A sister was taking the train home; it was really crowded, and she was also hungry. Seeing the crowded aisle, she suddenly had an idea. She held the edge of her instant noodle container and walked while shouting, 'Be careful, don't get scalded by the hot water!' and thus passed through without any obstruction. A few minutes later, the sister carried the noodles back the same way, shouting, 'This time there really is hot water! There really is hot water!'
High school Chinese exam, there was a fill-in-the-blank question: The mountain said to the sea, 'You are so vast, so surging, so magnificent...' Then the blank below asked what the sea said to the mountain: ( ). Everyone tried their best to imagine, but when the papers were returned, one student had filled in the blank with: 'Thank you.'
One day, Zhu Bajie finally shouted angrily: 'Damn, I've been tricked! Traveling for scriptures, traveling for scriptures, it turns out to be so hard. Back then, the Bodhisattva asked me to fetch essence, and I thought I was going to be a breeding pig!'
I often travel for work. Once, while passing a small station by train, I saw that they were selling century eggs, so I spent five yuan to buy two and also bought a small bottle of Erguotou, planning to have a little snack on the way. By eleven-thirty, I happily took out the century egg. First, I peeled it, and then realized—it was a potato!
When my girlfriend and I were hiding in a movie theater and kissed for the first time, I almost vomited because I wasn't used to the taste in her mouth.
I said to her, 'Let's not kiss anymore, okay?' She said, 'Okay!' She said to me, 'I can't stand your garlic breath; it makes me gag.'
A child played so wildly during summer vacation that he didn't do his homework. When school started, he said to the teacher, 'Teacher, the homework has been with me all summer and we're familiar now—can I not turn it in?'
Last night, I went shopping with a male friend and ran into a female colleague. This morning in the office, she kept calling me gay. To prove my innocence, I pulled her close and gave her a heavy kiss…
During freshman military training, I invited my girlfriend, we wore camouflage uniforms, bought a big watermelon, and sat in a shady spot. I held my girlfriend, she held the watermelon, and she spooned it for me bite by bite, making the freshmen envy and resent us. When the instructor came, I showed my student ID—I was a sophomore…
Last week at the office, a courier suddenly came in to deliver flowers. The recipient turned out to be one of our male colleagues! We all mischievously wondered if he was radiating passion or being pursued by another woman. He just kept looking at the flowers for quite a while..The last one shook his head and said, 'Damn, the recipient and sender were filled in the wrong way!'\Bridge collapse incident divine comments: 1. The bridge collapse season has arrived. Fat people should travel cautiously. If a bridge collapses due to your overweight, the relevant authorities will pursue your criminal responsibility according to the law. 2. Now regarding this bridge, you can break off a piece, add some chili, some minced meat, stir-fry on low heat for 10 minutes, and it will be a plate of excellent Mapo Tofu. 3. I don't know who built the bridge, only who caused it to collapse.\Once I was having a meal with a childhood friend in a restaurant. At the neighboring table, a man and a woman kept whispering, looking to be in their thirties. While eating, the woman suddenly got unhappy and raised her voice, saying, 'I have always hoped you could tolerate my husband the way I tolerate your wife'... Suddenly, I felt there was a lot of information...\One morning the boss called me asking why I hadn't arrived at the company yet.\I opened the window on purpose to let the noisy sound come into the phone and said: 'Almost there! Talking on the phone while driving could cause an accident.' The boss said: 'Silly girl, I called your landline!'\Wife: 'Husband, what should I do if someone on the street flirts with me: Beautiful?' Husband: 'Why ask that? Quickly help the blind man cross the street.'\Unfortunate Taiwan-invested company: the Taiwanese have a small canteen in front of our canteen. Every day we eat cabbage and radish while they have big fish and meat, coffee, juice—making us envious and jealous. So we repeatedly reported to our superiors to improve the food. The leadership took it seriously, and a few days later... their small canteen got curtains!\MM went to see a doctor: 'I keep farting, it's not stinky or loud. Actually, since I came in, I have farted at least 20 times, you didn't notice…?' The doctor prescribed some medicine: 'Take this medicine home and come back next week…' When MM returned: 'What on earth did you give me? My farts still won't stop, but now they stink terribly!' The doctor said: 'Great! Your nasal congestion is cured, now we need to treat your farts.'\During summer vacation, a 5-year-old wanted to write a letter to a little girl at his kindergarten, so he asked his dad for a pen and paper.\'Good boy, you don't know how to read yet, how can you write a letter to someone?' his dad asked curiously. 'What does it matter, she doesn't know how to read either!' the kid said confidently.\One day I went to a telecom business hall to recharge my phone.Seeing two phones on the counter, I thought they were for sale, so I rushed over and skillfully swiped to unlock, playing for a long time. A guy next to me said, 'Finished playing? I just put these here to charge...'\Someone once said, no matter what trouble you get into, don't get discouraged. An American worker accidentally knocked a weather satellite worth $230 million off the shelf; repairs cost over $100 million. Could you cause a bigger mess than that? The answer is yes… someone recently caused an $1.8 billion bridge to collapse...\iPhones are like sports cars — stylish and fast, though a bit fuel-hungry; Androids are like modified cars — can satisfy all your DIY needs, but if something goes wrong, it dies; Windows Phones are like new energy cars — living in a legend, used by few; Nokia is like an old truck — every driver boasts: my vehicle is tough; Knock-off phones are like tricycles — only the person using it really treats it as a car.\Outside the balcony, there's a long wire mesh trellis with five or six cacti. I won't tell you that my roommate laid a quilt on top of the cacti to sun it.\As a result, he threw away the quilt and even asked my husband to pluck the thorns off him.\Playing mahjong with my girlfriend at a friend's house. She said she was thirsty and asked me to buy a Nutritional Express drink. I went to the store and found they had none, so I bought a box of Telunsu milk instead. When I gave it to her, she looked at the milk, then at me, and directly threw it in the trash. I asked why; she said: 'Don't you know I'm playing cards? Why would you buy me "Special Lose"!' Me: ...\Today a friend invited me over, and at his house, I suddenly saw his wife nursing a baby, so I went over to compliment the child and make my friend happy… I originally wanted to say, 'What a fair-skinned child!' but my brain short-circuited, and out came: 'What white boobs!' I then ran to the door and have been standing outside ever since!!! What should I do…\'Why is this porridge so watery? It has no taste and costs 2 yuan a bowl, too much of a rip-off.'\'Don't you know value comes from rarity? 2 yuan for a big bowl, that's actually cheap for you.'\It's that time again when new colleagues report for work. A junior from my alma mater is coming to our company, so I invited her to a meal. During dinner, she kept staring at me for a while and finally said: 'Senior, I know you.' I was surprised and secretly proud, asking: 'How do you know me?'The junior hesitated for a moment and said fiercely: At the flea market at graduation last year, the 4-6 headphones you sold me were broken. You liar!! Me: ..... A robber sneaked into the jewelry store, pointed a gun at the owner, and said, "Give me a ring, hurry up!" The owner was terrified and hurriedly handed over a diamond ring. The robber examined it for a moment and shouted, "Get something cheaper, I have to make my fiancée believe I bought it!" "A few days ago, I had a fever, but my husband was still aroused and full of energy, teasing me in every way to try to have a round. I was burned and dazed, so I gave in to him...... The next day, when I asked him how he felt, he looked at his little brother with a sad expression and said, 'It burned me...... I just took my girlfriend out on a bike, passed by a deserted road, couldn't help but shift into fifth gear, turned the throttle to the floor, and hit 125 km/h. The bike shook so much that my butt went numb. After slowing down, I looked back at my girlfriend—she was like a madwoman, her hair standing on end, her face flushed, and she was panting heavily. I asked her if she felt good, and she almost made me throw the bike away: "The shaking made me squirt..." My lustful girlfriend is always having fun, haha.
Didn't find the clothes I liked while shopping...... Did something boring...... Actually, it's not that boring... It was the ugliest item in every row of clothes in the store... The ugliest one...... I took it out and hung it at the very front...............
Today I went to the Industrial and Commercial Bank on Zhengyi Road to withdraw money. There were too many people, so I had to go to the self-service ATM at the entrance. While I was spitting out cash, someone reminded me I had lost my money. I covered the cash slot and glanced at it, saw 50 yuan at my feet, so I quickly stepped on the 50 yuan coin first, then took my money and card away, calmly picked it up, and said thank you, brother. The only one left looking confused! Just as I left, a voice drifted from behind me: You liar......
\ Upon learning that the Southern Barbarians' elephant soldiers were about to arrive, Zhuge Liang was secretly alarmed and wanted to buy an elephant to study. However, the local villagers did not recognize currency. Zhuge Liang called Ma Dai over: "I'll give you fifty shi of rice, and exchange my face portrait." Ma Dai accepted the order and left. The next day, the third day... On the Nth day, Zhuge Liang realized Ma Dai had blackened his rice and ran off. Frustrated, he posted online about his feelings. He saw a message from a stranger's avatar, and when he opened it, he said: "Prime Minister, I've changed my profile picture. Please check it carefully.""Young lady, before we start learning to drive, we need to get a few things straight. Normally, I'll listen to everything you say, but situations on the road change in an instant. Safety comes first. Once you get in the car, you must unconditionally follow my instructions. Whatever I ask you to do, you must do it immediately. Do you understand?" 'Understood.' "Alright, now sit in the back seat and take off your jacket." ...
After my wife came home, she mysteriously said to me: Hehe, I made a profit today. I found a pair of pants in a taxi. I tried them on and they fit perfectly, as if they were bought just for me. I was quite happy, and the next day I told my colleagues about it, only to find that the female colleagues all had strange looks. One of them said softly: I say the same thing to my husband even when I buy more expensive clothes.
