Guiding Text: That day, I forgot to put safety shorts on Teddy when we went out, and as a result, in the community garden, he got stuck butt-to-butt with a local stray dog. It took a lot of effort to separate them. I went to the pet store to ask the owner if they had contraceptive pills. The owner said no, so I took the dog to the pharmacy. I said I wanted a box of contraceptive pills, and when paying, I jokingly said, 'It's for a dog, that should be fine, right?' Instantly, I felt the owner's gaze on me changed.\
1. Went to my brother's house to play. My little niece was watching a historical drama and having a great time. When I was leaving, my niece said to me, 'Uncle, you must come often!' Kid, are you possessed? I'm your uncle!\
2. Oh no, oh no! This is the end!! I thought there was no one outside the bathroom, but when I came out, I ran into two smoking uncles who looked at me strangely! So what I just said before washing my hands with the sensor faucet, ‘Holy spirit of the water, Wendini! Please, by our oath, show your abundant power, power of rebirth, and cleanse my arms!'—they must have heard all of it! Ahhhhh!\
3. The wallpaper worker I hired at home for renovations is 27, male, Virgo. He used to be a designer, but couldn't stand the work done by wallpaper workers, so he started doing it himself and fell in love with it. His work is so meticulous that it's flawless and famous all over the city. His fees are much higher than others, but many people want to hire him because he is more demanding than the homeowners themselves. Choose the right profession, and Virgos can have their spring too.\
4. Sports can really change a person's fate. My wife followed Old Wang's advice next door and started morning running with him five years ago, and she still hasn't come back.\
5. At lunch, I ordered at a restaurant a plate of secret recipe chicken feet, a plate of grilled chicken wings, a plate of braised chicken chunks, and a plate of spicy chicken giblets. The waiter looked at me puzzled and asked, 'Why not just order a whole chicken?' I thought for a bit and said: 'You wear separate items like underwear, shirt, coat, socks, shoes, pants—why not just cover yourself with a piece of cloth?' She asked, 'Why?' I said, 'For fun! It's more fun taking them off one by one.' She blushed and said, 'You're naughty!' and went to place the order.\
6. Girl: 'I wish I had a search engine in my brain and antivirus software in my heart...' Boy replied: 'And you should have Photoshop on your face too.'\
7. One day, a group of urban management officers were chasing an old lady who was running a stall, and the old lady ran desperately… suddenly!The old lady accidentally fell, and the city management officer was stunned, then ran away like a madman.
\8. After my wife finished showering, her nose was a bit congested, so I made her a cold medicine solution. She looked at me tenderly and asked, "Honey, do you think I look like Fan Bingbing?" I was stunned for a moment and handed her the cup: "Baby, it's time for you to take your medicine!" "
\9. After finally pronouncing "quickly change into chemical suits," then came the "nephew's tearing paper," and I was about to start tormenting my tongue again. It is said that the first time a father heard his daughter had a boyfriend, it felt like a farmer uncle had worked hard to get a whole season's cabbage only to be snuffed by a pig. But the first time a father heard his son had a girlfriend, it felt like a pig he had worked so hard to raise finally learned to pick cabbages.
11. Yesterday I went to a female classmate's house. She used to have a crush, but now she's married with a daughter. The little girl was adorable and said she wanted to acknowledge me as her father. I said, "What's the benefit of being your dad?" The little girl said, "I can sleep with mom." Immediately, her mom's face flushed and she lowered her head. I wondered, did someone teach the little girl this?
12. A girl I rarely contacted suddenly asked me to borrow 2,000 yuan on QQ yesterday. I immediately thought she was a scammer and wanted to tease her, so I readily agreed. Then five minutes later, the phone rang and asked where I was, coming to get money from me. Classmate girl, wait, wait, it's not what you think, let's have a proper talk again!!
