---------- Classic Quotations Teacher: Little classmate, do you know what an old maid is? Idiot: My dad said that those who have not been dealt with are called spinsters. (I sweat) The teacher teaches you how to pronounce the word "bei". Teacher: Junior classmate, I think that in addition to your substandard pronunciation, you also have some problems with your head. The teacher can enlighten you. Do you have a bed at home? Idiot: Yes. Teacher: What is that on the bed? Idiot: Bedsheet Teacher: What's on the bedsheet? Idiot: My mother Teacher: What is that on your mother? Idiot: My dad (sweating violently...) Teacher: What's on your dad's quilt? Idiot: No more. Teacher: What about your quilt? Idiot: I was kicked to the bed by them. Teacher: Nantong Prefecture and North Tong Prefecture, North and South Tongzhou lead to North and South. Idiot: Male students and female students, and male and female students give birth to male and female students. Teacher: Fragrant flowers are not red, red flowers are not fragrant, roses are red and fragrant. Idiot: Loud farts don't stink, smelly farts don't make noise, serial farts stink and are loud. Teacher: The big fish eats the small fish, the small fish eats the shrimp, the shrimp eats water, and the truth comes out. Fool: Your husband presses you, you press the bed, the bed presses the ground, and the earth shakes (You are so talented, haha) Recitation: Monitor: Spring sleeps until dawn. Classmate: I hear birds singing everywhere. Classmate: The sound of wind and rain at night. Idiot: A girl turns into a sister-in-law (How did you come up with this) Teacher: Make a big head out of you. Monitor: Boil the beans and burn the beans. Classmate: The beans are crying in the cauldron. Classmate: We are from the same family. Idiot: Brother-in-law, Pao Aunt (I am completely speechless =. =). Teacher: Paopao. Teacher: Who taught you all this? Idiot: The squad leader taught me. Monitor: You hammer, **** your mother. Idiot: You lied to me again (poor child). Idiot: Teacher, those two of yours are off. Teacher: Don't worry about me, mine is an automatic wave. Idiot: Your one is an automatic wave, and I am a manual wave. (Uh, I'm dizzy 4) Perform three and a half sentences Monitor: The new *** has arrived. Classmate: Family planning is very important. Classmate: What is the most reliable thing to ask? Idiot: Wear a condom (I faint). Teacher: Wear... No, replace this sentence and repeat it. . Monitor: The new *** has arrived. Classmate: Family planning is more important. Classmate: What is the most reliable thing to ask? Idiot: (takes out a pair of scissors and points to a certain part) Haha, cut it off. . . . . (Bored =.=) It turns out that frequent earthquakes are caused by cell phone vibrations! ! ! -------------------- Earthquakes around the world are becoming more and more frequent. From the Wenchuan earthquake to the current earthquake in Japan, each one is more violent than the last. , caused people to panic, and combined with the ancient Mayan prophecies, many people felt that this was a harbinger of the destruction of the earth. I am a calm and rational person. I never believe in any prophecies. In my eyes, those are all manifestations of ignorance. So, amidst everyone's panic, I fell into deep thought... However, due to my limited knowledge, I could never find a convincing explanation. Seeing people's panic deepening day by day, I became more and more anxious. I spent all my time thinking about it, but my gains were still very limited. Inspiration will always burst out inadvertently. As the saying goes, you can't find it anywhere without wearing iron shoes, and it takes no effort to get it. An accidental incident finally made me discover the reason for the recent frequent earthquakes. Since the workshop is very quiet, we all set our mobile phones to vibrate when we go to work. At noon the day before yesterday, when I was concentrating on work, my phone vibrated. Normally, I would pick up the phone and answer it, but now, the vibration reminded me of an earthquake! It suddenly dawned on me that it was the vibration of my cell phone that caused frequent earthquakes! Think about it, everyone, how huge are the number of mobile phone users in the world now? How many people set their phones to vibrate?Vibration is like electric current, it is conductive. The electric current flows from the positive pole to the negative pole, while the vibration is directed from the ** to the earth. Billions of vibrations gather underground and become a powerful energy! After a period of time, when energy accumulates to a certain level, an earthquake will occur. There were no mobile phones before, so earthquakes only happened occasionally. Now, with more mobile phones and more vibrations, earthquakes are more frequent. After figuring this out, I was so happy that I discovered the truth! I decided to quit my job immediately, and immediately reported it to the Chinese Academy of Sciences to apply for this year's Nobel Prize in Physics. With