By the way, a long time ago, when host He Jiong interviewed Edison Chen, Edison kept laughing... After filming the whole episode, He Jiong said to Edison Chen: "Brother Chen, don't you think it's a bit impolite to be laughing the whole time? It feels like a sign of disrespect to all our staff and the viewers at home." Edison Chen laughed and said: "Very awkward, you kept calling me Eason Chan the whole time..."
Being heartbroken for 33 days isn't scary; what's scary is that after 33 days, your period still hasn't come!!! Instantly defeated!!!
On the street, an elderly lady fell down. A primary school student passed by and quickly helped her up. He asked with concern: "Grandma, did you hurt yourself?" The grandmother smiled: "No, little one, what's your name?" He blinked his bright eyes and proudly said: "My name is Red Scarf!" Before anyone could react, the grandmother suddenly shouted to the nearby crowd: "Catch Red Scarf, he's the one who pushed me down."
Today on the street, I saw an elderly lady fall, so I ran over to help her up. But it looked like she was about to fall again, and I thought she might be trying to scam me for money. I decisively fell to the ground first, convulsed continuously, and foamed at the mouth. The grandmother froze. I convulsed while wriggling about, traveling about two meters across, stood up, brushed off the dust, and left. The grandmother was still standing there in shock.
When the elderly lady staggered toward me, I decisively stepped my left foot over my right and fell first. The grandmother gave me a disdainful look and left... A kind person helped me up and said: "You fell so gracefully."
A certain artsy loser, with sick parents, a family so poor it rattled, a wife who was both fat and ugly.When a loser was utterly despairing, he met a genie. The genie said, 'Write down your wish, and I will grant it.' The loser wrote: 'I wish my parents are healthy, my family is wealthy, and my wife is beautiful.' The loser went home and saw that the house had become magnificent. Opening the door, he found his parents full of energy. Excited, he ran into his own room and saw an air conditioner lying on the bed.
The old ghost said to the little ghost: 'Take it easy these days, don't go out casually, or you'll get caught.' The little ghost asked: 'Why?' The old ghost said: 'They're about to launch a disaster relief donation drive, and all the citizens enthusiastically said: ‘‘Donate? Not gonna happen.'''
Liu Bei walked into the thatched cottage and saw a refined gentleman staring at the computer, his face full of anxiety. Liu Bei stepped forward and said, 'I am Liu Bei.' The gentleman didn't even lift his head and said, 'I am Li Zongrui 27.5G, don't bother me.' …
[Question] When the first American to land on the moon, Armstrong, stepped on the lunar surface, he said, 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.' What would the first Chinese astronaut to land on the moon say?
[Answer] 'Report to the Command Hall, Shenzhou X has successfully landed on the moon. All lunar astronauts of the People's Liberation Army Astronaut Team salute the Party Central Committee, salute the motherland and the people at the X landing site.'
A girl decided to confess to the boy she liked on Qixi Festival but was too scared, so she asked her brother to come with her for courage. Her brother, who adored her, immediately agreed. The next day the girl asked the boy she liked: 'Are you free tomorrow? I want to take you to a meal.' The boy scratched his head and smiled foolishly: 'Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow. It's my girlfriend's little sister's first date, and he asked me to accompany her for courage.'
A man needed to reinstall his laptop's operating system. The technician at the computer store said it would cost 50 yuan. After finishing, he didn't charge anything… The man said, 'Brother, no need to charge; just share your resources.' Two hours later… copying finished, he was about to leave, and the man said: 'Brother, feel free to bring your laptop over for a spin anytime. If it breaks, it will be repaired for free.'"Yesterday I downloaded a Shenzhen transportation card app, which claims you can ride the bus unlimited for free. I wondered how it achieves that, and after downloading, I found that when you tap the app, it makes a 'beep' sound, just like the sound of swiping a bus card...\When standing at attention, don't move casually. If you want to move, you must submit a report. Every time you move, you have to submit a report. Move once, report once; move once, report once; move once, report once; move once, report once. The vast horizon is my love~~\Yesterday afternoon I had a heart-to-heart talk with a subordinate. I asked him to tell me his opinion of me. It's okay, just speak frankly. He thought for a moment and said, 'Boss, I feel you don't respect us enough.' 'Really? **You brat,*** give me an example, show me one, or I'll deal with you.'...\In court, the judge asked the plaintiff: 'Can you recognize the person who stole your car?'\Plaintiff: 'That's difficult. After listening to the defendant's lawyer give a full defense speech, now I'm not even sure if I still have a car.'\A female netizen posted on Weibo: I gave birth to a daughter, everyone help me think of a good name. On the day the baby was born, the hospital caught fire for no reason, then it suddenly rained and put out the fire.\A: 'Dan' is an excellent character; water and fire intersect, yin and yang harmonize; it lies deep within yet remains calm.\B: What if her dad's surname is 'Ji'?\C: What if her dad's surname is 'Gou'?\D: What if her dad's surname is 'Mao'?\...\Female netizen: All of you get lost, my husband's surname is Cao…"
