Jokes you couldn't possibly have seen them all

"'Are you asleep?' 'Yes.' 'Silly, why would you still reply to my messages if you were asleep?' 'I am his boyfriend.'—What a painfully deep realization.
A child gave me 100 yuan and asked me to act as his parent. When we reached his homeroom teacher, I immediately knelt down: 'Honey, let me explain...'.
Girl, when I tell you dirty jokes, it's because I want to see you blush, I'm teasing you! Not because I want you to tell me an even dirtier one! Please show some respect for the rogue profession, okay!
Saw in a newspaper: 'Hehe, this word has only one use: to maximally provoke someone, trample all their enthusiasm, shred their soul, with unparalleled effect, irreplaceable.'
'I'm going to have a grandchild!' 'Congrats!' Then my buddy gave me a hug! Damn, what a new low skill!
There are only two reasons stopping me from achieving success: 1. I get sleepy after I'm full. 2. I get hungry when I wake up.
Saw two kids arguing, A said to B: 'Do you believe I'll hit your dad?' B said: 'No.' Then A decisively slapped themselves twice and walked away, leaving B standing alone, confused in the wind…
In the dorm, a girl recently got obsessed with singing her self-made 'Lupin Flower': 'The stars in the sky don't talk, the creatures on the ground go ribbit~~,' and then inserted our names into the song... One day, she started singing again. Just as she sang 'the stars in the sky,' I swiftly and boldly interjected: 'They are referring to the Big Dipper!' The girl was choked up, probably still trying to figure out the tune…
Looking for a motivational slogan filled with positive energy to encourage students preparing for the college entrance exam. Divine response: 'This is the last time your brain will be useful, after this, everything depends on your face.'
They are seven talented and wise sages, living a relaxed life in a paradise removed from the world, indulging, laughing, and enjoying themselves. Whenever people mention them, they always think of a kind of plant, which represents the upright character of this group. They do not flatter the mundane world but confront the dark society with a carefree attitude.Their voices have already become the final echoes of that era, still lingering in our ears, never fading away... "Huluwa, Huluwa, seven flowers on one vine, not afraid of wind and rain, la la la."
I remember when I was in middle school, the teacher asked me to match couplets. The teacher gave the first line: Big fish eat small fish, small fish eat shrimp, shrimp eat sand, underwater world. I replied with the second line: Teacher oppresses the head teacher's wife, head teacher's wife oppresses the bed, bed oppresses the ground, the earth shakes the mountains...
In the study room, because exams were coming, it was packed. A friend finally found an empty seat and just sat down; next to it was a girl. That guy then started talking to her non-stop: Hey, which department are you from? How old are you? After a while, the girl finally got impatient, threw out a sentence: Are you sick? and left. Just as I was secretly mocking him for getting cold treatment despite his enthusiasm, he calmly took out his phone and dialed a number: Hello? Honey, the seat has been taken, yes, yes, next to me, come quickly. At that moment, I was shocked!
Cured a leg-disabled beggar \ I am a doctor. \ Today I saw a beggar with a leg disability on the street and wanted to see if I could cure him. \ So I picked up the bowl in front of him and ran away. \ Just like that, I cured him!
A woman feels discomfort in her genital area and invites a friend to accompany her to the hospital for a check-up ---- syphilis! The friend screamed in fright: Oh my God, you haven't had sex with your husband in this period, right? The woman said gloomily: He's been coming home late these days and goes straight to sleep! GC came, and the friend patted her chest: Good, now I'm relieved... relieved...
There was a traffic police officer who liked a girl but didn't dare to confess. When his colleagues found out, they decided to help him take the first step. They took him to a street corner to wait. When the girl showed up, he mustered his courage and stopped her, loudly saying, 'Miss, please come with me to the police station.'
A friend has a little boy at home, 4 and a half years old, who has a habit of bed-wetting. One time, after he peed, his mom was really mad and spanked him on the butt. The next day, he peed again, and the child ran to the drawer, took some scissors, and tried to pinch his little JJ to do it himself. His mom was terrified and snatched the scissors, asking what he wanted to do. The child cried and said: Keeping it isn't right, sooner or later it will cause trouble; it's better to cut it!
I found that Wu Xiaoming in our company is really boring. He actually spent more than an hour playing Minesweeper after work! Truly bored to the extreme! Is there anyone more boring than him!After speaking, I rubbed my eyes and continued watching Wu Xiaoming in the surveillance footage.
A reporter interviewed a veteran: I heard that back then you were captured by the enemy, and they beat you with fists and kicks for two hours, yet you stood firm and didn't bow to them. How did you manage it? The veteran, after hearing this, cried: They tied me to a tree and beat me!
Yesterday, my dad invited my boyfriend over for dinner. He came early, and dinner wasn't ready yet, so he was in the room using the air conditioner. I was sitting on the floor doing cross-stitch. My younger brother and he were lying on my bed playing a mobile football game. Then I heard my brother shout: ‘Wow, bro, shoot! Bro, you're amazing! Wow, bro, that was a long shot!!' I looked up at my boyfriend, and seeing his face of mixed laughter and disbelief, I shamefully laughed.
