Quotes from a despicable person~

Our school principal said: 'If you see an elderly person or a child fall, you should help them. If they try to scam you, I will pay 300,000 yuan for you, the politics teacher will accompany you to court, the Chinese teacher will defend you, and the math teacher will calculate your chances of winning. In case you are locked up, the geography and physics teachers will survey the terrain, the chemistry teacher will prepare explosives, the PE teacher will rescue you, and I along with the entire staff and students will be at the school gate to pick you up!'

When getting a haircut, I chatted with the barber. He said the most hurtful experience in his life was when he was still an apprentice, giving a haircut to a college student. When the student sat down he said: 'Just trim a bit,' and opened his phone to read a novel. About ten minutes later, he looked up at the mirror, froze for a few seconds, then silently closed the novel and opened Taobao on his phone, searching for the keyword: 'men's hats.'

I saw an elementary school student handing out flyers by the roadside all morning and thought it was so hard, so I found a bench and sat down to watch.

While playing WeChat drift bottles, I picked up one from Shenzhen that lasted 23 seconds. For the first twenty seconds, no words, and in the last three seconds, only one sentence: 'sb, you're still listening..' Damn it!

Heavy rain. 'Here's the umbrella, you use it! Don't catch a cold!' Tenderly and concerned, he asked: 'What about you? Shall I share my ride with you?'

In the morning, a few people were walking together. One said: 'Look, a dead bird, probably froze to death last night.' Everyone else looked forward, only I lifted my head, looking at the sky: 'Where… I didn't see it…'

From the text below, find the words 'way out'. 'Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat' Stop looking, fat people have no way out.

When I was a child, I loved playing hide-and-seek the most. When others had hidden, I would go home to eat.

Your romantic rival and someone who once betrayed you both fall into a river and can't swim. Do you choose to go clubbing or to the KTV?
If you shamelessly contact someone you like and they don't reply, don't be sad. Most likely, they got hit by a car while replying to you, then run over by another car, their eyeballs exploded and were eaten by stray dogs, making it impossible to type, and at this moment, they are still holding a phone in their bloodied, mangled hands.
I saw her asleep, remembered the rotten idea circulating online, and slapped her twice. She opened her eyes in terror, and I quickly hugged her and said, 'Baby, did you have a nightmare? Don't be afraid, everything is fine with me.' She endured for a while and said, 'I was just thinking with my eyes closed, not actually asleep...'
Bajie said: 'Master, you should go to the hospital, I heard they even opened a special department for you.' Wukong: 'Oh? What department?' 'The Idiot Monkey Department!'
There was a man from the State of Chu who sold shields and spears. He boasted about his shield: 'My shield is incredibly strong; nothing sharp can pierce it.' Then he boasted about his spear: 'My spear is extremely sharp; it can pierce anything solid.' A passerby asked him, 'What would happen if you tried to pierce your own shield with your spear?' The man didn't know how to answer. So he walked up to the passerby and killed him with his spear, saying, 'It's just you who talks too much.' (Both the spear and shield got unexpectedly implicated)
'A friend of mine broke up a few days ago. After my guidance, he finally got over it and just jumped from the 15th floor.'
Nowadays, some girls flirt with men all day on WeChat and Weibo, chatting flirtatiously, meeting in person and going to hotels after a few messages, treating relationships lightly and having no self-respect. To girls like this, I just want to say four words: please contact me.
When telling someone bad news, it's best to start with a little joke to lighten the mood, for example: 'Hey, do you know the biggest thing Jesus and Buddha have in common?' 'Hmm... they are both gods?' 'No, their hair is naturally curly, hahaha.' 'Hahaha...' 'Oh by the way, I accidentally ran over your two-year-old son while reversing the car.'
Every day is spent between 'Damn, so tired!' and 'Damn, so hungry!'
If you speak seriously in a post, then you deserve to die. Hasn't this messed-up society allowed you to be serious enough?
When you're misunderstood by others, don't rush to explain, because explanations usually don't work.At this point, you should calm down and go to the neighboring supermarket to buy a 2.2-meter long knife and stab him to death. Being single doesn't mean no one loves you, everyone. Being single means everyone damn hates you. I can't sleep every day because I'm afraid someone will covet my looks, climb onto my balcony in the middle of the night, and rape me. I'm always worried that the TV and washing machine at home might elope without me noticing. If that's the case... My fridge will be very sad, and I won't have popsicles to eat. Do you understand my sadness? In senior year, 'I was causing trouble in class, and the teacher went over to pull that classmate to get him out.' Another foolish classmate stood up and stopped the teacher, saying: 'Forget it.' 'Give me some face.' The teacher said: Get lost! I asked Yanzi why she came, and she said: You're out of tune, idiot. I just saw a newspaper report about a 14-year-old girl who bet she could have sex with 100 men in a year. What is going on in this society! It really makes me feel sad! She's still a kid, and she's gambling! I went to the park and wanted to play on the swing in front, so I walked over and discussed it with the child who was playing. I said, "Kid, are you alone?" The child looked at me and nodded, so I smiled and said to him, "Then let me play, or I'll beat you to death." "Girl, do you like men who are tall, handsome, have a sense of humor, have a house, a car, a career, mature and steady, sometimes gentle, sometimes unserious, and love you to death?" "Yeah, that's right." "Serves you right to be single!" "Went to the bathroom with a classmate, felt comfortable, forgot to bring tissues, so I told them, 'What brand of tissues are yours?' 'Qingfeng's.' Bring it to me. Then, when you get back to class, your classmates want to challenge me one-on-one. Actually, sometimes you can turn off your phone, log out of social media, and don't log into Weibo. Enjoy this peace, and open it up a few days later. You'll find that then. Root! Ben! No! People! Link! Department! If you run into those people who suddenly sing loudly for no reason, you must treat them well. Damn, they're all crazy. Yesterday, I ran into a beautiful woman on the street. Well, she's actually not beautiful. Uh... Alright, she's not a woman... Well, she's not even human... I'm overthinking again, no!I think I've been lonely too long and have fallen ill. When I'm bored, I talk to myself. Of course, I have to be a bit careful, because if I'm not, I might start arguing with myself. I still can't forget the scene last summer when I fought with myself.

