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Passing by a lawn, I saw a slogan: Today you step on my head, next year I'll grow on your grave...\Me: 'I think children are the best gift heaven has given me.' Wife: 'What about me?' Me: 'You are heaven.' Bro, I've lived my whole life relying on quick reactions.\When I was in elementary school, the teacher asked us to write an essay about doing housework and repeatedly emphasized being truthful. I wonder if you all had the same requirement back then. On Monday, the teacher asked a classmate to read it aloud. He read: 'After going home, I want to help my mom do the laundry. Mom said, go play somewhere else. I said the teacher asked me to do it. My mom said, your teacher really nags so much...' This was the truest essay I've ever heard.\Xiamen has two districts, one called Siming and one called Huli. A colleague was transferred from Siming to Huli. A colleague from out of town called the office, asking: 'Is XX there?' The reply: 'He's not here, he's been transferred to Huli.' The caller was silent for a moment and then asked: 'How careless! Did you recover him?'\After a colleague finished her internship, she was processing her employment registration. While entering data, she said to me: 'My ID card says Cheng Yiyi, not Cheng Yiyi (different characters).' I joked: 'Haha, so is your sister called Cheng Dieyi?' She disdainfully snorted: 'My father's wisdom is not something you can fathom.' When filling in her relatives' information, I asked what her sister's name really was. She put on a stern face, hesitated for a long time, then slowly said three characters: 'Cheng Yier.'\After seeing the NetEase news article '14-Year-Old North Korean Girl Drowns Protecting Kim Jong-il Portrait and Receives Reward,' I saw a comment: 'To deal with the North Korean army, just throw Kim Jong-il pictures into the sea like crazy...'\A flat-chested girl is remodeling her house. The construction team's quality is terrible, so her father argues with them! The girl comes to mediate. Her father says: 'Just in time, you came, lie down!' He points at his daughter and shouts at the construction foreman: 'See? This is flat! What you call the floor tiles being flat is nothing.'\Driving to Suzhou, just entered the highway when a tour bus tried to fight for my lane. Thinking my car is better, I raced down the road. Sure enough, the 'uncle' appeared and called through the mic in Shanghainese: '沪HCXXXX, don't embarrass your hometown people, overtaking him quickly!' Oh my... what's going on here?\Life tip! Often break your straw when drinking yogurt and can't get it in?Here's a little trick: calmly take out the straw, it's best to play with it in your hand for a while, don't look at the yogurt, act as if nothing's happening, and then, while it's not paying attention, poke it suddenly!\Guo Degang: "Sun Wukong is very silly and innocent; he is a monkey and can never be a human. He guards the Peach Garden, seven fairies come to pick peaches, he shouts 'Freeze,' all seven fairies freeze right there, and he turns around to pick peaches himself! This shows that a monkey is just a monkey!" Yu Qian: "What about you?" Guo Degang: "I would need to bring a basket.\Today I went to fix my headphones, and after the customer service girl cleaned my ears, the sound quality felt much better -_-.\With oil prices hitting eight yuan today, there's still a girl who thinks getting a ride in a car is just for a joyride, how naive!!\You can try calling your teacher at 2 a.m., saying, 'Teacher, are you asleep?' He says, 'Yes, what's up?' At this moment, you yell with all your strength, 'I'm still damn doing homework!' and then, before he can react, hang up decisively.\Li Bai: The road to Shu is difficult, more difficult than ascending to the blue sky. Judge Bao: Brother Bai, you...! Du Fu: A flock of egrets rises to the blue sky. Judge Bao: Damn you two!!\"Classmate, what do you think about working eight days in a row?" "Can I speak in my hometown dialect?" "Of course." "I don't know which idiot came up with this stupid policy, they don't understand a thing, damn it!~" "What does this mean?" "It's just about responding to the policy and working hard."\Qiao Feng! If you weren't Khitan, why would you have a wolf's head tattoo on your chest?" Qiao Feng laughed heartily when he heard this, pulled aside his collar, exposing his chest, "My tattoo is clearly a Husky, it's the mark of the heir to the Beggars' Sect Dog Beating Staff!