I have a dog. Since the day I bought it, whenever I have free time, I train it to pick up money dropped on the ground. Now, it finally pays off. Every time I let it out, most of the time, it brings back some money. The money it brings back now not only covers its monthly living expenses, but also helps me with household expenses.
I am a man married for three years and don't understand romance. Yesterday, for my wife's birthday, I wanted to surprise her, so I spent a little of my private money to buy her a necklace. The moment I took out the necklace, she hugged me tightly; it was quite a romantic scene. About ten seconds later, she said something destructive: Where did you get the money to buy the necklace……
“Dad, what's wrong with my boyfriend? Although he doesn't have a car or a house now, he has an ambitious heart. As for height or looks, those are just superficial, I don't care! I hope you can accept us……” “Son, stop talking, let's eat……
At a school, a boy shouted in the dormitory: ‘×××, I love you!' The girls in the opposite dorm were envious, wondering whose boyfriend was so romantic. Suddenly, another guy shouted: ‘Who just shouted brother's name?' The whole place fell silent……
Once, my wife's friend was in a public restroom, and her husband was waiting outside. To tease him, she sent a message: ‘Honey, I dropped my phone in the toilet, what should I do?' Her husband replied: ‘Is that poop texting me?'
The kid next door is again in the shower playing…with his…device. Don't ask me how I know… I bought a watch last year! Every time there is action, I loudly shout with emotion: ‘Son!!!'Not your dad doesn't want you!!!! I bought a watch again last year!!!
The Flower-Fruit Mountain collapsed, and the Jade Emperor descended to check the disaster.\The Jade Emperor asked: "How many monkeys died?"\Wukong: "All 72 holes were flooded."\The Jade Emperor: "How many monkeys died?"\Wukong: "50,000 peach trees were submerged."\The Jade Emperor: "How many monkeys died?"\Wukong: "The living monkeys have been safely relocated."\The Jade Emperor, frantic: "Exactly how many monkeys died?"\Wukong, wiping his tears hurriedly: "16 relevant leaders are currently organizing rescue…"
I really can't stand those people who scream while playing games. Once, an idiot sat next to me playing Angry Birds on an iPad, and suddenly screamed excitedly: "I have two black bombs! All of you stupid pigs die!" I was so shocked! Not just me… the other passengers on the plane that day were also scared out of their wits.
Yesterday, on the bus, I overheard two girls chatting behind me, and one suddenly said, "My anus itches." I lost my composure right away. Just as I was about to turn around to look at the girl, the other girl said, "I think cacti are easy to care for."
The day before yesterday at noon, the boss suddenly asked: Do you have a girlfriend?\I smiled awkwardly and said not yet.\The boss said seriously: "Anyway, since you don't have a girlfriend, stay late tonight to work overtime."\Today at noon, the boss asked again: Do you have a girlfriend?\I thought for a moment and said: "Haha, I just started dating one yesterday."\The boss again said seriously: "Since you already have a girlfriend, there's no need to go searching around the city, stay late tonight to work overtime."
My girlfriend was giving me oral, and I was enjoying it, and I asked her how it was. She said, the length is just right. I was proud. Then she said, theirs made me feel disgusted…
In the middle school sports relay race, the teacher repeatedly reminded the athletes to hand over the baton steadily, steadily, and steadily. So during the race… they… really… kissed.
The Jade Emperor and Buddha are arguing about who is the boss of heaven. Jade Emperor: I rule the way of heaven! Buddha: You were beaten by a monkey! Jade Emperor: I have more people under me than you! Buddha: You were beaten by a monkey! Jade Emperor: I have a wife! Buddha: You were beaten by a monkey! Jade Emperor: I went through 17,500 calamities! Buddha: You were beaten by a monkey! Jade Emperor: Can we not mention the monkey?Tathagata: Your sister (Yao Ji) was slept with by a mortal. Jade Emperor: ... Tathagata: Your daughter (Zhi Nu) was slept with by a mortal. Jade Emperor: ... Tathagata: Your niece (San Sheng Mu) was also slept with by a mortal. Jade Emperor: Let's just talk about the monkey... Tathagata: You were hit by the monkey! Jade Emperor: Damn you...
For more than ten years, Grandpa would wait by the TV every night, eagerly waiting for the broadcast of "Xinwen Lianbo". When the theme song of "Xinwen Lianbo" played at 7 PM every night, Grandpa would glance at his watch and say, 'The watch is running quite accurately.' Then he would get up and turn off the TV.
How to use Baidu to search for Japanese adult films: Open Baidu and enter the following: 'Warning: This website collects adult content from the internet worldwide. The site is maintained in the United States and protected by U.S. law.' Everything you see next is exactly what you want. This is true. Remember to upvote me.
A young woman lied about her educational background, claiming to be an undergraduate to find a boyfriend, but was dumped when her PhD identity was revealed...
I am the kind of person who holds a phone all day, without a single text message, without a single call, but still enjoys it immensely, sometimes logs into QQ to see if there are messages, never leaving the phone unattended on QQ for more than 10 minutes, sometimes checking someone else's space but never leaving messages—a rather bored person.