The puppy said to the kitten: "Guess how many candies I have in my pocket?" The kitten said: "If I guess correctly, will you give them to me?" The puppy nodded: "Yes, if you guess correctly, I'll give you both candies!" The kitten swallowed and said: "I guess five!" Then, the puppy laughed and put the candies in the kitten's hand, saying: "I still owe you three." —This is not a low-IQ joke, but because of love, small greed is allowed. The kitten ate two candies laced with a sedative, and then was...

A friend met a girl and pursued her for months. After just one sexual encounter, he cut off contact. The reason was simple: the way she called out during sex was too intoxicating—not just moaning, but with a strong accent: "Oh my dear... oh my dear!" At that moment, he lost his erection.

Posting online easily exposes personal information. For example, each time I post, I reveal the undeniable fact that I'm too smart.

From the first time I saw your girlfriend, I had already decided you were my brother.

I briefly saw someone from a distance who looked really handsome. When I got closer... damn it, it was just a mirror. I immediately smashed the mirror. Wow, someone this handsome exists, and seeing it makes me feel inferior.

A man was adventuring alone in a forest and found himself surrounded by cannibals. He shouted to the sky: "I'm doomed, God, save me!" A voice from the sky said: "Not necessarily. Pick up the big stone on the ground and smash the chief leading them." So he picked up a stone and hit the chief hard, killing him. The tribesmen were stunned and then glared at him. At that moment, God said: "Now you're really doomed."

A true friend is when he says to you, "I don't want to live anymore," you immediately knock him unconscious with a stick, tie him to a chair, stuff a sock in his mouth to prevent him from biting his tongue, and lock him in a bedroom for seven days and nights until he gives up the idea of dying.

Research shows that the order of Chinese characters doesn't necessarily affect reading! Evidence proves that you might only realize the sentence is jumbled after reading this whole sentence.—Damn, damn. I have a serious question for everyone: My girlfriend has been lying to me lately. She always goes out with others at night, takes a taxi home late, and doesn't even drive to the door. I peeked at her phone, and she flew into a rage. One night when she went out, I was riding my motorcycle and hiding around a street corner, waiting to see who would pick her up. Then I found the motorcycle was leaking oil. May I ask, I just bought this bike a year ago—is there warranty coverage for this leak? Someone asked me why my joke was so funny. I said: Because of your support~~ Well, actually, no one asked like that, but I already had the answer ready. Why aren't you asking yet?

