1. Husband received his salary and brought it home, intending to please his wife.
He said to his wife, "Dear, I got paid. Give me a kiss and the money is yours."
The wife remained indifferent. Seeing that his wife had no reaction, the husband called out again: "If you don't come, I'll go find someone to take care of me and give her all the money."
The wife calmly replied, "If you dare to do that, I'll earn back the money the same way you spend it."
2. The wife suddenly asked her husband, "Do you love me?"
"Yes, of course!" the husband answered without hesitation.
The wife thought for a moment and asked again, "Are you saying that because you're afraid of hurting me?"
The husband quickly said, "No, no, I'm saying it because I'm afraid you will hurt me."
3. Xiaoming was bad at math, and his parents transferred him to a church school. Six months later, he got all A's in math.
His mother asked, "Was it because the nuns taught well? Or was it the textbooks? Or prayer? ..."
"None of that," Xiaoming said, "On the first day at school, I saw someone nailed on a plus sign, and I knew… they were serious."
4. In a public restroom, suddenly someone in a stall spoke: "Buddy, got any toilet paper?"
I checked my pockets, "Sorry, no."
After a few seconds, the person asked again, "Then do you have some small pieces of newspaper?"
I smiled helplessly, "Sorry, no, I just came to pee."
A few seconds later, a 10 yuan note was slipped under the stall door: "Can you change this into ten 1-yuan notes?"
I handed the money over, and a roar came from inside the stall: "Don't give me ten coins!"
5. Twenty years ago, dad held you while waiting for the bus. People laughed saying how ugly the child was, and dad cried.
An elderly banana seller patted dad and said, "Brother, don't cry, give a banana to the monkey! Poor thing, it's so hungry it's lost all its fur."
6. One day, a lady on a whim bought a female parrot. Unexpectedly, the first thing it said at home was: "Do you want to sleep with me?"
The lady thought, oh no, people will think I taught it this, it will ruin my lady image. She tried every method to get the parrot to say something elegant, but the parrot was determined and would only say one thing: "Do you want to sleep with me?""...What should I do? When the lady lost control, she heard that the priest also had a parrot (male), and that parrot, far from speaking vulgar words, was a devout believer, spending most of its time each day in prayer. So the lady went to the priest for help. After understanding her intention, the priest looked slightly troubled and said, 'This is difficult. Actually, the parrot hasn't been deliberately taught anything. Its devotion might simply be the result of long-term exposure here.'
Seeing the lady disappointed, the priest said, 'How about this, bring that parrot to me, and I will put them together. Hopefully, after some time, your parrot can be influenced. That's all I can do; whether it works will depend on God's will...'
Hearing this, the lady had no choice but to agree. Isn't there a saying: "One becomes red from proximity to cinnabar"? So she decided to try. She brought the parrot to the priest, and the priest kept his promise and placed the two parrots together. At first, the female parrot was a bit restrained, seeing the male parrot praying quietly in a corner of the cage, and truly didn't have the heart to disturb him. But she still couldn't control herself and finally said aloud, 'Do you want to sleep with me?'
The male parrot heard this, stopped praying, turned to the female parrot, and suddenly tears streamed down: 'Thank God, my prayer over all these years has finally been fulfilled...'
7. A young man trekked through deep mountains, overcoming dangers, and finally found a hermit living in seclusion. He eagerly asked, 'I am ugly. What should I do?'
'If you are ugly, you should be like me.'
The young man nodded: 'Calm in heart, minding only oneself?'
'No, if you are ugly, you should like me quickly find a deep mountain to hide.'
8. I am female. I used to weigh more than 140 jin, now I have slimmed down.
One day, I was preparing to go out and couldn't find the phone, so I used my dad's phone to call mine. When I called, my dad's phone flamboyantly displayed the words 'Big Fat Pig.'
9. Suddenly, the power went out. 'In this scorching heat, can people even survive? So annoying,' I complained.
My son, however, smiled beside me and said, 'I think the power outage is pretty good.'
Hearing this made me even angrier: 'In this scorching heat, what good is a power outage? You just talk nonsense!'"
My son lowered his head after I scolded him and muttered softly: 'If the power goes out, I won't have to do homework…'
10. A fisherman came back from fishing at night and saw his son getting cozy with the neighbor's girl under a fishing net. The fisherman angrily asked: 'What are you two doing?'
The son smiled and said: 'Dad, you don't get it. This is called online dating!'
11. Once the school asked us to buy learning materials, everyone paid 7 yuan, but to have some pocket money, I asked for 10 yuan. My mom didn't believe me and went to ask my classmate living across the street. I was so nervous that I almost told the truth.
Unexpectedly, when my mom came back she said: 'You didn't pay attention in class at all; it's actually 12 yuan!'
12. The subway was packed, but those girls preferred standing rather than sitting next to me on the empty seat. Even when I got off, no one came. 'Is it because my handsomeness makes their hearts flutter and they don't dare come near me? Should I wear a mask next time?'
I put on my socks and prepared to get off while reflecting.
13. After persistent effort, I broke the habit of playing on my phone before bed, but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I can't go my whole life without sleeping, right!
14. ——Research shows that the order of Chinese characters does not necessarily affect reading. For example, after you read this sentence, you will realize that the characters inside are all jumbled.
15. One evening by the river, Ah Q said to his new girlfriend: 'I can say one word to make you laugh.' The girlfriend said she didn't believe him. At this moment, Ah Q went up to a dog, fell to his knees with a plop, and shouted: 'Dad.' The moment drew everyone's laughter. Ah Q turned to his girlfriend and shouted another word: 'Mom.'
16. A man ran into the train car, shouting anxiously: 'There's a lady fainted in the next car, who brought whiskey?'
Soon, a passenger handed over some whiskey.
The man took it, drank several large sips, then returned the bottle to the passenger and said: 'Thank you so much. I feel uneasy whenever I see a lady faint, now I feel much better.'
17. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river but caught nothing, so it went home.
On the second day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, still caught nothing, and went home."On the third day, just as the little white rabbit arrived at the riverbank, a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit: 'If you dare use a carrot as bait again, I'll beat you to death!' 18. Customer: 'Why does the wine you sell have no taste of alcohol?' The waiter took it and smelled it: 'Ah, I'm really sorry, I forgot to mix the alcohol for you.'
