(First share this one, it's fun)\I can assure you that the person on the 12th floor is a girl, although she has been pretending to be a man, I still saw through it. Why? Because the floor below the 12th is 13.\1. A female player posted on the forum asking: 'For Singles' Day, I want to confess to the guy I like, what gift should I give?'\Divine reply: First Blood (for those who don't get it, google it)\2. [Rainbow] Someone asked: What triggered the May Fourth Movement?\Divine reply: May Day only gives three days off....\3. Woke up in the morning and saw a comment, the original text was like this:\First floor: Everyone calm down, come here and listen to what the 5th floor has to say?! ~\Second floor: I think the 5th floor is very reasonable.\Third floor: The 5th floor spoke for the people.\Fourth floor: The 5th floor indeed did very well!\Fifth floor: Everyone above is an idiot\4. Today I saw a friend's signature: need just Word, Word has Word. I didn't understand, so I humbly asked.\She gave me a god-level reply: What's yours is mine, what's mine is still mine...\6. Someone said to you: 'I bought a watch last year!'\Divine reply: 'What watch (idiot)?'\See something new? Let me tell you, the correct answer is: I told you to buy it (WRNMD)\7. Magistrate Bao: Zhan Zhao! Later, act according to my expressions!\Zhan Zhao: Sir! Don't mess with me.\8. The plural of Boy is?\Divine reply: Gay.\9. Asked: 'Why did Yang Guo jump off the cliff?'\Divine reply: 'Dad is Kang!'\11. Netizen complains: Other people's kids can already buy toilet paper, my kid is still on toilet paper.\Netizen reply: Other people's wives get angry, your wife still needs to be inflated.\10. I think you'll be famous today. The comrade lying on the grass said to Qiu Shaoyun.\12. [Rainbow] Question: What's more disgusting than eating a pile of poop?\Divine reply: Eating two piles;\13. There was a very popular status: On the bus, an elementary school student held his winter holiday homework book and said to his mother: Mom, I have too much winter homework! Then his mom tore up the homework and threw it out the window, and gracefully instructed her son: If the teacher asks, just say mom and dad fought, and mom tore up the homework! Having a mom like this is the dream for many students!\Top reply: The elementary school student was stunned... It took a long time to spit out three words, 'Just finished.'\14. Asked: 'Why does CCTV always show clips of sorting theirs out after the news ends?'神 Replies:
“To tell you, when we brag, we actually draft it first!”
15. A very popular post roughly said that the blogger, while buying strawberries, used their own iPhone 4s to check the scale, proving that the vendor's scale was overweighing, and even provided a guide for checking scales with phones: iPhone 4 weighs 137g, iPhone 4s 140g, Samsung Galaxy SⅢ 133g, Xiaomi 2 145g, iPhone 5 112g.
神 Reply: I tried it yesterday... I just threw my Nokia onto the vendor's electronic scale. Afterwards, I ended up compensating him with an electronic scale.
23. Someone posted: Look at my avatar, is it awesome?
神 Reply: Yes.
25. I have an American friend who knows a lot about China. Today, he changed his QQ signature to 'you don't know love far\high'. I guessed maybe he had a heartbreak, thinking the other person did not understand the meaning of love well enough. So I asked him what it actually meant.
神 Reply: ‘Fahai, you don't understand love.'
28. Question: Late at night, if a villain held a knife to your neck and said, 'You have one minute. You can call anyone except your parents to come pick you up. Don't say anything extra. If they agree to come, I'll let you go. If they refuse, I'll kill you.' Who would you call?
Netizens' 神 Reply: 'Hello, I want 1 Big Mac, 1 McNuggets, 1 large fries, 1 Coke.'
30. Today I just learned that another cute name for 'sanitary pads' is 'mei zi (妹纸, girl)'.
神 Reply: Regular name: Daiso band-aid; Cute name: Mei Zi; Artistic name: Scripture Pavilion; 2B style name: Japanese flag
32. Someone posted 'What was the saddest line you learned in school textbooks?' Many people mentioned '庭有枇杷树,吾妻死时所植,今已亭亭如盖矣' (There is a loquat tree in the courtyard, planted when my wife died, now it stands tall and magnificent), others mentioned Memorandum to the Emperor, Ballad of Mulan, Ten Years of Life and Death, Alley of Rain, etc.
The most divine reply: 'Recite the full text.'
33. OP: Damn barbershop ruined my hair! Everyone give some destructive ideas, the more destructive the better, and with as little noise as possible, because I'm going alone.
神 Reply: In the dead of night, dark and windy, quietly, softly, hang yourself in front of the barbershop alone.