If your girlfriend and 1 million could only choose one from the others, how long do you think you'd pretend to think?

When you think the person you like also likes you, usually you're overthinking it.

"Young man, how do you get to Hongqi Square?" "Once again, someone called out to ask for directions. In the past, I would have pointed in the opposite direction and told him, then smugly felt like I had pranked someone, but now I haven't. Maybe I've passed my childish years, so I patiently told him: "Ahead are two traffic lights, turn left at the second intersection, and after another 50 meters, you'll see a pedestrian street...... That street is crowded, ask them how to get there. "It's not that I'm uneducated. When excitement, joy, comfort, comfort, happiness, delight, pleasure, refreshment, great joy, ecstasy, melancholy, trouble, joy, joy, full of gratitude, joy, excitement, passiveness, loss, conflict, pain, hope, peace, determination, hesitation, melancholy, trouble, happiness, loss, fear, hesitation, sadness, despair, filth, melancholy—when all can be summed up with the word 'operate', why bother with so much talk!" There are so many idiots in this world, and there will always be people secretly slandering you, attacking you, hurting you, insulting you, scheming you in the back, stabbing you in the back. The best way is to go with the flow. When the dog is hungry, let it bark and you can't hear it. If the idiot deserves a beating, let it find something to play with. You can't see it. No matter what happens, pretending not to hear is the best way. Don't care about anything. You'll get angry just because you care too much. Just focus on being yourself. If you really can't hold back, just stab him to death. Life is a B. Heading north is an NB, going south is SB.

