At midnight, Cao Cao assembled thirty thousand troops, preparing to launch a surprise attack on Yuan Shao under cover of night. The army quickly assembled, and Cao Cao, satisfied, approached the front of the ranks and shouted: "Attention! Look right! Look forward! Count! "One, two, three, four,...... Five thousand four hundred sixty-two...... Twenty-three thousand seven hundred fifty-one....... Then, everyone fell asleep....... "Miss, would you like to choose a light membrane, a matte membrane, a fruit-flavored membrane, or something else?" "Oh my, doctor, there are so many ways to repair hymen now?"
I live on the 5th floor, and the door to the downstairs unit wouldn't open. I asked my daughter to come down and open it. She didn't want to leave and planned to throw the key through the window. I said, "Tie something to the key, or if you drop it, you won't find it." She said okay, "Soon, a dark lump of something will fall and startle me." She stood by the window and shouted, "If you can't find it, call me!" I went over to check...... Nokia!
A friend's husband is a lawyer. He specializes in divorce cases. She said, "Honey, don't go to divorce lawsuits anymore. Tearing up other people's families is a bit immoral." "Husband: "Breaking up one couple to fulfill two, accumulating virtue and doing good." "
Whenever war begins, no matter who shouts, no matter how much you shout, it won't help. You need to pay attention to the children of high-ranking officials. When those abroad start to withdraw, those in the military start moving outward, that's when real fighting is coming."
A Weibo post posted this kind of trash to me: "Dear, Tencent user reminder! You have a private message from a Weibo event! Notification that you personally won second prize. Please log in to →#*&%&¥......—I immediately reported it. The reason I wrote was: SB didn't even give me first prize for scam ads, I'm really hurt!
A handsome guy and a beautiful woman especially love to bet! The handsome guy said to the beauty, "I bet I can touch your butt without touching your clothes!" The woman said, "How is that possible?" "If you have the guts, come and try!" So the handsome guy put his hand on the beauty's butt, and after a while, said with great enjoyment, "I lost." "
The production team slaughters geese for the New Year, the team leader writes a notice, writing the goose character rather loosely, becoming: "In the afternoon, men kill my bird, women pluck my feathers, and at night, men, young and old, come eat my bird meat!" "You can also eat my bird eggs!" "One time, I went downstairs and ran into my former girl (her family lives in this building). I noticed she was becoming even more beautiful. When I went downstairs, she went upstairs, and as I got closer, she smiled at me and said, "Are you off work?" ”。I happily replied, 'Yeah, I'm off work.' But when we passed each other, I noticed she was on her phone, ignoring me, and continued saying to the phone, 'Then you go pick up the kids.'\A very annoying friend picked up my wife's cup and took a sip of beer, laughingly said to me, 'Haha, this is indirectly getting a kiss from your wife!' 'Right,' I said as I looked at him, 'but at the same time, it's also indirectly two steps towards my JB.'\Speaking of which, my boyfriend's second cousin when she was about three or four years old, saw my boyfriend's mom's pregnant belly. Then she asked his mom, 'Auntie, what's inside your belly?' His mom jokingly said, 'It's a little monster.' Right after, the little girl threw a punch at my boyfriend's mom's belly with lightning speed. Then she asked, 'Auntie, is it dead?' Sis, luckily that punch didn't kill my man back then.......\A very fat young lady asked the zoo's horse farm caretaker, 'When did you buy a camel?' The caretaker politely replied, 'Miss, we don't have any camels here. What you see is actually a horse; after the last time you rode it, it turned into this shape~~~'\Chatting with a fangirl junior female student living in the company's collective dorm, she said that once when she returned from a business trip, she found that a new bottle of laundry detergent she had just opened before leaving was almost empty. Then when she went to wash her face, she saw that her facial cleanser was gone too. Frustrated, she wandered into the kitchen and found the basin she used to wash her buttocks lying on the kitchen table, with leftover vegetable scraps inside. Instantly, all her frustrations vanished!\A man just started a business and rented a luxurious office. One day, he saw someone outside preparing to come in! So he pretended to be very busy with work, picked up the phone, and talked nonsense as if negotiating a huge deal, frequently throwing out large numbers. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, 'What's the matter?' The person blushed and answered, 'Sorry to bother you, I was just following up on the phone.'\My sister's phone was missing, and after searching for a long time, she couldn't find it. Her son curiously asked, 'Mom, what are you looking for?' She told him she was looking for her phone.Then I heard my little nephew calmly say, "When I came back, I saw it had fallen on the road......"