35. Some netizens once complained about Li Yundi fans: Damn, do you think a piano master needs fans who hold light signs and shout at concerts, and when the idol shouts something on stage, you shout along below with them?Are you going to have Li Yundi suddenly tell the audience while playing, 'Let's all play together!!!!! Let's all play together!!!!
Witty reply: The friend behind lifts the piano!!
36. Why does plucking one white hair make ten grow?
Witty reply: Because the black-haired people nearby turned pale with fear when they saw their loved ones being pulled out at the root... \39. Bajie said, "Senior brother, you should go to the hospital quickly. I heard the hospital has a special department for you." "
Wukong:" Oh? What department? "You idiot monkey department!"
40. I hate Qin Shi Huang; he burned books but didn't finish them. \42. Don't fear godlike opponents, but fear teammates like rogue rabbits.
43. Xiaoming received an anonymous letter containing the following: __Water, __Wind, __Smoke, __Award, __Check, __Take, __Empty, __Signature. He spent a long time unable to understand its meaning, so he had to seek help from a senior in the literature department. After reading it, the senior said seriously: Have you offended someone recently? Be careful. He looked puzzled: Why? Senior Brother said: Obviously, this letter is about you...... Sentences that 90% of Chinese people can't read normally ...... can't read:
NO.01 Sister, sit at the bow of the boat, brother I'll walk from the shore.
NO.02 The king called me to patrol the mountain!
NO.03 Search, search, find friends!
NO.04 You are the most beautiful cloud on my horizon, let me keep you with my heart
40. The original poster's surname is Yuan, just had a child, wants to name the child, asking netizens to come up with a good name.
Witty reply from below: Yuan Fang, what do you think?
There are two father and son who really love playing World of Warcraft. One day, the teacher called his son over the parents and said: Your son's grades have been dropping recently, so your parents need to strengthen supervision of his studies. The child's father went home and told the child: If your mother doesn't do well in school, I'll deduct your DKP points. If you fail the final exams, I'll kick you out of the guild. The child said: Dad, I was wrong. I'm going to study hard right now. Please don't kick me!! Sitting in the front row of me were two idiots. This morning, I overheard them discussing who their ancestors were... A friend surnamed Li proudly said, "My ancestor is Li Shimin!" Another friend surnamed Tang was even prouder and more confident, saying, "My ancestor is Emperor Taizong of Tang!" …… Emperor Taizong of Tang...... Emperor Taizong of Tang? …… I was instantly amazed—could Emperor Taizong and Li Shimin really be two different people???
\If you say, "I bought a watch last year," others reply, "What (S) form (B)?"You can reply to him with 'Stopwatch (M) Table (B),' and if he probes further with 'F*** your mom? (Roll G your N mom M D),' you can then reply with 'How could it be yours~ (You N milk N milk N D).' At this point, he will definitely end this friendly conversation with 'Moved (Roll G D).'
English exams given to Chinese people are very boring, and Chinese exams for foreigners are equally uninteresting.
It is said that a Chinese listening comprehension test question goes like this: 'The wool sweaters are on big sale! Each one is 10 yuan, all 10 yuan, everything is 10 yuan!'
Question: 'What costs 10 yuan?'
A. Each one; B. All; C. Everything; D. Wool sweater
Original poster: When you were a child, did you ever imagine what kind of scene would let you steal the show in front of everyone when you grew up?
Reply: Carry a bucket of manure onto the street, and throw a ladle at anyone who annoys you!
Today I went to the store to buy something to eat. My dormmate asked me to bring back some food, so I asked him what he wanted. That guy said: Anything, preferably something salty! So I went straight to the small store and looked around, not knowing what to buy. In the end, I just brought him a bag of salt. I can still vaguely see the twitch on his mouth!
Group Owner, you're finally online. The inflatable doll you bought yesterday has been shipped, but the Fan Bingbing version you ordered online is out of stock, so we sent you the Feng Jie version instead. Rest assured about the quality. The price is 40% off, with SF Express as the delivery, and dear, remember to leave a good review.
A professor was teaching in the field: 'Scientific research should not fear getting dirty...' Then he squatted, poked some cow dung on the ground with his finger, and put his finger in his mouth to lick it clean. A student quickly said: 'I am not afraid of dirt...' Then he also poked some cow dung with his finger and licked it clean. Professor: 'Also, doing scientific research requires good observation. I just used my middle finger to poke the dung, but I licked it with my index finger.'
When I handed a lottery ticket that won five million to the lottery center staff, everyone immediately looked at me with envy! Then I took out a second ticket, also five million, and everyone was stunned! When I took out the third ticket, even the air stopped moving! ... As I was about to take out the fourth ticket, my wife kicked me awake, complaining: 'You can't even sleep peacefully, tearing the book into pieces.'
