Helplessly suffering like a low-income working guy, I rent a place whose bathroom has no window. Damn, the temperature has been gradually rising recently, and using the toilet for a big number every day feels like taking a sauna. Today, I made a bold decision after work and bought a fan. When buying it, I specifically told the shop owner that the space is small, get a small but powerful one. The owner picked the smallest one for me, but the wind is indeed strong. The noise is extremely loud, like an industrial exhaust fan. When I got home, I thought I could finally escape the sauna-like ordeal. In the evening, I eagerly waited for the feeling, turned on the fan, and enjoyed the pleasure of using the toilet. This small but powerful fan is truly satisfying. I thought it was worth buying! But just as I was finishing the first wipe and about to fold the toilet paper for the next wipe, I didn't hold it properly. The wind was too strong and blew it right onto my face...
A buddy used my car as the lead car for his wedding, with the bride sitting inside. On the road, another guy drove past from the opposite direction and later called me asking whose bride was so ugly. I quickly tried to find a way to hang up, and then the climax came. Before hanging up, this guy said, 'Finding such an ugly bride, you might as well marry a prostitute,' I lost it! I answered the call with my hands-free in the car, and the voice was booming.
I am a nursing intern. Once during my gynecology rotation, a girl was with me. One time, the director came to do a ward round, and I hurriedly opened the door. Unexpectedly, that clueless girl didn't recognize the director and slammed the door saying, 'Sorry, you can't come in now.' The director awkwardly said, 'I'm here for an inspection.' The girl said, 'Sir, this is gynecology. If you want to inspect, please go to the urology department downstairs.' The director was bewildered.
Riding the bus, there was a very short man standing by the window next to me. At a certain stop, a group of elderly ladies got on. The driver shouted, 'Young man, give up your seat!' After shouting, he looked back, then shouted again in my direction. At this time, the short man angrily yelled back, 'I'm standing! I'm standing!' with a voice full of grievance.
Here's one about my niece. The little girl is five years old, very cute, but when she was born she had surgery and now doesn't have a large intestine, so her diet is strictly controlled, let alone snacks. One day, she really wanted candy. Knowing her dad wouldn't allow it, she hugged the candy box and went to him, saying, 'Daddy, let's play a game. Pretend I'm sick, the thing in my hand is medicine, can you feed it to me?' Her dad instantly froze.
When I was a kid, I was pretty afraid of dogs.I went to the small shop in the village to buy something to eat. As soon as I entered the yard, their dog's leash somehow came off. I turned and ran, and the big dog chased me. It chased me across half the village, and later an adult saw it and shouted for me to stop. Damn, it didn't even care about me and went to chase the chickens instead… Later, when I was in middle school, I always held the record for the school's 800-meter run.
A friend's little boy said to a young mom who was breastfeeding, “Mommy, you said I ate this when I was little, but I forgot. Can I try it again?”
One morning during a teacher's class, the teacher was very strict and naggy. My deskmate got her period, took a pack of sanitary pads from under the desk, opened a new one, and tore it with a 'snap.' Unexpectedly, the naggy teacher walked over and snatched it, sarcastically saying, “What's so good to eat? Give some to the teacher, huh?” So…
I am female… Just now, I was in my room watching Iron Brave Mission. There was a scene where a woman was about to give birth, screaming nonstop. Suddenly, I got a message from my dad: “Watch this movie quietly, the sound is affecting things badly!!!” When I tried to explain after going out, my dad had already left…
Here's something from my childhood. I am male, and I had a younger sister, four years younger. We used to fight and quarrel a lot when we were kids. Whenever I bullied her to the point of making her cry, my mom would beat me. Once, a few neighbors were playing at my house, and I fought with my sister again. During the fight, I pushed her too hard and her head hit the wall with a bang. She started crying, and I mocked her, laughing while saying sarcastic things. After a while, she stopped crying but didn't get up to fight me like usual! She only said, “Just wait.” I didn't think much of it. That night, when my mom came home, the first thing she asked was, '**(my sister's nickname) finished her homework or not?' At that moment, my sister looked up at my mom with hollow, blank eyes and asked, “Who are you?” My mom was stunned, then pointed at me asking if she recognized me. My sister still looked at my mom with the same blank eyes and said, “I don't know.” For several questions, she kept looking at my mom with vacant eyes and said she didn't know. I was dumbfounded. Then a kid said that in the afternoon, her brother pushed her during a fight against him. My mom paused at this, then grabbed me and started beating me. I dodged and shouted that she was faking it. My mom still beat me. After I cried, she asked my sister, “Do you recognize me now?” My sister said, “Mom, I went to play. Call me for dinner.” Then she ran off, leaving me crying there while my mom laughed.