I saw an alarm app online: First, you need to take a random photo of anywhere in the room with your phone, then wait for the alarm to go off in the morning, then return to the original spot and take an almost identical photo to match it before you can turn off the alarm. If the photo doesn't match the number, the alarm won't stop... Reply from downstairs: I took a photo of the moon before going to bed, it's a tragedy.
At the end of the week, the sun was already shining on my butt, but my son still hadn't gotten up. Mom called out, "Lazybones, what time is it already? You're still sleeping?" "Get up." The son argued under the covers, "Last night the sun went to bed at 6 o'clock, but I didn't sleep until 10." One night, my roommate was hungry and frantically searched for food in the dorm. After searching everywhere without success, he swallowed two motion sickness pills and indeed slept quietly all night...... A male colleague saw that after changing his lover's phone number to 10086, he escaped multiple emergencies and imitated him. One night, he received a call from his lover for the first time in front of his wife and deliberately showed her the caller ID: 10086. After reading it, his wife immediately grabbed the phone and scolded the woman who was acting spoiled on the phone, then scolded her husband: "Are you stupid? You should call you with 10086 and visit relatives!" One night when I wanted to buy snacks, my mom stopped me and asked, "Aren't you going to lose weight?" I said, "Hi..." Anyway, I have a boyfriend, someone wants me..." Then my mom looked at me for a long time and said something very inspirational: "Don't want to change anymore?"
【I heard that killing games are popular nowadays】Replacing killing with rape becomes "Close your eyes..." "Open your eyes when dawn, XXX, you got raped." This change really breathed new life into this ancient game... Especially when a group of men are playing... Doing design is really tough. The top boss always tells designers, "Don't make your designs too artistic, they have to be vulgar, but not vulgar. You have to consider the overall level of the audience...... "Last night, a few of us guys were chatting in the dorm and unknowingly started talking about biology. A guy suddenly asked, "Do you think there are any guys in this world with two balls?!" As soon as he finished speaking, our dorm fell silent, and no one else dared to make a sound!We texted each other to communicate: 'Should we tell him the real situation?' After telling him the real situation, will it change his outlook on life and values?\ Last night, I was lying in bed with my back to my husband. Husband: 'Not to mention, even though your hair is fine, it's really resilient...' Then there was a rustling sound. Me: 'What are you doing?' Husband: 'I'm picking my teeth.' I turned around and saw, damn, he was using my hair as dental floss!!!\ A female friend went to Happy Valley, bought a knife, and later brought the knife into a haunted house. As soon as she entered, she started waving the knife and shouting: 'Don't touch me, anyone who touches me I'll slash.' After leaving, she went around saying Happy Valley's haunted house wasn't fun at all...\ My son is three years old. Last night he had a high fever around 2 a.m. and became unconscious, unable to speak. Our whole family was nearly scared to death. The situation in Sanya is terrible; calling 120 (emergency) took forever and no one came. Luckily, we called a friend in our neighborhood, and without hesitation, they helped us take him to the hospital. Today, when I took my son for a walk, he insisted on having ice cream. I disagreed, so I lied to him: 'Yesterday's fever was because of that. You've already had injections in your two hands, two feet, and butt. If you eat it again, where do you want the injection?' He brilliantly replied: 'There's still the little jj that hasn't had one...' I was conquered.\ I just saw a novel tucked inside a physics book. A friend of mine liked reading comics in middle school; he got addicted to a comic called 'Spicy Teacher.' While the Chinese teacher was teaching, my friend would read it inside his Chinese book. Half a class passed, and the teacher said: 'Zhang, I really can't watch this anymore. I don't care what book you're reading, and I don't care if it's inside my book. It's fine to laugh, but don't make it so obvious. All the books outside are upside down; I just don't believe you've been reading upside down for a whole class.'\ Yesterday, a house near home caught fire, and everyone anxiously waited for the firefighters. An elderly lady shouted loudly: 'Fire truck, hurry up! If it doesn't come, the fire will go out!' Suddenly, all the anxiety vanished...\ During pregnancy, I liked eating steamed eggs, but every time they ended up overcooked. Yet every time my husband made them, they turned out tender and delicious. So I always coaxed him into making them. One day, same as usual, he made the steamed eggs while I washed up. After a while, he came over and said, 'Do you know why you can't make delicious eggs?' 'Why?' 'Because you don't have eggs and don't understand the true essence of eggs.'"Back in high school, my close classmate A's family grew watermelons. When the watermelons started to go to market, a few close friends discussed with A and suggested we'd go to his house to eat watermelon together on the weekend. A patted his chest and said it was no problem. Then on the weekend, a few of us went over together, and A led us to the melon field. When we reached the edge, A said, 'You guys go in and eat.' Then we all went in and ate heartily. On the way back, we suddenly remembered and asked A why we didn't go in. A leisurely said, 'That melon patch just now isn't mine, I'll help you watch over people.' Then we started running wildly, afraid someone would notice and catch up.
