Smile, and you'll be ten years younger… Today, an elderly man went to ICBC to withdraw money with his card—1000 yuan; Teller: Sir, amounts below 3000 yuan should be withdrawn from the ATM. Elderly man: I don't know how to use it! Teller: Amounts under 3000 yuan cannot be processed at the counter. The elderly man tried to reason for a long time, but the teller still refused. Elderly man: Then I'll withdraw 5000 yuan!!!! Teller: Should've said that earlier! Here's your money! Elderly man: I want to deposit 4000 yuan! Teller: … A woman invited a Taoist priest to drive out ghosts, saying: 'Master! Recently, strange things have been happening. First, when going upstairs, the wooden steps broke as I walked on them. Later, when I sat on a chair, it also broke! The scariest thing is, at night when I sleep, the bed also collapses! Please help me, Master! I'm so scared!' The Taoist priest listened and took out a peachwood sword, swung it around, pointed it at the woman, and shouted: 'Idiot! You need to lose weight!' Speaking of childhood, my family upbringing was very good. Every time I went out, I would shout, 'Mom, I'm leaving.' Only after my mom responded would I leave. One day, my mom hadn't woken up yet, so I left first. I shouted: 'Mom, I'm leaving.' No response. Then I shouted again: 'Mom, I'm leaving.' Still no response. I shouted once more: 'Mom, I'm leaving!' My mom got up, rushed to the door, and said: 'Get lost!' (⊙o⊙)… I left steadily~~ left~~~ left~~~ If a man can: 1. Put your photo as his phone screen background. 2. Let you look through his phone anytime. 3. Not raise his voice at you. 4. Tell you his QQ password. 5. Give you his bank card along with its password. Then, you might as well take his money and leave. Potatoes and onions are good friends, but the onion always likes to make fun of the potato. One day, the onion said to the potato: 'Little potato, little potato, not only do you look plain, but even your name has the word "potato" in it.' The potato got angry and ignored the onion for several days. The onion didn't know why, and whenever it saw the potato, it would call out: 'Little potato! Little potato!' The potato angrily replied: 'Don't you dare call me potato, my last name is Onion, I'm Onion!!' Today, bored in the office, I was playing with a magnet when my boss saw me. The boss reached for it, and suddenly, 'whoosh,' the magnet stuck to the boss's gold ring… Airport ticket check: 'Sir, what happened to this scar on your face?'“,” That year my mom had a C-section...
Once, a few colleagues went to the United States. While shopping at a supermarket, they were discussing things in the Jinan dialect. An American came over speaking perfect Jinan dialect: “Are you from Jinan?!” Sweating in shock, it turned out that this foreigner was a descendant of Americans who stayed in China during the war. Colleagues asked him: “How's your English?” The foreigner slapped his thigh and said: “English is so damn hard to learn!!”
My dad called and asked: Are you okay? I said: “Yes, what's wrong?” He said: I received a text message saying our son was kidnapped and we need to gather 200,000 in 3 days, otherwise they'll tear up the ransom note. I reassured my father: “Dad, there are too many scam messages like that. Don't even pay attention to them. When did you get it?” My dad: Last month.
He can call your name accurately even though you don't know his surname. He insists on coming to your house every month and brings something you like each time. He can even watch you in a sleepy daze in your pajamas and still ask for your autograph without any disgust. He is the delivery guy.
History exam multiple-choice question: Who fired the first shot of the Huanghuagang Uprising? A. Song Jiaoren B. Sun Yat-sen C. Huang Xing D. Xu Xilin. The student chose C. Then they looked at the second question: Who fired the second shot of the Huanghuagang Uprising? The student was confused and just chose B. Then the third question: In the Huanghuagang Uprising, who fired the third shot? The student went crazy and randomly picked A. After the exam, they went to the teacher who gave out the papers. The teacher opened the textbook and said: Huang Xing fired three shots, starting the Huanghuagang Uprising...
An American painstakingly collected seven Dragon Balls, and the dragon appeared magnificently: “Do you have any wishes?” The American paused and asked: “Can you speak English?” Dragon: “Sure~” and then the dragon left...
In a high school Chinese exam, there was a fill-in-the-blank question: The mountain said to the sea: “You are so vast, so turbulent, so magnificent…” The blank below was for the sea's reply to the mountain: ( ). Everyone tried their best to imagine, but when the papers were handed back, one student had written in the blank: “Thank you.”Received an invitation for a movie role… to play Huo Yuanjia… but need to lose weight… because the director said it was to play a skinny Huo Yuanjia… Later I found out it was… Salesman Jia…
Madam He said to her husband: “Neighbor Grandpa Han named his grandson Han Jinliang, and Grandpa Gao named his grandson Gao Keji, we will have a grandson soon too, you should give him a grand name as well.” Grandpa He replied without thinking: “Let's call him He Weapon!”
In the morning, I went shopping with my mom~ I asked the vegetable uncle: Is this spinach? Uncle: Meow~ I asked again, uncle: Meow~ I found it too scary, so I turned around and hurried my mom to leave… On the way home after buying groceries, I mentioned that uncle again, and my mom told me the vegetable was 'spinach sprouts.'
After the final exam, the teacher criticized me in class for performing poorly. He said: “Student ××, how did you score so few points? Averaging the whole class, you are seriously holding us back.” I was puzzled, so I raised my hand and asked: “Teacher, our class isn't pigs, so why are we talking about front and back legs?”
One day, gossiping with a group of stock friends, somehow the topic turned to secret savings. While everyone was sighing that no matter what, the other party will find out, an uncle quietly said: I keep it all in the bank. People asked: “What about passbooks or cards?” The uncle smiled honestly: Burn them, and just use your ID to get a new one when needed…
Two people were eating, a bowl of mustard was on the table. One thought it was sweet, scooped a full spoon into his mouth, and immediately tears streamed down his face. But he kept his mouth shut and said nothing. A friend asked what happened. He said: I miss my dad, he hung himself on this day 20 years ago. The friend comforted him, and also scooped a full spoon into his mouth, suddenly bursting into tears. The first person pretended to ask: Why are you crying too? The friend said: Your dad died so tragically.
An old man said: "On the day of the Mount Hua Sword Debate, first he used the Desolate Soul Palm to break my seventy-two Empty Fist techniques; then I switched to the Eighteen Dragon Subduing Palms, but I didn't expect him to stretch out his right index and middle fingers, using both the Shangyang Sword and Zhongchong Sword of Six Veins Divine Sword, and still bested me." The young man listened, dizzy with amazement, and was about to ask further, when an old lady beside him scolded: Even for a game of rock-paper-scissors, you talk this grandly.