\Damn it, the most despicable bicycle thief, you don't steal the handlebars or the big bar, but damn it, you take apart my bike seat! Should I tell you that I rode home standing?! Crap! Almost exhausted me to death!!!\Let me tell you about a bizarre junior high classmate. The junior high head teacher was very strict, really tough. People in the class always let the air out of his tires. One time my classmate was called in by the teacher and the next day, he brought a saw to school. During gym class, he disappeared... Next class, the head teacher, with an angry face, said: Who sawed off the big bar of my bicycle yesterday! The big bar? How long do you need to saw that thing!\Once, a few friends were partying in a KTV until dawn. One guy went straight to his room (he shared a room with his younger brother). To avoid waking his brother, he turned on a dim lamp. Just as he was about to get into bed, he turned his head and saw his brother's face covered in blood. Shocked, he knelt on the bed and slapped him several times, crying and shouting: “When did you die? When the hell did you die!!”... The brother woke up from sleep, confused, looking at his brother who was crying with snot and tears, and both were instantly panicked. It was just a nosebleed, damn it...\At the school debate competition, the topic was which is more important, inner or outer beauty. Our side, the Computer Science Department, was all boys, and the opposing side, the Political Science Department, was all girls... During free debate, one guy slammed the table and stood up, saying: Opposing debater, you see me well-dressed now, but do you know that I'm actually a beast? The other side...\I went to a salon that looked quite upscale to get a haircut. Hairdresser: What kind of hairstyle would you like, miss? Me: I want a middle part. Hairdresser: A middle part doesn't suit you. Your hair volume isn't enough, your forehead isn't high enough, the top of your head is pointy, blah blah blah. A middle part definitely won't look good on you. Me: Oh, then what hairstyle do you think suits me? After fiddling with my hair for a long while, the hairdresser finally said: Miss, let's stick with the middle part, other hairstyles might look worse. My thoughts: WTF!!!!We participated in a sports meet in middle school, running the 100 meters. Everyone would get ready and wait for the gunshot, when suddenly an old lady selling cold drinks came by and shouted, 'Popsicles!' Everyone immediately ran over.
I'm a struggling senior in high school. Yesterday, my dad drove me to cram school and we ran into a scammer… There was an old man, about 50 years old, riding a bicycle in front of us. No matter how my dad honked, he wouldn't move aside. So we tried to go around him, but he fell on his own. We didn't hit him. My dad stayed calm and told me to get out of the car and put his bicycle in the trunk. I did as told. Even after I put his bicycle in the trunk, he kept playing dead. Once I got back in the car, my dad hit the gas, driving with the old man's bicycle in the trunk. Here's the climax: the old man suddenly jumped up and started chasing us, shouting, 'My bicycle!' I stopped staying calm then – a man over 50 ran faster than me…
We have a 5-year-old beauty, little Jasmine. I hate telling her stories because she always questions everything, meaning I have to keep creating endings for her. Yesterday I told her a story about a princess and a prince, and in the end, the princess and prince lived happily together. Then came the climax: she wasn't satisfied and asked thoughtfully, 'What happened next?' I said, 'Nothing happened next.' She asked, 'How could nothing happen next? How many kids did they have? How was the relationship with the mother-in-law?' My god, where did you learn this? You little monster!
Background: In the dorm restroom… The girl goes to the bathroom: squats and checks Qiubai, squats until legs go numb, wipes, drops phone into the toilet, puts used toilet paper into her pocket, flushes… Geez, the whole process is insanely hectic.
I really hate it when people say 'whatever.' One day, my mom asked me to get her something to eat from the fridge. I asked, 'What do you want to eat?' She replied, 'Whatever, anything is fine.' So, living up to her 'expectation,' I brought her a celery stalk.
I like a beautiful girl. Today I volunteered to help out at her house, which turned into a tragic day… Her dad is a very serious man with a scholarly look and glasses. After finishing the work, I was worried about my smelly feet, so I washed them in her bathroom.Halfway through, her dad needed to go to the bathroom, so I stood up to give him my seat. Just as we brushed past each other, I slipped and fell. Instinctively, I grabbed on with my hand and caught hold of her dad's shorts. Immediately, her dad fell too, his face landing right in the foot bath... When the beautiful woman and her mom came rushing over at the sound, the mother and daughter saw this scene: her dad propping himself up with his hands over a basin of foot-washing water, coughing nonstop, with his bare butt exposed... Next to him was me, sitting on the ground stunned and at a loss... So I red-facedly apologized and finally fled in a panic. As I left, her dad was brushing his teeth.
The child asked her mom: ‘How do you make a sentence with ABCDEFG?'
Mom: ‘A! This B kid, belonging to C family? Standing barefoot on D, not wearing EF, and exposing his little GG!'
