{Previous Life} Ashes

Ps: In your previous life, you were a woman.
【Previous Life】\ You were born in the north.\ On that day, the sky was blue, and the sunlight was gently warm. But your fate was not as pleasant as the weather. On such a beautiful day, you were abandoned.\ When your father, with a face full of disdain, threw you at the edge of the city, you neither cried nor fussed; lying quietly in your swaddling clothes, you watched the blue sky. Your mother, looking unwilling, left reluctantly under your father's scolding. You looked at the bright blue above and suddenly laughed—the pure and innocent laughter unique to babies.\ “This child, not even fully covered in hair, can still smile after being thrown away by her parents, really,” a slightly aged voice exclaimed in surprise and admiration. An elderly man in plain clothes picked you up, saying, “It is fate that we meet here; I will keep you until you grow up.” The elder held you with a smile, making you laugh.\ “Do you like this blue sky?” the elder asked, and you just looked at him with your clear, innocent eyes.\ “Hehe, little one, then your surname shall be Lan.” The elder smiled, leaving a hazy mist in the cold early spring air, which you reached out to touch. The elder continued thinking, “Call her Lan Qin.” Nodding to himself, he confirmed, “Qin'er, Qin'er. A good name, hehe.”\ And so, you were taken into the elder's world.\ The elder was named Zhang Yu, a scholar in a theatrical troupe who wrote scripts and taught everyone reading. Everyone called him Old Zhang. The troupe leader, Qiu Run, respected Old Zhang. When he saw Old Zhang returning with a child, he was startled. After asking, he learned the child was found and said no more. Zhang Yu understood his intentions and said, “Leader Qiu, if you want to train her, just teach her, but this child is still too young; she must grow a little before practicing skills.” Qiu Run nodded and looked at Zhang Yu gratefully. Taking you from Zhang Yu's hands, he held you and asked, “What is her name?” Zhang Yu smiled and said, “Lan Qin.” “Lan Qin, a good name.”\ At four years old, you began training alongside senior brothers and sisters. In the heat of summer, you stubbornly practiced, enduring what some of your elder brothers could not. Yet you persisted relentlessly.\ The first time you were beaten was because of Song Xi.\ That year, you were seven years old.Senior Brother Song Xi is a year older than you. True to his name, he has fair skin and delicate features, but he is quiet and rarely speaks, always wearing a serious expression. You, however, feel a lot like him, so you always stay close to him. One day, Song Xi broke a rice bowl, which is considered extremely taboo in the opera troupe. Anything can be broken, but not rice bowls. You pushed your own rice bowl to Song Xi, kneeling next to the shattered pieces before Qiu Run came in, your face calm.\
"Master, your disciple knows their mistake. It won't happen again; please punish me," you said calmly.\
That night, you were punished in the woodshed, your skin slashed into bruises. Song Xi peered at you through the woodshed window. You knew he was watching, and you smiled. In the darkness, the moonlight poured down, and your smile was warm and gentle, just like the sunlight that day. Song Xi's palms were sweating, and he held a piece of bread. He practiced alone in a corner for a long while. When he gave you the bread, he wanted to say, "You don't owe me," but unfortunately, it was never needed later.\
Afterward, your relationship with Song Xi improved. Song Xi was not as cold as he appeared.\
When you were sixteen, Song Xi was seventeen. Old Master Zhang left all the written opera scripts and one night, departed, leaving a letter for you. He told you that in his final years, he just wanted to travel a bit on his own. You needn't worry.\
That year, you and Song Xi happened to be performing on stage. You had hoped to show Old Master Zhang. It didn't happen, but it became the first and greatest disaster of your life.\
You played Xu Xian, he played Bai Suzhen. A performance of "Bai Suzhen Forever Sealed in Leifeng Pagoda" made Song Xi famous. When you saw this senior brother appear in full stage makeup for the first time, you were stunned. This was the same senior brother who followed you every day. But you did not see the pair of greedy eyes in the audience.\
You and Song Xi often sat on the hillside behind the mountain for a while. Song Xi liked to use a branch to write your name on the ground.\
"It's really nice, we both share names given by Old Master Zhang. Why is your name so melodious, Lan Qin, Qin'er, no matter how you say it, it's beautiful," he said softly, pointing at the ground with the branch, smiling.\
You say nothing, looking at his smiling profile. Senior Brother was handsome, truly beautiful, and as time passed, you realized it more and more.\
"Senior Brother, when I have enough silver, we will travel to many, many places," you said earnestly to him.He looked up at you, raised his index finger, and gently touched the center of your forehead, feeling a slight coolness upon contact. You stubbornly met his gaze. Only when he said, "Good," did you lower your eyes. Song Xi hummed some lines from a play lightly, and even his voice was like him—was it because of years of practice, or was it innate?