I was just sleeping and suddenly noticed someone tugging at my blanket. I kicked her off the bed. Ghosts are getting bolder and bolder, fighting me for the blanket."Wife... let's..." "Shh... I'm watching TV! Don't interrupt!" "Okay~? No problem!"...\ Women are like eggs, hard on the outside, pure on the inside, but secretly a little naughty! Men are like mangoes, yellow on the outside, and ~~~~~~~ even more yellow inside!\ Nowadays, even the phrase 'don't interrupt' is unbearable to look at...\ Actually, when two people get married and consider having children, it's enough if only one of them is beautiful; having both beautiful can be a problem. As the saying goes, 'Dragon begets dragon, phoenix begets phoenix; dragon and phoenix, then comes harmony.'\ Once there was a queen who asked the magic mirror who was the most beautiful person in the world. The mirror said it was Snow White, whose hair was as black as ebony and skin as white as snow. The queen, furious, ordered the hunter to kill the princess. The princess escaped into the forest and lived with seven dwarfs. The queen, unwilling to give up, tried to kill her twice more but failed. Finally, she gave the princess an apple, and the princess became obsessed with scrolling Weibo, her values destroyed, and turned into a scruffy guy.\ Some time ago, I received a text from someone: 'Hi, friends, I've changed my number, this is my new one!' But they left no name... Several months have passed, and I still don't know who this idiot is.\ We are all making the same mistake: quarreling with the ones we like, confiding to strangers.\ I've been staying up late and can't sleep. Someone said if you put a mango by your pillow, you'll sleep well. So last night at one a.m., I ate that mango—so damn delicious!\ Ever since the news about the handsome Emirati guy being deported for being too handsome aired, I haven't been able to eat or sleep. Turns out being handsome is wrong and a crime. I'm so scared! I'm so scared that in the future I might be deported for being too handsome and causing turmoil. I'm too handsome to bear! How can I be this handsome? What should I do? Should I self-harm or ruin my looks? I'm terrified! I'm really scared!!!\ Treat your wife like a princess, and you are a prince. Treat your wife like a queen, and you are an emperor. Treat your wife like a maid, and you are security. Treat your wife like a servant, and you are a eunuch... Guys, how do you treat your wives?\ Is there someone who, whenever they update their status, makes you want to say... idiot?\ I want to ask everyone: for the dead skin on your lips, do you usually bite it off with your teeth or peel it off with your fingers?After tearing it, should you swallow it or spit it out? Please answer seriously, this is a statistical question about the behavior of all humanity.
A good girl is either naive or stubborn.
You never know how someone who dislikes you will remix you and let strangers hear it.
This morning I bought soy milk and buns, eating while walking. A trendy guy walked towards me, wearing earphones and singing, 'My dad just got him killed.' I watched him smile, and he watched me, still singing, 'Sala hey, soy milk sa-la hey!' I was surprised, 'Wow, this guy is quite talented, he even changes lyrics!' Soon, I felt my leg getting warm, then very hot! I looked down—damn it, the soy milk had spilled all over my pants....
Be a person with self-identity, not conforming, not compromising, not blindly following. Buy a front-row concert ticket and shout with your voice: 'Will everyone know the next song?' 'No!!'; 'Friends on this side, can I borrow your hands?' 'No!!!'; 'He said in wind and rain, this pain is nothing, wipe your tears, don't ask why.' 'Why!!!'
Only when you are at your most lost, failed, and helpless will you know who is a friend, who is a dog, who is an animal, who is human!
Everyone says a line from "A Chinese Odyssey," I'll go first: Boss, I've been blind all my life, my best judgment is just following you, boss...
If a man only has one yuan but is willing to spend ninety cents on you, he is a poor guy who values loyalty and affection.
Once at a party, one friend asked a foreign friend: 'Abroad, why don't you take children to KFC or McDonald's for their birthdays?' The foreign friend asked back: 'In China, would you take kids to Sha County Restaurant for their birthday?' =_=
"Without a word" is a very cool phrase. For example: I say I have no money, and without a word, you take out one million and throw it in my face.
If one day I change my Weibo to my real name, update my photo to my real appearance, make my signature positive, and erase everything I said before, it probably means I want to start over or my mom is watching me.
A woman was buying socks at a street stall, and a sanitary pad dropped out from her skirt. It was extremely awkward. She hurriedly picked it up and tucked it into her armpit, and the stall owner saw it. The stall owner angrily said: 'If you stole my socks, take them out quickly.' The woman said she didn't take any, and a quarrel started.Vendor: Bring it out happily! The woman got angry, grabbed a sanitary pad, and threw it at the vendor's head. 'Damn you, here you go.' The vendor touched his head: 'Holy crap, you've made my head bleed...'
Went downstairs to buy instant noodles, saw a non-mainstream couple with eight different hair colors arguing. After arguing, the woman wanted to leave. 'You say you're leaving, then leave.' She also pulled the guy along. The guy pulled her back, saying the usual phrase that made me twitch until now, 'Didn't we agree to always be each other's angel?' I really... god knows how much I wanted to shove the instant noodles in their faces.
'Your Majesty, you're wrong! I really didn't steal your treasure, Your Majesty, I am truly loyal to you, Your Majesty. Please see through the matter and spare me, Your Majesty.' 'Enough nonsense, drag him out and behead him.' 'Your Majesty, damn you and your whole family, may you die miserably.'
When I was a kid, my mom took me to a tailor shop. I saw an electric iron on the table, and she told me not to touch it. So, I went and licked it a little bit.
Do you often have trouble poking a yogurt straw through when it bends? Here's a little trick: calmly take the straw out, play with it in your hand for a bit, don't look at the yogurt, act as if nothing happened, then jab it quickly when it's not paying attention!
In English class, the teacher asked students to converse in English. The students were very obedient and followed the teacher's instructions. Near the end of class, one student couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing. At this moment, another student stood up and said to the teacher, 'Teacher, she laughed in Chinese!'
A cinema manager often went to a restaurant to eat. Every time after eating, he didn't pay but used a few movie tickets to settle the bill. One day, he went to the restaurant and ordered scrambled eggs. But the restaurant owner said there were no eggs for now. The manager shouted, 'How can there be no eggs?' The owner said, 'The chickens went to watch a movie, how would they have time to lay eggs!'
I have a friend nicknamed Watermelon, who lives on the fifth floor of a particular building. One day, I went to play basketball with him. It was hot that day, and I was too lazy to go upstairs to find him, so I stood under his building and shouted, 'Watermelon, Watermelon.' Just as I said that, an aunt from the second floor opened her window and asked, 'How much per pound?'
Once in high school, we had a urine test. Each person got a plastic cup and was told to collect some in the bathroom. One guy finished peeing and walked out, then halfway through cursed, 'Damn, I forgot to catch it!'"Some people say that in this London Olympics, China is like Zhen Huan, always enduring humiliation but still holding an undeniable position, envied and resented by all. The United States is like the flamboyant Huafei, currently very proud, but actually their household is already in decline. Britain, on the other hand, is like the Empress, outwardly friendly and harmless, but actually the most scheming. An Lingrong is definitely South Korea! If one's strength is inferior…"