I. I am the illegitimate daughter of her man and lover. When I was eight years old, my mother left me at her doorstep. This woman who gave birth to me said, 'If you follow me, there's only a path to death. Your father is dead, and I can't even support myself.' That day, the wind was strong, and the rain was heavy. When my mother in her purple dress disappeared around the corner, I couldn't even shed a tear. I ran after her in the rain, shouting, running across several streets, and when I was exhausted, I stood in the middle of the road, hoping a car would hit me, to take me away from this world... By evening, I was still sitting at the doorstep of this woman called Li Chunhua. When she came home, she saw a shivering child and a suitcase containing a few clothes. She gripped my arm tightly, her face darkened for a long while, and silently brought me inside. After changing me into clean clothes, she asked, 'Does your mother still want you?' These words unleashed all the hidden tears inside me. I nodded, then shook my head, bit my lip, and tears streamed down my face. She seemed at a loss, and after a while, held me in her arms without speaking for a long time. When I looked up, I saw the moisture at the corners of her eyes. She was using a hairdryer to dry my hair. Her fingers were soft, and her embrace carried a faint scent of mint. She said, 'Look at your hair, it's just like his, straight and stiff.' Suddenly, she dropped the hairdryer and cried, 'Wuwu.' She said, 'Xiao Nuan, from now on, as long as Auntie has something to eat, you will have your share.' I felt the world was very strange. Her man, one night, was hit by a car and killed while crossing the street to buy some candied chestnuts for his lover, and I, the illegitimate child of her man and lover, actually came to her, and she accepted me.
II. How could I desecrate her kindness? Only then did I realize that such love really exists in the world. I believe no one could ever love my father more than she did. She would often stroke my hair, and during meals, she would absentmindedly gaze at my features. She would say, 'Why do you look so much like him?' She transferred my school for me, and when she took me to register, she said, 'If you're unhappy about anything, just tell Auntie.' An eight-year-old heart was already extremely anxious at her words, but within half a day, I ran back to find her. She was at work, machines roaring 'rumble rumble,' and she rushed out anxiously, asking me what was wrong.I was too busy crying to know what to say... Yes, I didn't know how to open my mouth to tell her that the kids in the class all despised me, and my deskmate, that little girl with the flowered bow in her hair, curled her lips and called me shameless. She said, 'You, an illegitimate child, have the audacity to come to someone else to be raised.' I bit my lip, unable to retort a single word; everything she said was true.
She asked for a long time, and seeing that I had no response other than crying, she couldn't help but get a bit angry, took a bicycle, and went to school to find my homeroom teacher. When she returned in the evening, she said, 'The property prices here have risen well. I want to sell it or rent it out...' I clutched the food in my bowl without responding, as the words of that child during the day replayed in my mind over and over, stabbing my heart.
At night, I packed my things, and her bedroom door was half open. I saw her tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep. When I tiptoed out the door, I heard her get up cautiously.
Sitting on a bench in the neighborhood, the night was so dark, the world so vast, and I no longer knew where to go.
I heard her call my name repeatedly, and watched her anxiously run out from the neighborhood. I hid myself in the darkness, opening my mouth but unable to utter a word. In just one week, I had already come to know her kindness. She bought me a beautiful bed, many clothes, and hair clips; every day she would withdraw money from her passbook and 'spend it for me with a clatter'; she was also incredibly attentive. In just seven days, she had learned all my eating preferences; she stopped putting ginger in the food, remembered to peel the tomatoes...
Her kindness made me uneasy. I thought she must hate me, because my presence clearly betrayed the man in her expressions. How could I stay by her side and defile her kindness?
Around dawn, she waited for me at my mother's neighborhood entrance. She said, 'Your mother said you never came back. I knew you would come.'
She wore only a coat, with thin pajamas underneath. This woman sat on the cold stone slabs for five hours, while my mother never came out to check after she left.
