The company's dormitory is all girls. Female A always steps on the toilet when using it, leaving muddy footprints on the toilet seat. One time I saw Female B wipe the seat with the towel that Female A used to wash her face before sitting down on it.\A few months ago, mom bought a small black chicken and excitedly told dad, 'Wait and see, in a couple of months you'll be able to eat nutritious home-raised black chicken eggs.' We finally waited until the chicken grew up, and today, just this morning, at five a.m., the hopeful egg-laying chicken crowed...\I saw in the newspaper that a child's father, surnamed Yi, named his child 'Yi La Guan' (Can); when registering the household, it was **rejected, saying it was irresponsible to the child...\Around 5 or 6 years old, the mother gave the child 1 yuan to buy cookies. The child happily ran to the shop only to find it closed, quickly stuffed the money into the door crack, and walked away happily. That evening, the shop owner came to our house to give the cookies, saying, 'I thought, in our courtyard, only your child could do this!'\This morning, I went to the library and took two seats. A pretty girl came over and asked, 'Is this seat taken?' I quickly put my books away: 'No one is!' She said, 'Thanks,' then dragged the chair away.\During a meal, my 10-year-old niece suddenly whispered, 'I want to ask you a small question!' 'Go ahead,' I curiously looked at her, thinking what kind of childish question she might ask. 'Do you know what ML means?'… I was taken aback: 'I'm not really sure; maybe it's a brand name.' She proudly held up a drink bottle and said, 'ml means milliliters, silly!'\At kindergarten, when school started, many children were dropped off. After parents left, the children cried and fussed, almost like a slaughterhouse! At this time, only one child squatted quietly in the corner. The teacher was ready to praise him, but as soon as she got close, the child snatched the teacher's phone faster than lightning, didn't dial a number, and started crying into the phone, 'Dad, come save me! Mom sold me...'\In the evening, cooling off at school, I ran into a mother and son. The mother asked her son to call his dad to ask when he would be back. The son made the call, and the dad told him to tell his mother to ask him herself. Mom said: 'You say it for me.'The little boy's face instantly turned angry and serious as he yelled into the phone: "It's already nine o'clock and you're still not back! Are you planning to die out there, you bastard? If you don't hurry back, don't even think about getting into my bed tonight," and then *slam*, he hung up. Mom looked very proud...
\He's been sharp-tongued since childhood, which got him into a lot of trouble. During high school military training, since it was late, the instructor decided to tell us a story: 'When I was a soldier, I was alone on a mountain with nothing. Even the food was airlifted in, and I only had a big wolf dog as a companion. Do you guys know what happens when you spend two years with a single dog?' I blurted out, 'The dog got pregnant?' So I was sent to run 20 laps on the playground.
\A friend was playing 'You Are My Eyes'. When the line 'You are my eyes…' came up, I asked, 'Left eye or right eye?' The guy, without thinking, answered, 'P-eye.'
\We're in the U.S., and we haven't eaten Peking duck for a long time... Yesterday we went to a buffet, and surprisingly, they had Peking duck recently! And it was freshly out of the oven, no one else had cut it yet! I decisively picked up a knife next to the duck and cut off a leg, bringing it back to enjoy. After finishing a plate of food and going back for more, the duck was still untouched, great, foreigners don't understand fine cuisine~ I decisively cut off another leg and chewed heartily at the table, leaving the broken duck standing on the rack. While I was eating happily, a waiter ran over: 'Sir, that duck is just for display… and now the legs are gone…' Me: '…'
\I have a Bichon dog; every day at 4:30 he goes to the road across our street and barks at the tea-selling neighbors' door. Because their female dog is pregnant with my dog's puppies… This has been going on for two weeks. Every day at 4:30, that family has to get up to let him in… so devoted.