Someone went to a wedding banquet. Suddenly there was a power outage. Worried that others might sneak some dishes, he suggested everyone clap and sing.Just as we were clapping, the power suddenly went out. Everyone looked and saw someone holding a dish in one hand while slapping himself with the other.\When heaven is about to confer a great responsibility on a person, it first steals their QQ, blocks their Weibo, takes their computer, and snatches their phone, so that they focus on studying and can avoid failing!!!\A group of people were chatting.\A said: The fog is too thick. I went out to walk the dog, and when I came back, dang! I ended up taking someone else's dog home.\B said: Yeah, today I picked up my kid from school, and I ended up bringing someone else's son back...\C shouted 'uh-oh' and rushed out.\D said: His wife went shopping for clothes today and still hasn't returned…\Three friends went out to play and saw an advertisement for a treatment for sexually transmitted diseases on a street utility pole. It reminded them of a prank game, so they decided to play a game of Dou Di Zhu. Whoever lost would hug the utility pole and shout: 'Heaven! My illness can finally be cured!'\In the first round, A lost and had no choice but to hug the pole and shout loudly: 'Heaven! My illness can finally be cured!'\In the second round, B lost. Seeing that A had already shouted, he had no choice but to follow suit.\In the third round, unfortunately, C lost. He hugged the pole and shouted loudly: 'Heaven! Our illness can finally be cured!'\In the morning, I accidentally poured a cup of water into my computer; the screen flickered and froze immediately. I took it to repair, and the motherboard burned out, costing six hundred bucks. When I came back, I saw half a cup of water left, so I thought: Can't waste it, after all, it's six hundred bucks! So I cooked two dishes and used them as Wuliangye to drink.\A foreigner tied his iPhone 4 onto his cat and turned on the camera.\The camera recorded the whole day from the cat's perspective.\A Chinese friend saw the video and thought it was interesting, so he tied his own iPhone 4 on his cat…\In the end, both the iPhone 4 and the cat disappeared.\An elderly gentleman came to a pharmacy and said to the clerk: 'Give me a dose of laxative.' The clerk handed him the laxative.\'Is it fast-acting?' the gentleman asked.\'Very fast! Look at the toilet across the street. It's exactly fifty steps away. If you take it now and run to the toilet, it will definitely work!'\After a while, the elderly gentleman returned with a worried look.\The clerk asked: 'Would you like another dose, sir?'"No, I came to tell you that you underestimated the distance to the toilet by at least two steps.\Notice: According to reliable sources, Santa Claus fell on his way to China to restock, and no one has dared to help him until now. Christmas is canceled this year, please inform each other.\There was a farmer in the village, honest and kind, but as timid as a mouse.\He was often bullied by others in the village, even children bullied him.\One day, someone in the village was holding a wedding celebration, and he was there drinking as well.\For some reason, a child kept spitting on his clothes.\He finally went crazy: 'If you dare provoke me again, I... I will write your name on my underwear and fart you to death.'\Principal Chen from Wanning City, Hainan, rented a room with six elementary school girls. After this incident was exposed, Principal Chen's wife angrily asked him what was going on and demanded a divorce. Principal Chen quickly consoled her: 'That's all made up by the media, don't believe it.' His wife sneered: 'Haha, who are you trying to fool? Do you think I'm a five-year-old?' Principal Chen suddenly smiled and said: 'I wish you were.'\Late at night, I went downstairs to the convenience store to buy two tea eggs, intentionally left one on the counter, and the little girl called out to me: 'Sir, your egg!' I turned and smiled: 'No, it's your egg.' She raised her hand and threw it at me: 'Stop joking, get lost.' Indeed, not everything bought in a convenience store can be acted cute with...\Qiao Feng patted the old monk on the shoulder and said: 'I can't let go of some things, I can't let go of some people.' The old monk said: 'Can you go a little easier? You've practiced the Eighteen Dragon-Subduing Palms, and you're about to kill me with your pat.' Qiao Feng slapped his forehead and said: 'Oh right, I almost forgot!' Qiao Feng, deceased. Cause of death: concussion.\When I was in school, once I was on the bus with a classmate, his phone rang... He shouted to me, 'Damn, it's sure that bastard again, comes to me when he has no money.' Then he took out his phone: 'Hey, Dad...' and continued: 'Yes, yes, I have no money, can you send me some...' The whole bus couldn't hold back laughter...\In costume dramas, there are often two highly skilled martial heroes who compete, evenly matched, then turn enemies into friends. After drinking together and sleeping side by side, they become bosom friends, secretly harboring feelings for each other. But they know this love is not allowed, so they can only leave each other and gradually loosen their feelings. When saying goodbye, they clasp their fists and sincerely say: 'Regret having a wife!'"My daughter is only a little over 1 year old. This morning, her finger accidentally got caught in the door, and she sat on the floor crying loudly. My silly wife, in a moment of recklessness, put her own finger in the door gap to 'test how painful it was.' The result is now the two of them are hugging there crying together...\Those who don't reply to this post will get 20 big mosquito bites tomorrow.
