following this logic, the best man who ever existed in history is Osama bin Laden.
13. In class, a classmate passed me a note. Seeing the content, I really wanted to hit him. It said: 'Are you there?'
14. 'Hello, host, I am squeezed in Bus No.1. I want to dedicate a song to the girl by the window in front, the one by Jacky Cheung, you know, yes, yes, yes, on Bus No.1 with you, I don't mind being squeezed at all.' But if what is said is: 'I want to wake up with you' — then you are Xu Zhimo…
16. Today I asked a girl for her phone number, and she said, 'I'll give you my QQ.' I said okay, went back to add her QQ, and the verification message for her QQ was 'My phone number is ___' — can you not be so indirect?!
17. A young hot mom was taking her three-year-old son on the bus. The mom held her son on her lap, with the son facing away from her, quiet the whole trip. After a long time, the son suddenly turned his head and loudly asked: 'Mom, can I ask you a question?' Hot mom: 'Sure.' The son said, 'What have you been doing with your hand on my genitalia?! I've endured it for a long time!' The whole bus burst out laughing!
18. The gates of heaven are broken and need repairs; they are open for bidding. An Indian said: 'I can fix it for only 3,000 yuan, because the materials cost 1,000, labor 1,000, and I earn 1,000 myself.' Then a German said: 'It costs 6,000 yuan; the materials cost 2,000, labor costs 2,000, and I earn 2,000.'Finally, a Chinese person came running. The Chinese person said: 'This costs 9,000 yuan, 3,000 yuan for you, 3,000 yuan for me, and the remaining 3,000 for that Indian!' 19. We've been taking the college entrance exam for so many years; shouldn't there be an anniversary celebration? Take 400, get 350 free; 30% off the minimum score for the first-tier admission; take the third-tier, get second-tier experience coupons! 20. Reasons for being late to work: I had a dream in the morning, in my dream, my friends and I were kidnapped. Just as we were thinking about how to escape, the alarm clock rang. I got up, ready to put on clothes, and suddenly thought: if I slip away, will the rest of my buddies be killed? Brothers are like family; I can't abandon them, so I lay back down and continued sleeping. 21. [Ten Unspoken Rules in Chinese Universities] 1. Grades are proportional to the teacher's impression; 2. Student council elections are just a formality; 3. Party members are pre-determined; 4. Always buy the expensive textbooks, not the correct ones; 5. Medications from the campus hospital are the cheapest; 6. The flowers of love often wither at graduation; 7. Liberal arts students are the main unemployed group; 8. Degrees are defective products bought with tuition; 9. Student councils are full of internal strife; 10. The last one or two weeks before exams are as important as a whole semester. 22. Someone's QQ status was very funny, romantically writing: 'You give me fifty cents, I give you fifty cents, then we can be together!' While everyone envied this, another girl said: 'You give me sixty cents, I give you sixty cents, then we can be together!' Yet another girl chimed in: 'You give me seventy cents, I give you seventy cents, then we can die together.' 23. A woman's husband passed away, and the pastor was conducting the funeral. The pastor asked the woman: 'What would you like to inscribe on your husband's tombstone?' The woman, crying, replied: 'Finally hard.' 24. A man wanted to divorce his wife but was afraid of hurting their three-year-old daughter. So he coaxed the daughter: 'Mom is old now, not pretty anymore. How about we get you a new mom?' The daughter thought for a moment and said: 'No way! Your mom is so old, why don't you replace your mom!' 25. A man sent a romantic message to his girlfriend: 'What are you doing? Are you dreaming? Send me your dreams; I'll put them in my mind. Are you laughing? Send me your laughter; I'll put it on my lips. Are you crying? Send me your tears; I'll put them in my eyes.' The girlfriend replied: 'I'm pooping...' 26. [Obscure Trend] A woman, thinking highly of herself, hung a banner in the dorm: 'Today a Huaxia Girl, Tomorrow a Successful Woman.'As a result, a certain guy hung the same banner at the door of his own dormitory... 27. The English teacher asked the students to translate the KFC slogan 'We do chicken right!' (Cooking Chicken Expert), and the answers were all over the place: ①We do chicken correctly. ②We make the right chicken. ③We make chicken on the right. ④We are on the right to make chicken. ⑤We make the right side of chicken. ⑥We make the chicken on the right side. ⑦The right side is making chicken. ⑧We make chicken, right? ⑨Shall we make chicken? ⑩Right! Let's make chicken! 28. [Three-Character Classic of Love] From the beginning, people fall in love; if you don't understand love, please leave; if you fear hurt, don't come over; if you've been hurt, get up; when you meet love, come again; during love, open your heart; small-mindedness brings discomfort; do not pick roadside flowers; be loyal in feelings; do not blame, do not cheat; when not in love, let go; if you don't love, someone else does; when breaking up, keep smiling; nowadays, seeking true love, do not expect; when facing things, think openly; if you don't understand her, don't guess blindly... 