One day, Xiao Ming went to school. His classmates said his face looked like a butt. Xiao Ming ran out very sadly. He came to a well and leaned his head over to see if he really looked like a butt. Just as he leaned in, the workers at the bottom of the well suddenly shouted at him: 'If you dare to take a sh*t down there, you're dead!'
A woman took her dog to the vet. The doctor said: 'Your poodle...' 'Sorry,' the woman interrupted: 'Please show some respect and don't call him a "dog," he's my precious son.' The doctor asked: 'How old is your son?' 'Nine months.' 'What's wrong with your son?' 'He's been in a bad mood lately, always biting people.' 'Has your son ever received the rabies vaccine before?'
In the classroom, just after class, a chubby student sneezed three loud sneezes in a row. He exclaimed: 'Ah, three women are thinking about me at the same time!' A student behind quietly murmured: 'Your mom, your grandmother, your grandma.'
Woman: Let's break up. Man: Why? Woman: Exams are over, I don't need you fighting for spots in the library anymore. Man: Oh, but I have two Spring Festival train tickets. Woman: Annoying, I was just joking with you…
Hiding in the school bathroom smoking, I found I had no lighter. Then a middle-aged man I didn't know came over, holding a cigarette and dressed plainly. I asked him: 'Sir, can I borrow a light?' He looked at me and gave me fire. I lit my cigarette and was puffing smoke when the dean came in. Seeing the man, he said: 'Principal Wang, how do you have time to come to school today?'
During an exam, the invigilator walked up to a student. Teacher: 'What are you copying?' Student: 'I'm copying the questions.' Teacher: 'Why copy the questions?' Student: 'To prepare for the makeup exam...'
A friend asked me yesterday how to stop a dog from peeing in the house. I said: 'Just pee in every corner of your house too! Then it will know it's your territory...' Today, this idiot texted me: 'Hey, your method actually works!' (￣.￣)!
Li Bai didn't like studying as a child. One day he saw an old lady by the river trying to grind an iron rod into a needle. Li Bai laughed: 'How long will that take?' The old lady said: 'If one day isn't enough, I'll grind it for two days. If two days aren't enough, I'll grind for three. As long as you persist, you will succeed.' Li Bai felt ashamed and from then on started studying seriously.Because he deeply realized: if he doesn't study, in the future he will be as foolish as that old lady. A colleague at the company bought a cup that had 'I want a raise' printed on it. Every time there was a meeting, he would turn the cup toward the boss. Finally, one day, the boss also bought a cup, which said 'Get lost!' Yesterday, while driving back, a white Samoyed suddenly darted out from the nearby greenery. I reacted quickly and slammed on the brakes. After stopping, I found that the dog was lying on the ground motionless. I was so scared that I was covered in cold sweat. Then a man appeared and said to the dog lying on the ground, 'Stop pretending, you scared everyone.' Immediately, the adorable dog got up, looked at me disdainfully, and walked away… He liked a girl who always sat in front of him in the study room. After countless struggles, he handed her a note: 'Hello! I've noticed you for a long time. Can we be friends?' Then he went back to doing his exercises. After reading it, the girl packed up her books and came to his desk asking, 'I'm leaving. Do you want to go with me?' Then he said possibly the most classic line of his life: 'You go ahead, I still have a problem to solve!' After graduating from university, he interned at a hospital. Under the guidance of a physician, he completed a minor surgery. While reminiscing some precautions about the surgery, he walked out of the operating room with his head down. At that moment, family members came over asking about the situation. For some reason, thinking about the scenarios often shown on TV, he blurted out, 'We did everything we could…' Immediately, the family members burst into tears, and then I got punished. Damn… Doctor: Your X-ray shows your rib is fractured. Patient: Then what should I do? Doctor: Don't worry, I already fixed it for you using Photoshop… It's said that many people in a village live long lives. One day, a reporter saw an old man crying by the roadside in this village, and approached asking, 'Old man, are you long-lived?' The old man said, '95.' The reporter asked again, 'Why are you crying? Unfilial children? Financial difficulties?' The old man shook his head and said, 'I woke up late this morning, and my dad hit me!! Wuwuwu...' The reporter was silent for 5 seconds and then vomited blood and died. When looking for a girlfriend, don't have too high expectations. Someone who's beautiful and can cook— that's a beautiful rice cooker. Someone who is cute and will never grow old— that's Chibi Maruko-chan. Someone who is financially independent and revolves around you—that's your mom.Beautiful, cute, can cook, will never age, financially independent, and centered around you — that's Maruko-chan who currently wants to be a mom using a rice cooker.
Near the school, there's a knife-cut noodle shop that we often go to. One time when we went to eat noodles, we saw the owner's son, very small and cute. So I teased him: 'Do you want to eat?' He said he didn't want to. I asked why, and he said: 'Mom won't let me, it's too dirty.'
While shopping, a beggar wearing sunglasses stopped me: 'Handsome guy, please show some mercy, I'm blind.' I was about to take out my money when my wife stopped me: 'Come on, he clearly isn't blind.' I thought for a moment, pointed at my wife, and asked him: 'Is this woman pretty?' He looked at her: 'Pretty.' I laughed and said to my wife: 'Exactly, he really is blind.'
Chatting casually with a friend. My friend asked, 'At your heaviest, how much did you weigh?' I gracefully replied: '140 kg.' Then my friend asked, 'And at your lightest?' After a moment of thought, I said: 'Seven jin and nine liang.' '…'
On the bus, an uncle-like man was loudly taking a call: 'A few million worth of work is too little, given the current situation, a profit of over a billion isn't much either. How about we stock more this time, five hundred billion is fine, and I'll give you a bigger rebate.' Everyone on the bus looked at him with contempt. A young woman couldn't stand it and said: 'Big brother, you didn't take a private jet to work today?' The uncle hung up the phone and, as if realizing something, hurriedly explained: 'I print Hell money.'
Earlier on the bus, I suddenly heard the sound of a WeChat shake from behind. I suddenly had an evil thought: even with my phone on silent, I shook it, and the avatar was that guy. So I sent him a message: 'This humble Taoist divines daily. Today I predict you are on bus 9, holding a brown leather bag. Please get off immediately, or there will be a bloodshed.' Then that guy got off the bus…