In high school, I went to a military training base. The weather was very hot, there were no fans, and the dorm wasn't ventilated. There were eight people in one room. One day, everyone was so hot they wanted to take off their underwear. The dorm leader was sitting on the upper bunk, wrapped in a large quilt, not even her head exposed. Just as everyone was discussing whether the dorm leader had gone overheated, she suddenly threw off the blanket and proudly said, "Look, cover yourself with the blanket for a while, and if you lift it again, won't it be cool?!"
I like wearing skirts and was once harassed on the subway, so I prepared a needle for self-defense...... Yesterday, after work, someone touched my butt on the subway. I slowly took a needle out of my bag and held it in my hand. The man's hand was still there. I quickly grabbed his hand and grabbed it. Damn, that person was even faster than me. The needle stabbed hard into my butt, and the whole car could hear my screams. Now I'm still lying at home, the pain is unbearable......\A strange stingy guy at work once collected a large amount of free T-shirts from the company and then took the supermarket's free shuttle bus to sell them at school. One day, at a blind date, he cowardly begged a colleague A to accompany him. The colleague couldn't resist persistent pestering and went. After we got back, we asked colleague A what happened. A said, 'Damn, we chatted in the park until noon and didn't invite the beauty to eat. I was so embarrassed I suggested we eat together, but he immediately stood up, patted his butt, and said, 'Damn, I was starving. Whoever suggested it should pay!'
Here's a story about my younger brother. When I went to his house, he was only one year old. I saw him eating his dad's chest. I looked at his mom in confusion. As usual, this wasn't the climax—the climax was when his dad said, 'He thinks the mom is too small and won't eat it.' I laughed all afternoon...
The day before yesterday, I went on a trip and brought a pack of food and drinks. You know what foodies mean. Before driving, an older lady came up to sell: sunflower seeds and chewing gum, are you interested?Me: I have it! Saying that, I took sunflower seed chewing gum out of my bag! The aunt cast me a glance: chicken drumsticks, pig trotter! Me: I have them! I then took out chicken drumsticks and pig trotter from my bag! The aunt got angry: mineral water, iced green tea! Me: I have it! The aunt gave me a long look, then took a bottle from her personal water bucket: the ice is mine, not yours! \ Posting about my husband: my husband doesn't drink well and is often looked down on by his colleagues. One day he went to a convenience store to buy snacks and, unusually, bought a can of beer, saying he wanted to train his drinking ability. But after checking out, this guy boldly said: 'Boss, give me a straw...' and then sipped it all the way back home... \ A classmate had his laptop stolen, so I went with him to the second-hand market to look for another one. Suddenly, we found a laptop that looked very similar to the one he lost, so we pretended to want to buy it and took a look. Then my classmate pulled me aside and said that this laptop was his. I asked, 'Are you sure?' He said, 'Of course, the system hasn't been reinstalled, and all my files are still there...' \ When I was in school, every winter and summer vacation my parents would be at work, leaving me alone at home... I didn't know how to cook at that time, so my parents would always make a big pot of fried sauce for me, and I would cook noodles with it for lunch, which could last a few days. One week my mom went on a business trip, so my dad made the sauce. When I looked at it, I thought, wow, it looks like crap! My dad said, 'What looks like crap? If you don't like it, don't eat it!' I was so annoyed that before my dad came home at night, to prove it really looked like crap, I scooped several big spoons of it into the toilet without flushing. When my dad came back and saw it in the toilet, he yelled, 'After you take a shit, why the hell don't you flush!!!!!' \ When I was a child, I was very close with a classmate who was an excellent student, always inseparable. My mother often compared me to her... One time during dinner, my mom said: 'Look at XX, good grades and well-behaved. You can't even compare to one of her hair strands on her foot...' Without thinking, I replied: 'Then why did you raise me? You could have just raised her one foot hair instead...' \ One of my classmates is a passive type. When his parents found out, in order to continue the family line, they decided to send him to the army, hoping that through training he would become a real man and change his sexual orientation. Two years later, he returned, and his parents' efforts were not wasted. He thoroughly became a man, but his sexual orientation did not change. This time, he became the dominant.