**!\"Master, why do you always say Amitabha?" "Dear devotee, I feel that if a monk expresses emotions with 'hehe,' it's too worldly. Amitabha."\Long, long ago, in the days when passengers could still be in the cockpit, I encountered a flight incident… I rushed to the cockpit and spoke to the pilot because I saw he was panicking, 'Are you confident about flying to Hangzhou?' 'No,' the pilot answered. 'How about Beijing?' 'Also no.' 'Then what the hell are you doing? No confidence at all!' 'Damn it, we are an ambulance; just lie down.'"You are walking on the road, and a female dog suddenly leaps at you and bites off a piece of meat from your thigh, swallowing it quickly. Just as you reach out to kick it, the dog, with tears in its eyes, says: 'Go ahead and hit me, anyway, your flesh is already in my stomach!' Truly admire Li Bai, who knew how to insult the Japanese back in the Tang dynasty: `At sunset, the dark mountains and the small boat on the orchid river, There were originally no clouds to adorn the clear spring. Last year the falling leaves decided the fate, Still waters ripple, yet the person is gone.` A few years ago, I was eating in a private room with my buddies, drinking beer... Godzilla... To prevent anyone from sneaking out under the pretense of going to the bathroom to avoid drinking, we set a rule that whoever goes out must first drink a bottle. Anyone who has drunk beer knows, once you start, it becomes multiple trips. Everyone endured without going out... Ultimately, one friend couldn't take it anymore and yelled: 'LZ, don't drink, and don't go out, okay?' This guy actually took an empty beer bottle in the corner and peed into it... Late at night, everyone was drunk, finally ready to leave, staggering one by one. When going out, one friend asked, 'Did everyone finish drinking?' After checking, he said: 'Yeah, they're all done... finished...' A sentence not cut... Yesterday the boss asked a colleague what their biggest dream was as a child. The colleague answered: 'To climb into the TV and kill Grannie Rong...' I, a male who likes women, is there anyone like me? When the teacher calls to answer a question, I just remain silent... Cut me? Finally, one day the teacher said: 'Everyone should learn from LZ, who values words like gold. If he were an undercover, he wouldn't say a word even if beaten to death, and he hasn't answered a single question of mine yet.' LZ was embarrassed and about to answer, but from the corner came a voice: 'Teacher, he's mute!' wlgc, and then, nothing more. Today I was watching TV and the remote broke, so I went to a small shop to get a universal remote. I didn't know how to use it. It needed activation and some adjustments to work, so I pressed things randomly according to the instructions. Just heard a beep... the air conditioner turned on... turned on... wow!! It startled me, what's going on??? LZ greeted the chief flight attendant the day before yesterday when getting off the plane: 'Chief, leaving now, goodbye...' 'Goodbye...' When I walked on the jetbridge, GC came... Meanwhile, another idiot said, 'Idiot, can't even take a flight without hitting on girls'... what's happening, even when I greet, I get fired at, bro, I'm staff... ah... I heard someone knocking at the door, I asked: 'Who is it?' No one answered, I raised my voice and asked again: 'Who is it?' Still no one answered. I got a bit angry and shouted: 'WHO!!!'I only heard a young girl outside the door angrily say: 'I didn't knock on your door.'\ During an exam, the invigilating teacher walked up to a student.\ Teacher: What are you copying?\ Student: I'm copying the questions.\ Teacher: Why are you copying the questions?\ Student: Preparing for the make-up exam…\ One time, I got drunk, and the next day I felt really embarrassed. So I called my brother and said: 'Bro, I'm really sorry, I got so drunk last night.'\ ...it's like this cut...\ My friend replied: 'Bro! Getting drunk is normal, but last night you threw my hamster out and shouted, go! Pikachu!'\ Speaking of grandmas, one time on the bus, a thief was about to steal a grandma's money. The grandma noticed but didn't dare to directly demand it back, so she said something that impressed me until now: 'Young man, check if my money fell into your pocket?'\ I have a two-year-old little girl cousin. One day she was insisting on drinking orange juice. Her grandpa said the orange juice was sour, and if she drank it, her teeth might fall out. She didn't understand, so her grandpa took a sip of the orange juice and then took his dentures out. From then on, the little girl never drank orange juice again.