13. My wife went out yesterday afternoon, her phone kept turned off, and she just got back, holding roses and Hermès. Her bag had half a box of chocolates and four Durex cakes, plus a breakfast from a Home Inn hotel. She said she drank too much with her best friend last night and slept at her place. This morning, she passed by the hotel entrance and saw the young couple arguing. She threw away everything and picked it up. There were too many people and she was afraid someone would pick it up. She even broke both knees while fighting over the bag. Should I trust her?
\14. Today, the old man's lumbar disc herniation flared up. I took him to the hospital for a checkup. While reversing, he accidentally bumped a beautiful woman's bicycle. The woman cursed out loud: "Fuck you, how can you drive!" The old man rolled down the window and said, "Miss, I'm sorry. I'm his grandpa, don't be angry, anything can be discussed!" The woman blushed and quickly left. I gave the old man a thumbs up: Sir, you're amazing!15. One time I was in a hurry to go to the bathroom, and when I squatted down, I farted really loudly. Then I heard a friend next to me say, 'Damn! Bro, do you have any toilet paper? That huge fart just scared the paper into the toilet.'
16. A few days ago, I saw a 17 or 18-year-old cute girl on the street. She was walking with a limp but smiling, which moved me to tears at the time. What a determined girl despite her disability. Later, when I saw both her knees bruised, I suddenly realized that she was in pain!
17. Before an exam, I went out into the corridor to smoke and saw a long-legged girl in stockings approaching from a distance. A friend suddenly took a few strong drags of his cigarette. When she walked by, he 'accidentally' flicked a big chunk of ash from the tip of the cigarette precisely onto her leg. He exclaimed in shock, apologizing and gently patting her leg repeatedly. Watching it, I thought… perfect new skill!
18. My friend's wife was squatting in the bathroom for 20 minutes, and we were all waiting. I said, 'Why is it so slow? What's going on?' My friend said, 'Wait a bit.' Then he turned off the Wi-Fi router, and she came out in 2 minutes…
19. One night I was doing house chores and asked my husband to get our son to sleep first. Two hours later, I gently opened the door and asked, 'Is he asleep?' 'He's asleep,' answered our son.
20. After work today, I heard the couple next door arguing. I roughly heard the woman say, 'Listen to the neighbors, how amazing they are! And you?' I thought, damn, is she talking about me? So that night, I turned the volume on my computer up a bit more…
21. What's the difference between someone poor and someone rich? Standard answer: it's the difference between seeing a big treasure every day and enjoying a big spa every day.
22. Today I asked a goddess, 'Do you know what XO means?' She answered, 'A type of foreign liquor…' I continued, 'Then what about XXOO?' Embarrassed, she said, 'Stop, don't talk about male-female love stuff here…' I then passionately said, 'Your brain's gone soft… XXOO is just two bottles of XO!'
23. Today, I don't know who was so bored that they took away the trash in front of our dorm, causing me to search for a long time before finally finding my own dorm door!!
24. My phone plan included 500 minutes of calls, and at the end of the month, I still had more than half left. Yesterday, I called the goddess. She asked, 'Why did you suddenly think of calling me?' I said, 'Well, it's the end of the month and I haven't used up my minutes yet!'The goddess said: So it's free, your call is free, but my phone still needs power!\25. Today I wanted to buy some insoles and asked: How much are the insoles per pair? The aunt replied: Four yuan. Is three yuan okay? Aunt: No, the cost price is already three yuan seventy! If I buy a few pairs for three yuan, is it okay? Aunt said: Then you give me ten yuan, I'll give you three pairs! I thought about it, the cost price is three yuan seventy, for ten yuan she will sell me three pairs, she's losing money to sell to me! In today's world, doing business is not easy, I can't take this big advantage, so I turned around and left! I feel I am too kind.\26. With my OCD and mischievous hands, I saw a guy in front on the subway whose down jacket was shedding. I couldn't help but pull out a feather. When the tip of the feather came out, I instantly felt relaxed. Damn, I kept pulling until the guy got off! Before leaving, he turned back and said to me: Miss, stop pulling, soon your down jacket will become a windbreaker...