the bonus of more than one million US dollars, I would no longer have to work, and I would be able to eat and drink well all day long. In addition, I would like to solemnly issue a warning to all mobile phone users: in order to reduce the occurrence of earthquakes, please do not use the vibration function of your mobile phone! I admired apples, so I accidentally hit Newton and became famous. ---------Pomegranate: I admire Peanut. I live in a two-bedroom apartment. Those with good conditions live in two bedrooms and one living room. Unlike me, a whole family is crowded into a dormitory. Peanut: I admire melon seeds. I have a room per person and it's comfortable to live in. Unlike me, we have to share a house. Guazi: I admire steamed buns, they are white and plump, unlike me, who are skinny and slim. Steamed buns: I admire steamed buns. Not only do they have beautiful hairstyles, but they also have plenty of food in their stomachs. Baozi: I admire Ma Huaer, that little braid is so feminine. Mahua: I admire youtiao, and those pigtails are much thicker than mine. Youtiao: I admire stinky tofu. Although it doesn't smell pure, it's still lovable. Stinky Tofu: I adore mustard, it can always move people to tears. Mustard: I adore potatoes. I am a typical versatile girl. I want to turn potato chips into potato chips, I want to turn into French fries into French fries, and I can also turn into mashed potatoes. French fries: I admire tomatoes. At first glance, he looks like a superstar in the entertainment industry. He is quite popular. Tomatoes: I admire grapes, they are really red and purple. Grapes: I admire red dates. They are not only red, but also sweet. More importantly, they are praised by others. Hongzao: I admire watermelon. Not only is it plump like Concubine Yang, but it also has a red heart. Watermelon: I admire cantaloupe. People are born with body fragrance, so there is no need to spend money on expensive perfume. Cantaloupe: I admire chestnut, and some people are vying to "hype" it. Li Yunlong's letter to the AFC ------- Dear AFC Chairman, His Excellency Harman: Hello, I am Li Yunlong, the commander of the 129th Independent Regiment of the Eighth Route Army. Originally, football matters are not our business. Now that we're not at war, I just use my old basket weaving skills to make bird cages when I have free time, and spend my weekends at the bird and flower market trying to sell them at a good price. Nowadays, medical treatment is expensive, and my wife no longer works in the hospital. It is not easy to rely only on the pension! Okay, the previous part is bullshit, the next thing is important. Logically speaking, if I, Li Yunlong, take people to participate in the competition, I can send a cooking class to conquer Asia! If we really let Zhang Dabiao, Wei Monk or the cavalry company, let alone Burma, it would be Brazil, Argentina, etc., the people of my independent group will still destroy them. Who is afraid of whom? It would be fine for Ding Wei, the penniless boy, to lead a dozen people, or Kong Erlengzi to lead a new group of people. Taking a step back, if Chu Yunfei leads the 358th Regiment, he can still give them a try. But now, who are we going to? Although the price of meat is rising now, the pigs of the Chinese football team are worth a lot. Our Chinese football team members, over the years, have been eating milk and milking grass; drinking imported Australian "Inejo" wine, but they have grown bandy legs that can only kick fucking stinky balls, but every one of them is very good, damn s_b, every fucking one has become a rich man. It is said that if a soldier is raging, a general will be raging in a nest. As for our Chairman Xie Yalong, it is indeed a bit humiliating for him to be the chairman of the Football Association.It would be a pity that a person as educated as him, who can recite Tang poems that even a three-year-old child can recite, does not teach children to recite Tang poems in an extracurricular interest class in a kindergarten, or does not allow him to go to Sanlitun to fool those old ladies. Although he has not finished Chinese football yet, facts have proven that he, like his predecessor, can only play the erhu in his crotch and nonsense about football. Mr. Harman, look, our football team is really not good! But why don't we send someone else? Do you know why we, Lao Li, were sent to a garment factory to do embroidery even though we won the battle? Mr. Lao Ha, this is China, this is Chinese characteristics. In China, there are some things you will never understand. Once the question is put like this, you will understand: Look, you are so fucking grouped, don't you think you are bullying others? Letting our pigs and their people kick is putting them on the pork stage. You didn't hit anyone, but you put yourself in it. This is obviously a loss-making business. It was only 1:0 against the Maldives. Now it's better. The tsunami helped us destroy the Maldives. We were happy for a few days, but now you divide Myanmar! Look, