\This article is reprinted from "The Laugh-and-Forget Book of You and Me"\.\(4) So those grievances had been bottled up in my heart for so long, for so long.
In my third year of junior high, I rarely went to the arcade with Su Nianle anymore. Aside from occasionally going online to chat with Song Lanhai, I spent most of my time reading, writing letters, and sometimes I would even drag Su Nianle to tutor me. He looked at me as if I were an alien. I told him that I, Ruan Tianlan, was an aspiring young girl. I must get into a good high school and then a good university in Qingdao. That way, I would be a little closer to Song Lanhai.
Su Nianle looked at me, from the initial heartache to now numbness, and expressionlessly uttered two words: childish. But he still helped me with my tutoring because when he tutored Du Mingwei, I shamelessly insisted on listening in. Du Mingwei was the little beauty that Su Nianle used to drag me to follow after school. I said, "Su Nianle, you're really capable. When did you secretly switch your allegiance to her without me noticing?"
Su Nianle glanced at me, "Same to you."
However, the high school entrance exam left me no time to tease him. When the results came out, I shocked everyone by ranking in the top ten of the entire grade and getting into No. 1 High School. Although Su Nianle was still the unchanging top of the class. I really suspected his brain was like a computer. But following this came Du Mingwei.
After entering high school, Du Mingwei became even more beautiful. Boys were lucky to stand beside her, and girls needed immense courage to do the same. A whole bunch of boys chased after her, but Du Mingwei was incredibly loyal, walking home only with me and Su Nianle after school.
I don't know when, but Su Nianle had grown rapidly, and having always been handsome and clean-cut, now wearing a simple white shirt, he looked like a prince wherever he stood. Compared to them, I felt like a scruffy little groundhog.
So in the days that followed, I rarely went home with them, always finding excuses. It was clear that Du Mingwei was quite happy about this. I knew she had long been frustrated with me acting like a bridge keeping her and Su Nianle apart. Because of her good upbringing, even when she was annoyed, she never spoke up, but the look in her eyes always carried a hint of grievance. After all, she was a beautiful girl, even more beautiful than me, and even with that look of grievance, her sorrowful gaze made you feel pity.I don't know whether Su Nianle felt any concern, but every time he would casually tell me, 'Don't come home too late,' and then turn around and leave with Du Mingwei. Actually, I have to admit that whenever I saw the two of them together, I felt a strange sense of loss.
I complained to Song Lanhai on QQ. I said, for the sake of continuing to go to the arcade with this guy, I had studied day and night during the high school entrance exams, but now he's abandoned friendship for a girl, completely unfaithful.
After complaining, I suddenly felt alarmed. Oh no, oh no, I've complained too much to Song Lanhai; he must think I'm like a little grumbler. On the other end of the screen, Song Lanhai seemed to understand my thoughts perfectly and comforted me, saying, 'The more I hear you chattering about the things around you, the cuter I find you.'
Then another message popped up in the chat window: 'Tianlan, I really want to see you.'
At that moment, my heartbeat couldn't be contained. I made a decision that scared myself—I decided to go see Song Lanhai.
When I told Su Nianle this, he yelled at me like a little lion, sputtering all at once, 'Ruan Tianlan, are you crazy? Online dating is one thing, but running off to see him? He's a college student, and you're just a high schooler—what are you thinking?'
I didn't expect Su Nianle to react so strongly, and I wasn't going to back down. I retorted, 'Mind your own business. How I want to do things is my business; just don't open your mouth in front of my mom.'
'Impossible. I will definitely tell Auntie.' Su Nianle glared at me angrily, then grabbed Du Mingwei and turned to leave.
I stood there in a huff, suddenly feeling very wronged. Su Nianle was really annoying—he had someone with him and never cared about my feelings. He and Du Mingwei were like immortals living in their own world, while I was always alone. I wanted to see the person I liked, yet was scolded instead. The more I thought about it, the more wronged I felt. I simply stood there and cried out loud. || (5) Growing Up is a Pain of Innocent Hearts
Xu Jinnian said, 'Ruan Tianlan, I've never seen a girl cry so fiercely in the middle of the street.'
Since we were in the same class, I knew Xu Jinnian. He was a grade-retained student, lazy and uneducated, spending every day drinking, fighting, smoking, and chasing girls. But he had a handsome appearance, so there were no shortage of girls who fawned over him.That day, as he walked past me with a group of little brothers, he said this. I turned my head, eyes blurred with tears, and looked at him, opening my mouth to cry even louder.
He looked at me helplessly and said, 'Alright, running into you today is just bad luck. Stop crying, you're embarrassing your classmates. Come on, I'll take you out to eat.'
I immediately stopped crying, turned to him with a pleading smile and said, 'Really? Then let's go to that Misha Western restaurant off-campus.'
Xu Jinnian raised his eyebrows at me and said, 'Sure enough, women change their expressions faster than turning a page.'
But he didn't care at all and shrugged, saying, 'Let's go.' It was only later that I realized that although that restaurant seemed expensive to us students, to Xu Jinnian, a child born with a silver spoon, it was nothing.
It was also after that meal together that I started getting close to Xu Jinnian. He wasn't as terrifying as the rumors said; he was quite easy to get along with, and his manners and behavior were very proper. No wonder those girls were infatuated with him.
Ever since the argument with Su Nianle, I stopped paying attention to him. He and Du Mingwei continued to walk hand in hand to and from school without me tagging along. Their appearance as a perfect pair looked even more harmonious. Although I felt frustrated and scoffed at this silently, at least I kept it in my heart.
But even though I kept it to myself, I still couldn't find peace.
After school, I lingered until everyone else had left before sulkingly slinging my backpack over my shoulder and heading out. As soon as I exited the school gate, I saw Du Mingwei standing there arrogantly, with no Su Nianle by her side. I opened my mouth, just about to ask where Su Nianle had gone, but thinking of earlier events, I closed it again. I nodded at her and was about to walk over when she grabbed my collar. She sneered, 'Ruan Tianlan, you really have guts. Online friends, thugs, desperate much?'
Seeing a different side of Du Mingwei than usual, I understood her troublemaking and said lightly, 'My business has nothing to do with you. Let go.'
She didn't let go, and instead looked at me provocatively. Angry thoughts surged through me at the idea that they were happy while trying to provoke me. I forcefully pulled back my collar and shoved Du Mingwei, and she softened and fell to the ground like a ragdoll.At that moment, I suddenly heard a familiar voice calling "Mingwei" from behind. I turned around and saw Su Nianle glaring at me angrily. He said, "Ruan Tianlan, is this really necessary? Mingwei cares about you so much, and you treat her like this? How have you become so despicable following these punks?"
I stood frozen, listening to Su Nianle's accusations, feeling a pain like a thousand arrows piercing my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes all at once, and I tilted my head back, holding back my tears. At that moment, a warm embrace wrapped around me from behind, turning me around so my face rested against his chest. I whispered softly, letting the tears fall.
In that instant, leaning against this stranger's chest, I felt so at ease. As he spoke, the tears fell.
Xu Jinnian simply held me, neither humble nor overbearing, speaking with a promise that was also like a show of reassurance, "I will treat Tianlan well." Then he held me and turned to leave. I kept my head down, not looking back at Su Nianle. I didn't know if he was watching me with disappointment.
Growing up truly is a pain of innocence. It can make two people who were once close go their separate ways, north and south.
(6) I took a plane to the seaside to find him, no longer crying, lolita
It was after the second-year high school finals. I told Xu Jinnian that I had to see Song Lanhai.
Xu Jinnian looked at me, his gaze calm yet resolute. He said, "Okay, Tianlan, I'll take care of everything for you."
It was Xu Jinnian who booked my ticket. He arranged for a girl to subtly persuade my mom, only saying we were going on a trip together, and he was the one who saw me off at the airport.
Everything seemed to go smoothly, but when the plane was flying thirty thousand feet in the air, I suddenly felt like crying. I realized, embarrassingly, how much I missed Su Nianle, missed him who had always been by my side all these years. I missed his smile and his anger, his gentleness and consideration, the warmth and the hurt he had given me.