\Once when traveling, I came to the foot of a mountain and saw someone selling honey from bees they kept by the roadside. I asked the owner if the honey was good, pure, and if any white sugar was added (honey with added sugar is not good, not pure). The owner replied: 'Absolutely pure, no sugar added, freshly extracted.' I asked if it could be a bit cheaper since I wanted to buy more. The owner replied: 'This is already the lowest price.' Then comes the climax—you know sugar prices have gone up too, I won't make much money.' I was instantly stunned…\Today I went to the department store to stroll around, taking the elevator from the first floor to the second-floor supermarket (everyone knows about the supermarket elevator)…\ Next to me, a mom with two kids came down from the supermarket after shopping. From the looks of it, the little girl sitting in the shopping cart is about two years old, and in front of the cart is a little boy about 4–5 years old. I saw him desperately using his little body to push against the cart, his little face turning red! He looked fiercely at his mom and shouted wildly: 'Mom, are you really going to abandon my sister? I can't hold on! Save my sister!'…………Oh kid, the cart is stuck and won't slide on the elevator, you really love your sister deeply!!! But his mom was overjoyed by it!\ My cute little nephew from my sister's family~~~~~~~~~\ He just came to my place and was being all mischievous. He went to my room and asked, 'Do you sleep here by yourself?' I said, 'Yes.' He said: 'Aren't you grown up?' I said: 'Yes.' He said: 'Then why do you still sleep alone?' I said: 'Then who should I sleep with?' He said: 'You should sleep with a boy!'\ Thinking back to my childhood, around four years old, it was winter, and my family had to store large cabbages. Watching my parents carry them, I wanted to help too. I could only move one at a time! After moving one, I would just lie down and sleep, from dusk until the next morning, scaring my parents so much that they would check my nose every so often, afraid I would work myself to death!\ Let me tell you about something from my student days. I remember a time when a chemistry experiment required hydrochloric acid, and the teacher repeatedly warned us to be careful because it was highly corrosive. At that time, being mischievous, I poured out some hydrochloric acid from a beaker, then filled a small cup of tap water, about the same amount as the acid the teacher had distributed, then walked to the teacher and said lightly: 'Teacher, I'm sorry for everyone...' Then I drank all the water in the beaker in one go. The teacher immediately went limp on the floor… I became famous, a tear slid down my eye…\ Last night, I was alone and bored, so I used my roommate's laptop to watch a Japanese adult film. After a while, the laptop ran out of battery and shut down, so I went to sleep. Everyone knows laptops save the progress when they shut down. This morning my roommate took the laptop to work, and just after I got up, he called me: 'I will kill you! Did you watch an adult film on my computer yesterday?' I said, 'Ah!' 'Today, when I turned on the computer, it started making moaning sounds. I kept the volume so loud that the whole office was watching me. The more anxious I got, the more I kept entering the wrong password, it lasted for a full minute!'Damn it, how do you expect me to survive at the company!” Honestly, I'm really sorry, okay, I'll treat everyone to meals this month!\Talking about middle school days! During lunch break, me and a few delinquent classmates sneaked out of school to smoke! After finishing, we went back and passed by the school dormitory, and saw a girl squatting on the iron railing of the ladies' dorm on the 5th floor hanging clothes!! One of my friends whistled and then loudly shouted, “Beauty! **!” That girl turned around, and we all freaked out. That guy quickly lowered his head, his face instantly turned red... Could it be that the girl was actually his own sister??!\After washing my hair, I wrapped a towel around my head leaving only my eyes visible, and walked elegantly to my mom: “I am a woman from the desert~” My mom frowned: “What? A donkey from the big mill?” I...\I'm a student… This year I just transferred back to my hometown for school, and the school said there's a summer camp for the break… Excitedly, I signed up, thinking it was going to be some outdoor camping… But on the day I arrived, I found out it was emergency summer classes!! Damn! The school is such a trick! I brought two big bags of snacks, everyone in the class stared at me in surprise!\When my husband and I were dating in college, one night we were walking, and a typhoon happened, so the wind was wild across the school! He held me in his arms, muttering: I better hold you tight! I was so moved that I teared up! I asked affectionately: Am I really that important? He answered: Yes! With your weight, you definitely won't blow away; holding you safe is enough!… What followed naturally was a good beating!\A friend of my colleague experienced this personally: One day, his phone, which he had bought just two or three weeks ago, was snatched while he was playing with it on the street! In the same week, the rented apartment he was living in was broken into, and all valuables were stolen. The thief left a single dollar in his wallet, and when he went to report it, there was another woman who was also filing a report. That woman was almost raped, had nothing on her, and **none of the guys were willing to take her home, nobody even gave her ten yuan to take a taxi home, not even lend her a phone to make a call. After hearing her experience, my colleague's friend and that woman… hugged each other and cried at the ** station!!\After work, I saw the half loaf of bread I ate last night… I casually threw it into the dog's food bowl. The dog sniffed it, showed no interest, and walked away… Later at night, suddenly feeling hungry, I turned the house upside down but couldn't find anything to eat. My eyes glanced at the dog's food bowl… I quietly walked over, tore off the edge of the bread, and quietly ate it all… Pretending nothing happened…\In Yichun, just one stop to go, a mother and daughter got on, carrying a huge pile of vegetables and a KFC family bucket… After a brief chat, I discovered two astonishing things… First, the two of them only bought one ticket, the daughter (estimated over 150 cm) sneaked on; second, the two of them took the train to a neighboring city to buy vegetables, the vegetables they bought… amazing people\Today I helped an older man withdraw money at the ATM… When entering his password, I turned my face away. Unexpectedly, the man glanced at me and said, 'You should block your ears…' I was stunned… The man continued, 'People like you can tell what password I'm typing just by hearing…' Sir, I'm not a magician, I don't have that much skill…\My son farts all day, my wife got used to the smell, but one day she detected a different smell and immediately took our son to the hospital. Sure enough, the check-up revealed that our son was really ill…\This morning my boss called me, and as soon as he opened his mouth, he yelled: '***, where are you! You were supposed to start work at 8. Look, it's already 8:30!' 'Don't worry, I'm sitting in my own office.' 'Stop pretending!' Another thunderous roar, 'I'm standing inside your office!' So I said: 'Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you I have a new job.'……\An old man went to see a doctor and told the doctor he had stomach problems. The doctor asked, 'Is your bowel movement regular?' 'Very regular, every morning at 8 o'clock.' 'Then what is your problem?' 'The problem is, I don't get up until 9 o'clock every morning.' Doctor: …\Today it got colder. Just before leaving, my mom told me to wear warmer clothes. I said I wouldn't. Then my mom quietly muttered: 'Freeze to death, you idiot.' I…\Girls from the performance department aren't worth marrying: you won't know whether it's real life or acting. Photography department: They'll glare a spotlight on you while you sleep and take the most unconventional photos. Fine Arts department: They'll make you pose nude every day. Economics department: She'll squeeze every penny out of you. Chemistry department: Be careful; in an argument, she might throw sulfuric acid and disfigure you.Political Science and Law Department: She won't listen to anyone talking about dividing property in a divorce. Physics Department: Heard that connecting wires to a toilet to kill someone is something they do.\A friend studied marketing. During their graduation defense, they randomly found a paper about marketing refrigerators online and changed it to air conditioners. At the defense, the teacher asked: 'Can you tell me which brand of air conditioner still comes with two doors or three doors?'\A doctor was about to perform surgery on a man. The man looked at the doctor with distrust. Suddenly, he rolled under the bed in terror and cried out: 'Quick, change the doctor! Quick, change the doctor… I got his diploma!''\When unplugging a USB drive, every time after clicking to eject the device and being told it can't be safely removed, they decisively pull it out, muttering: 'MLGB, following the procedure is just giving you face, can't you recognize that…'\A female friend changed her personal signature: 'I lost the most precious thing!' Out of curiosity, I replied: 'Does it hurt?' And so… now I quietly lie in her blacklist…\A woman abroad, due to the language barrier, was asked by the waiter at breakfast what she needed. She unbuttoned her top, exposing her breasts, and the waiter shouted: 'Two hamburgers, two glasses of milk, and two strawberries to go!'\My sister runs a lingerie shop. She has a small skill: she can tell the size just by touching the breasts. Today a young couple came in; the girl didn't know her size, so she tested. She recommended a few styles, all fit perfectly. The girl praised my sister's skill. Before leaving, seeing the men's underwear in the store, she told her boyfriend to buy some. He said he didn't know the size and refused. The girl boldly said: 'Let the lady touch and you'll know.' Damn, my sister is single—girl, how generous must you be!\Commander: 'How's the intelligence work going?' Platoon Leader: 'In the process of extracting.' Commander: 'Why are there a bunch of women's voices around?' Platoon Leader: 'The environment here is very dangerous!' Commander: 'No matter how dangerous, you must succeed in extracting!' Platoon Leader: 'Yes!' Soldier: 'Platoon Leader, are we deceiving the commander by extracting intelligence at the brothel?' Platoon Leader: 'Am I deceiving? Aren't we in a "chest" danger? We're here to "extract," aren't we?'\A female editor saw the title 'Wet Dream Falling on the Grassland' and was puzzled: 'Wet dreams can only fall onto a bed or pants, never heard of it falling on a grassland.' After reading, she realized it was 'A Dream Left Behind on the Grassland.' Annoyed, she then wrote an article titled 'Menstruation Hanging in the Sky.'On the bus, a fashionable young woman got into an argument with an elderly lady who accidentally bumped her when getting on. The young woman said, "You must apologize to me." The elderly lady said, "Sorry! I didn't do it on purpose." The young woman said, "You're not sincere enough, kneel and kowtow to me and then we can let this go!" Of course, the elderly lady refused. Someone nearby said, "Just kowtow, think of it as if you went to the wrong grave!"