A BOY CAN DO EVERYTHING FOR GIRLFRIEND he is just kidding
During college, a roommate habitually skipped class and stayed in the dorm. One day, my roommate and I came back from a meeting. He wasn't there. I looked at the desk and said, ‘The cigarette butt hasn't completely gone out, he shouldn't be far.' My lower bunk roommate touched the monitor and said, ‘Still warm, he just left.' At that moment, we heard the guy lying on the bed helplessly yell, ‘You two idiots, lying on the bed and not even looking, and you pretend to be Sherlock Holmes!'
Sleeping in class, math class... the teacher walked by, tapped the desk, then pointed at the blackboard, meaning to go up and solve the problem. I didn't hear anything, how would I know? As I walked to the podium, he was looking at my textbook~ I felt so conflicted! Suddenly, a flash of inspiration... A moment later I went down and patted his shoulder: ‘Teacher, the blackboard is wiped clean...' The whole class burst out laughing, only he was left confused in the wind...
I saw a post on Campus Network that said, ‘I've seen people hate Japan, I've seen people against the US, why have I never seen angry youths against Russia? The Jiandong 64 Villages Massacre, seizing my Outer Xing'an Mountains, splitting my Outer Mongolia, and even trying to annex Northeast China, Russia is really much worse than Japan, so why is no one against Russia?' Then a comment on the floor was highlighted — ‘Because this knowledge point is beyond the syllabus.' Beyond. The syllabus.
Riding the Sichuan-Tibet line, there was a guy in the team with OCD. Specifically, he couldn't pee if there was no toilet... But there are many places along the Sichuan-Tibet line with no houses. Yesterday he used a pen to write the word ‘toilet' on a rock, and then was able to pee smoothly... The whole team laughed to death...
Freshly graduated university student.On the day of enrollment, I said to my dad, 'Dad, why don't you just give me a semester's living expenses at once?' My dad laughed heartily: 'Do you want me to give you four years' worth at once? For the first two years, you can be a playboy, and for the last two years, you'll be a beggar.' I burst out laughing……\When I was in high school, I suddenly picked up the bad habit of smoking. When my dad found out, he calmly took a paper cup half-filled with water to my room to have a heart-to-heart talk, using it as an ashtray, and handed me a cigarette while talking. I was so happy. After smoking seven or eight cigarettes in two hours, he became serious, pointed to the paper cup and said, 'Drink this, or I'll beat you, you little brat.' I held back my nausea and drank some—honestly, I vomited all day. And since then, I have never touched a cigarette again. Guys, this is a great way to quit smoking……\Behind our school was a cemetery. One night, a certain leader was on duty and heard giggling and women's laughter from the roof in the middle of the night. He was so scared that he didn't dare to sleep or go out to check. The next day, he went to break branches off a peach tree for protection. Later, he found out that it was just two students in love watching stars on the roof.\Speaking of myself, I'm working on an engineering project in Africa. The black driver I work with has been with me for a long time, quite smart, and has learned a lot of Chinese…… Today, stuck in traffic, a big truck beside us was squeezing our car. This silly driver opened the window and said in perfect Mandarin, 'You go there but you go here, **,' and then grinned proudly at me…… But that wasn't the climax. Just as I was enjoying it, the driver next to me shouted, '****'…… Speechless, no Chinese escape, apparently, can block it anywhere on earth.\On the bus, a mom was sitting next to me holding her little girl. The little girl kept fussing, and finally started happily singing nursery rhymes out loud. The mom couldn't take it anymore and kept saying 'Shh, shh...' to quiet her. The little girl got angry, turned around, and loudly said to her mom, 'Shh what shh, I almost peed!'\Just now, my boss called me to go downstairs for a meal, and I pretended to be busy with work: 'You go first, I'll finish reconciling these accounts before eating.' My boss looked at me full of admiration! As soon as he left, I quickly took out the prepared lunch box with banana, apple, Rice Crackers, and sausage… a colorful spread. Then I started eating heartily. At that moment, the door opened—my boss had forgotten his car keys and came back… seeing me enjoying all the food so deliciously… and then…And then nothing happened... Because I live in another city and wanted to buy a cost-effective house, I asked all my friends around to keep an eye out. One time, I was on the bus when a friend called me saying there was a suitable house, just a bit expensive. I said, 'Wait a moment, let me grab a bank first.' At this moment, the guy sitting next to me said, 'Take me along then.'
Our company boss and boss's wife have their offices at opposite ends of the large office... Every day, this scene plays out: The boss stands at the door of his office, not wandering around, just waiting. As soon as he sees the boss's wife coming out of her office, he excitedly says, 'Ah, my dear, long time no see!' Then the boss's wife instantly beams like a dazzling firework~~ And then the rest of us in this big office just sit there, holding it in while staring at our computer screens...