Qingdao is a very beautiful city. As soon as I stepped out of the airport, I saw a boy in a blue shirt holding a sign with "Tianlan" written on it. He looked just as I had imagined: bright, fair-skinned, with an alert expression.
Yet in that moment, the excitement I had felt about seeing him before suddenly calmed down. It was like meeting an ordinary friend. I also suddenly realized that all along, my feelings for Song Lanhai were a kind of projection, venting my unpleasant experiences onto him in reality and placing beautiful expectations on him.But when I finally saw everything clearly, I wasn't unhappy; at least, I finally understood my own heart.
I ran up to him and smiled. He held my hand and said, "Tianlan, you are as cute as I imagined." Then he reached out and ruffled my hair.
He held my hand as we went to eat. While drinking sweet porridge, he said, "I've booked a hotel. After you finish eating, you can go rest, and tomorrow I'll take you to see the sea."
I looked into his passionate eyes, bit my lip, and hesitated to say, "Brother Lan Hai, I… I want to go home. I still have some matters to settle."
Song Lanhai looked at me puzzled. "Why don't we go tomorrow and then head back?"
I answered softly, but stubbornly, "No. After we finish eating, you'll come with me to book the ticket. I'm sorry, Brother Lanhai. I'll come to see you when I have time later."
Song Lanhai looked at me helplessly, sighed, and said, "Alright." Then he looked at me mischievously and said, "Is it because of that boy called Su Nianle?"
My face flushed bright red. Song Lanhai patted my shoulder jokingly and said, "Finally, I was looking forward to you coming, but who knew you ran all the way to Qingdao and your eyes are still only on him. Haha."
That night, I booked a ticket to go back. At the airport, Song Lanhai hugged me and said, "Perhaps we'll never meet again, but I will remember you, Tianlan."
Late at night, I returned to the small town, excitedly calling Su Nianle, but his phone was continuously out of service. I stubbornly called again and again, only to be disappointed every time. The next day, it was the same.
Until that night, he stood in front of me with Du Mingwei. He shouted at me, "Ruan Tianlan, are you crazy? You ran to Qingdao alone. Did your head get squeezed by the door? What if something had happened?"
Seeing his anxious face, I sneered, "When I ran there, why weren't you concerned? Only after a couple of days do you come and pretentiously show off? Spare me."
After speaking, I saw Su Nianle's face turn red then pale repeatedly. He seemed to be suppressing enormous anger. Later, he gave me a cold glance, grabbed Du Mingwei's hand, and walked away.
I squatted down, tears falling through my fingers. Su Nianle, I've already lost count of how many times you walked away with Du Mingwei in front of me, your backs perfectly matched. How powerless and sorrowful I felt.I feel that over all these years, I have been like a firefly that cannot speak, unable to talk, unable to get your attention, so I tirelessly burn myself, trying to make myself transparent and glowing, and then use that tiny bit of faint light to attract your attention. But dear Su Nianle, why do you always fail to see it? || (7) Even if it's self-deception, it is still the future.
When Xu Jinnian found out I had returned, he led a few people to take me out to eat, saying it was to celebrate me. I said, what exactly are you celebrating?
He said, I thought you went to see your boyfriend and it worked out. I said, come on, that's my brother, you know, my brother! Your sister here is still single.
Xu Jinnian held my hand and said, oh, that's perfect, would you consider being my girlfriend?
I said, come on, what an international joke.
He suddenly looked at me seriously and said, I mean it, at least, I will protect you from being hurt.
I looked at him, bit my lip, and said, let me think about it.
The next day, I agreed to Xu Jinnian. Because I no longer wanted to see Su Nianle with someone else as a perfect match while I remained alone.
I wanted to be with Xu Jinnian, so that at least I could show others the appearance of a perfect couple. Even if it's self-deception, it is still the future.
Senior year was busy but fulfilling, at least it no longer allowed me to dwell on trivial matters. Xu Jinnian treated me very well too, and his parents planned for him to go abroad. He said