29. 1. My heart is not a bus; just because there is a seat, you cannot sit. 2. Don't send sparks to me, because I have caller ID. 3. Life is like nervousness, without precise lyrics, yet thrilling. 4. What are bad people? Men who take off their pants in daytime, women who don't remove their makeup at night. 5. The difference between an affair and a fling is, the former has a result, the latter does not. 6. The most useless thing in the world is a pay slip: it makes you angry when seen, too meticulous to wipe your bottom. 30. [Troubles are all about rooms] Nowadays, men worry about secret rooms, women worry about breasts, elderly worry about hearts, college students worry about booking a room, workers worry about rented rooms, patients worry about hospital rooms, women in labor worry about delivery rooms, newlyweds worry about new houses, petty citizens worry about demolition, ordinary people worry about housing, producers worry about box office, rich people worry about a second house, bad people worry about classrooms... 31. My pursuit in this life is very simple, I just want two flowers, namely: 'Money to spend' and 'Spending freely.' 32. They always say that as long as you wait, the right person will appear. What I want to say is, after waiting so many years, at least reply to me! Are you stuck in traffic or lost?!! 33. A certain guy likes Da S, and a narcissistic girl scoffed disdainfully: 'I am much better than Da S!' Guy: 'You are not better than Da S, but you certainly are more than Da S.' Girl overjoyed: 'More of what?'“The man slowly said: 'You have one more B than Da S…' 34. Upon waking from a sleep, I found myself transformed into a burly man wearing Qing Dynasty official robes of very high rank, standing in the main hall of the imperial palace, with eunuchs, palace maids, and even the emperor treating me with respect. I thought to myself that I must have been a famous minister of the past. I made a few adjustments, drove out the barbarians, and the Han Dynasty's realm would be promising! While pondering this, I heard the emperor in front of me say: 'These days I have been idle, and I have trained a dozen young eunuchs to practice bookkeeping. If Young Master Ao has the interest, you might instruct them a few tricks?' 35. This year is the college entrance exam for liberal arts, a year of misfortunes for graduate school candidates. This year marks 100 years since the Xinhai Revolution, 90 years since the founding of the Communist Party of China, 90 years since the implementation of the New Economic Policy, 80 years since the outbreak of the War of Resistance, 60 years since the Korean War, 40 years since China's return to the United Nations, 30 years since the establishment of special economic zones, 20 years since the end of the Cold War… 36. I miss the days with her, when one condom would last until dawn; I also miss the days with another her, when waking up left condoms scattered all over; in fact, what I miss the most is a single condom, with days lying all over it with them… 37. In Chinese class, the teacher wrote '软' ('soft') on the blackboard and asked everyone to spell it out. The boys shouted together: 'ri wan—soft.' The teacher said: The boys' pronunciation is incorrect, let the girls supplement. The girls shouted together: 'ri wan an—soft.' The class monitor corrected: 'ri wu wan—soft.' The teacher, impatient, sternly corrected: The correct spelling should be 'ri wu wan an—soft.' 38. [The most wrongly attributed time-travel story] Chen Shimei really existed, known for being upright and honest in office. A classmate, Hu Mengdie, sought an official position through him but was refused, and held revenge in her heart, so she fabricated a story combining promotion, wealth acquisition, ingratitude, wife abandonment, and child destruction, turning it into a play. In the end, Qing Dynasty Chen Shimei was executed by Song Dynasty Judge Bao. 39. Between the following two options, which do you think is more credible? 1. Bin Laden is not dead; 2. The National Bureau of Statistics announces that the average monthly housing expenditure for Chinese people is 111 yuan. 40. Pervert reciting pi: 3.1 tear one cover pinch two meat… 41. A: It's raining heavily outside, and just now a lightning strike hit the ground not far from me (while I was smoking on the balcony). Is heaven warning me because I am currently downloading a few Japanese movies? Help!!! B: It is hinting at you to use Thunder (a download software)…42. Confucius tells you what it means to teach according to 'money': At thirty, establishing oneself – thirty taels of silver, you can only stand and listen to the class; At forty, no confusion – forty taels, you can keep asking questions until you have no doubts; At fifty, knowing heaven's mandate – fifty taels, you can know the topics for tomorrow's exam; At sixty, ears in harmony – sixty taels, the teacher will say what you like to hear; At seventy, following your heart's desire – seventy taels, whether you come or how well you learn, doesn't matter anymore.