\ I am a woman, slightly chubby. Background info complete. I run a small restaurant. A skinny person nearby loves to come eat at my place. Every time they see me, they say: 'Fat lady, give me a serving of xxxx.' Every time I cook for them, I put extra meat and oil, making it delicious. Finally, she/she became even fatter than me.\ Right now on the bus, there's a mother and child behind me. The child says: 'Mom, I'll recite a poem for you!' Mom ignored him, the child said again: 'Mom, I'll recite a poem for you!' Mom continued to ignore him. The child roared: 'Mom, I'll recite a poem for you!!!' Mom also exploded and shouted: 'You recite!!' In the end, the child said: 'You scared me so much I forgot…'\ When I first joined the company, I was very naive. One time, I saw a female colleague leaning her elbows on the leader's desk while talking, exposing a lot of her chest. I kindly signaled her with a hand gesture: 'Wardrobe malfunction!' Instead, she silently glared at me and continued talking while leaning there… I immediately understood a lot…\ I studied engineering… why didn't it pass… Today while drawing a big diagram, a guy suddenly roared: 'Who's so mean, stuck half a pencil lead in my eraser, my whole diagram is ruined!!'\ Cut off my silly girlfriend's... After having a cold war with my girlfriend for two days, when we met again, she said calmly: 'You don't need to force yourself to see me.'Me: So what should I toughen up to see you?!!
Teacher asked: If you were stranded on a small island and had to choose between meat or a bag of potatoes, which would you choose? Most people chose potatoes! Only Su Lele chose meat. The teacher then asked, ‘Why are you different from everyone else? You could plant the potatoes and eat them later!' Su Lele replied, ‘But the meat would get maggots!' Teacher: ‘You're out.'
Today, I met a foreigner at the subway station. He looked quite chubby, with a round face and seemed very kind. But then, he lost his balance in the subway and hit the back of his head on the glass. Then, he spoke in perfectly standard Chinese—two words: “Wǒ cào!” (an expletive). These two words are really universally understood.
I remember in junior high, ‘we often got worksheets.' The history teacher usually didn't bring a worksheet but used the students' instead. Once, when discussing a worksheet, there was a question: ‘What kind of person was Wade, the commander of the Eight-Nation Alliance?' The teacher picked up a student's worksheet and hit him because he had written ‘beast.'
A classmate joined the dormitory management committee in the first year of high school... Asked the minister: ‘Can boys check girls' dorms, and girls check boys'?' The minister calmly replied: ‘As long as the boys aren't afraid of being kicked out by the girls, and the girls aren't afraid of being dragged in by the boys... it's fine.'
A colleague of mine is 24 this year. His mom had him a younger brother, who is now 5~ Circumcise or not~ When my colleague told me, he looked really troubled. His brother was pampered since birth; drinking and eating well, even in college, I have to pay his tuition~ The tuition!~
I remember in 2010, a buddy and I stayed up all night at an internet cafe... In the later hours, I was a bit sleepy so I slept! Around 5 a.m., someone called me. I was too tired to check the number and answered. I said hello several times but no one spoke. My buddy woke up next to me and said, ‘What are you doing, hand-feeding a mouse?'
When I just started smoking, I would always hide it from my dad. One night on the way home, I saw him walking by. I quickly flicked with my hand, confident I left no trace, but my dad gave me a slap: ‘Do you still have meteors behind your butt?'... not unfairly punished.
Sha Seng: ‘Second Brother, umm, do you still miss Xiulan from Gao Laozhuang?'
Bajie shook his head while looking at the figure in front carrying the Golden Cudgel.
Wukong: ‘Master, after we get the scriptures, come with me back to Flower-Fruit Mountain.'
Tang Seng: ‘Wukong, do you think we're just going to get the scriptures? I must stay up all night discussing Buddhism with the Buddha.'"She blushed as she spoke, but she didn't know when, beneath her, the white dragon horse was already covered in tears. The story of four men with pasts and a horse."