Question: What's the longest stun skill in Dota? Divine reply: Girlfriend's phone call.
Life has been a bit tight recently. Yesterday, I borrowed 20,000 yuan from friends by pooling together, and today I spent it all. Helplessly, I had to change my QQ status to 'My account was hacked. Do not believe anyone asking to borrow money!'
A parent asked the teacher: 'How did my son do in history? When I was in school, I didn't like this subject, and I always failed the exams.' The teacher replied: 'History repeats itself.'
I found a job putting up small ads on street poles, earning 200 yuan a day. But it wasn't enough, so I found another job at a cleaning company to tear down ads... now I earn 400 yuan a day, and I don't even have to go out...
I'm an IT guy. Tonight I went shopping at a supermarket and saw a beggar who held out his hand saying: 'Boss, give me some money.' I said: 'I'm not the boss, I have no money.' He said: 'Even one yuan fifty cents is fine.' I got really angry and shouted at him: 'I earn 2,600 yuan a month, work 31 days with no rest, on call 24 hours, which means I earn 2,600 yuan in 44,640 minutes. That's 0.058 yuan per minute, less than 6 cents a minute. And you're asking me for 1 yuan? It only takes you 15.7 seconds to say 13 characters, but I need 1,030 seconds to earn 1 yuan. The number of my dead brain cells is astronomical. And you dare ask me for money?!' The beggar heard this and gave me 2 yuan, and I immediately burst into tears~
A few losers went on a fall outing. On the bus, the ticket collector asked: 'Where are you from and where are you going?' They humorously replied in unison: 'We come from the Great Tang in the East and are going to the West to fetch Buddhist scriptures...' Everyone on the bus laughed. The collector replied: 'Masters, you got on the wrong bus. This bus is heading southeast. Those going west should go to the opposite side!' One of them said: 'Then let's first go to the South Sea to see Sister Guanyin...'
1. I heard a series of urgent knocks at the door. 2. I woke up. 3. I opened the door and saw you standing outside. 4. You said you missed me and gave me a strong hug. Actually, the correct order is 1, 3, 4, 2.
Attending a childhood friend's wedding, the host livens up the atmosphere. He asked the groom to describe the bride's beauty in three words. At first, the groom said she had elegance and charm, but the host said it was too ordinary and unoriginal. After thinking for a moment, the groom squeezed out three words: I got hard. At that moment, the scene was filled with coughing from choking on alcohol.
A buddy shared his feelings today: That girl this morning, sincerely thank you!! If you hadn't walked ahead of me, I'd have stepped on that dog poop... The wife told her husband: The place where you hid your secret money was not challenging at all, you found it in no time. So boring, I used the money to buy groceries. The husband flew over to the place where the money was hidden, rummaged through it, and laughed: Look, it's still there! Wife roars: You really dare to hide secret money! I'm tired of living!
Dear mobile client: Your semen balance is less than 20 milligrams. To ensure your sex life is normal, please go to the lust room to refill your juices promptly to avoid inconvenience caused by a sudden pause at critical moments. Thank you for your cooperation~~ Chinese Auntie Cave.
【What defeats you isn't naivety, it's the lack of shoes......] One evening, a foul stench woke a woman from Henan named Wang, who was sound asleep. She got up and saw that her home had been burglarized! Because the stench was strong, Wang judged the thief hadn't left long and called the neighbors to catch the thief. Sure enough, the thief was caught before leaving the hallway. The thief was named Gao, usually lazy and not washing his feet once every few days. During this theft, he was afraid of alerting the homeowner and took off his shoes, but unexpectedly, the smell of his feet woke him up. We knew they were lying, they knew they were lying, they knew we were lying, they knew we were lying, and we knew we knew they were lying. But they kept lying. "Hehe" We don't understand the world of foodies! While shopping with a foodie friend, this guy suddenly shouted "I'm hungry," rushed straight into the store, and shouted, "Boss, do you have any expired country boy chicken legs?" "Come on, two." I was stunned and quickly asked, "Why do they want to expire?" "Why? Do you get it? I have a birthday for LP, and I really want her to be happy. I carefully planned all day, bought her new shoes, went out for over 300 yuan in Western food, spent the night in Houhai, and when I got home, I opened QQ and saw her signed update, saying: "Boring day, go to sleep..." ”