You had dreamed of Song Xi.

In your dream, Song Xi was alone in his stage costume, singing gently on the stage. The moonlight illuminated the entire theater, and he was so enchanting. You were so captivated that you kept staring at him.

That dream became one of the few treasures you had.

That day, after waking up, you couldn't find Song Xi anywhere.

You asked Qiu Run, who gave you a few perfunctory, meaningless responses and then left, saying he had matters to attend to. After asking many people, you finally found out: a son of a high-ranking official had invited him to perform at his residence. You breathed a sigh of relief, but somehow felt heavy-hearted. On the third day, Song Xi returned, looking exhausted. The moment he came back, he lay down on the bed and fell asleep immediately. You sat by the bed, staring at the red marks on Song Xi's neck, and suddenly understood something. You recalled how, when work ended at the theater, some people had discussed others—which you hadn't paid much attention to—only remembering one name: the son of that official, rumored to be lustful and interested in both men and women.

You slowly stood up and ran out to find Qiu Run, grabbing his clothes and repeatedly asking why. Qiu Run didn't understand what you were saying and dragged you into a room, making you sit down. You trembled and glared angrily at him.

"Why, why did you let Senior Brother be violated?"

"This... I had no choice. If I didn't hand him over, the theater troupe would have been destroyed. Sigh," Qiu Run said helplessly. You walked back in a daze and encountered Song Xi. He still looked tired. You didn't see him at first, but as you were about to pass by, he pulled you back. Turning around, you saw it was him. You froze, unsure of what to say. Song Xi led you to sit on the hillside behind the house, holding a branch and writing your name again.

"Why are you awake? Don't you want to sleep a bit longer?" After a while, your dry voice broke the silence first.

"Your noise was so loud, how could I not notice?" Song Xi looked up at you with a smile. The smile, however, was fragile—you could tell he was suppressing something, something as turbulent and stormy as a tempest.You reached out your hand and gently stroked his face. "Senior Brother, don't be like this. Let's escape. I mean it." You wanted to give him hope, but saw the deep despair in his eyes, and your heart was startled.

"Escape? Silly Qin'er, this isn't a matter of whether we run or not." He took a deep breath, stood up, and brushed off his clothes.

You grabbed the hem of his clothes, asking him to sit down, and he had no choice but to sit again. "If we don't go back soon, Master will come looking for us."

"Senior Brother, seeing you like this makes my heart ache." You looked at him and gently caressed his refined face. In his usually impassive voice, there was truly only worry this time. Song Xi looked into your eyes, and suddenly, tears fell from you. Big, rolling tears, as if there was no reason or way to stop them.

Song Xi stared blankly at you. You finally couldn't hold back and hugged him. You held him, your voice still calm, but the tears continued to fall in heavy drops. "Senior Brother, Senior Brother, I like you, I like you the most."