\27. A beggar on the roadside said to me: "Sir, please, could you give me two yuan to buy a bread?" I saw his bowl was empty, so I bought a bread and went back to him and said: "See the receipt? The bread has gone up to three yuan, even with two yuan you can't buy it!"\28. A: “Are you there?” B: “Yes, can you lend me some money?”\29. I had lunch at a restaurant, and a customer complained to the owner that a child was too noisy, affecting the dining environment. I felt sorry at the time, so I gave the child a beating. On the way home, I kept thinking: "Whose child is this anyway? That was satisfying!"\30. At noon, I was playing a racing game, officially competing with a colleague. Suddenly she lay on the table motionless. I asked her: “Why aren't you playing?” She said: “I'm car sick...”\31. Lying on the bed playing with my phone, I suddenly loosened my hand and the phone fell. Fortunately, my sister reacted quickly, and it rolled to the side. Great, I wasn't hit by the phone. The phone lay quietly on the pillow, I lay quietly on the floor...\32. It was snowing here, and cars were hard to get. I chased a bus, and just as I stood ready to get on, many people were still lined up. A girl behind was running fast, slipped, and we five or six people all fell down. A middle school student immediately said: “No way, are we playing bowling?”33. The school organized a cultural and artistic event. Xiaoming wore a black suit and hat, and accompanied by music, imitated a segment of MJ's dance moves. There was applause from the audience. After it ended, the principal personally commented on Xiaoming: "I didn't expect your imitation of Chaplin to be quite accurate!"
34. In the cafeteria, I saw an extremely rude guy losing his temper at the cafeteria manager: "Look at the porridge in your cafeteria, I can drink it even with a mask on."
35. I will never dare to get in a female driver's car again. It was my first time encountering a driver who, when about to crash, didn't press the brakes but covered her eyes...
36. My girlfriend has a flat chest; even an A-cup bra is empty. Once, while chatting, I said: "You deceived me. I didn't expect it to be all pushed out!" She said: "Those that look bigger are also pushed out." I said: "Yeah, I can accept a fake for a hundred yuan, but I can't accept that even for one yuan it's all fake."
36. Arranging a date with a tomboy friend. After dinner, she immediately changed her high-end high heels to Nikes. Curious, I asked: "What happened?" She said: "You'll see soon." Then, after she put on her shoes, she smiled at me with pursed lips and ran off in a flash...
37. Mornings in the north are extremely cold, below minus ten degrees. This morning, my girlfriend and I were discussing who would buy breakfast, but neither of us wanted to go. My girlfriend said: "Let's flip a coin. If you guess right, I'll go; if not, you'll go." I decisively agreed. My character is good. My girlfriend took out a coin, grabbed it in her hand, and asked: "Which year?? Which year??" Gosh, you can't play like this!
38. On a blind date, I met a food-loving girl. She didn't ask about my car, house, or salary, but asked if I could cook. When she heard I couldn't, she asked if I would be willing to learn culinary skills. I said I wasn't willing, so she didn't say anything further, but ate all four servings of food I had ordered, bought only half the bill, and left, leaving empty plates behind.
39. Family arranged a blind date; I was getting along well with the girl, then suddenly she asked if I had younger brothers. I said: "Yes, quite a few!" She asked: "Do you have biological brothers?" I looked down, a bit embarrassed, and said: "This difficulty level is too high, I can't do it!"
40. Carried something heavy onto the subway, a young couple was joking and laughing. The man saw me and stood up to give his seat. I declined, but he insisted, so I said thanks and sat down.Later, the girl got up to accompany the boy standing. Girl: There are so many people standing on the bus, yet you insist on giving up your seat to a girl. Aren't you afraid I'll get jealous? Boy: I only chose someone who isn't good-looking because I know you're petty!
Postscript: A guy went to an internet cafe to use the computer, and suddenly he urgently needed to go to the bathroom. There were people inside, so he waited outside. 5 minutes passed, 10 minutes passed, 15 minutes passed... He couldn't hold it anymore and knocked on the door: Hey buddy inside, can you hurry up?! Someone inside replied: Damn, finally someone arrived. Hey buddy, do you have any toilet paper?