Song Xi gently patted your back. "Qin'er, don't cry. If you cry, I'll cry too. Before, I liked you too and planned to tell you when you were older. But sadly, I am already tainted, unworthy of Qin'er's affection." His voice was cold; his despair, like vines, entwined him and you. Despite your efforts to shake your head, Song Xi's despair was already deeply rooted.

You had a premonition that if you let go of him now, you might never see him again in your lifetime. What's meant to be lost, will be lost.

You held tighter. "Senior Brother, what did he do to you?" Song Xi's body jolted, he didn't speak.

"Senior Brother, what he did to you… he did the same to me, didn't he?" You gently rubbed your forehead against the hollow of Song Xi's neck. Song Xi held you tightly, saying nothing. After a long time, he suddenly kissed you. You saw his tears, and the storm beneath his madness, and in your heart, you gently chanted, "Let it all out on me."

Qiu Run watched you from behind a tree, wiped his tears, and turned to leave. He got completely drunk, and inside the house, sang loudly as if shouting something. A desolate night, chilling an entire autumn.

After Song Xi left again, he never returned. Later, you tried very hard to find out, and finally learned that he had jumped into a well in that mansion. You laughed frantically.You inquired everywhere and spent all the silver you had, finally learning that Song Xi's corpse had been thrown into a desolate area outside the city. You searched for a long time and eventually found that swollen, unbearable body; in his arms was a wooden comb he used most often, which he frequently used to comb your hair, smiling as he said your hair was beautiful.

You quietly stayed with that already putrid, rotten corpse for a long time, and finally you dug a pit, using your hands to dig bit by bit, and buried him.

After Song Xi left, a junior fellow disciple two years younger than you, Du Yu, took Song Xi's place, and you often acted alongside him. On the day of your formal stage debut, you saw for the first time those greedy eyes. Looking at Du Yu, you finally understood Song Xi's despair.

Sure enough, not long after, Du Yu also went to perform at that residence. You seemed to see the Song Xi of the past.

“It's all fate, hehe.” Qiu Run was standing beside you, unnoticed.

“Qin'er, do you know who my wife was?” Qiu Run asked. You shook your head.

“She died early. In the past, I performed with her. We loved performing tremendously, blending reality and illusion, singing out life's entirety. Isn't that so?”

You looked at the entrance of the theater troupe, seeing only a chill.

“Later, not long after we married, she was defiled by a wealthy young master. Feeling she had wronged me, she hanged herself,” Qiu Run said with a slight tremor in his voice.

From a room in the west, a mournful melody of the guqin drifted out. You remembered, that was the room of Fu Yan, a woman who was very close to Du Yu. Through the window, you saw her fingers flying over the strings, and at a passionate moment, tears splashed onto the guqin. She looked up and saw you, and you looked at her. This troupe had performed countless tales of joy and sorrow. In the end, they performed it on themselves.

Once winter arrived, on the first snowfall, you packed your luggage and took the wooden comb that Song Xi once used, leaving the troupe. You always wore men's clothing because you liked things neat and tidy. Performing was the same. Almost no one noticed you, a mere supporting role.

As cold and distant as your own self.

You went to an inn. In your room, you carefully shaped your eyebrows, wore a water-green outfit, tied your hair in a bun, a swallow hairpin poised to fly, your clear eyes glowing brightly.

At night, you went to the theater garden, and the young master from that residence was also there.You lightly moved your lotus-like steps and sat behind that young master. The young master caught a whiff of fragrance and turned around to see you. The astonishment in his eyes was completely unabashed.\
That night, you returned to the mansion with him, and when he pounced on you, he just happened to fall onto the dagger in your hand. You drew the dagger and swiftly cut his throat, not even giving him a chance to call for help.\
You changed your clothes, found that well, looked at the clear water inside, a crescent moon, a few stars, and it seemed as if you saw Song Xi's profile, smiling and saying something.\
You turned and left, going outside the city, and with that dagger, you slashed your own face and entire body, until finally you collapsed, bloodied, by Song Xi's side.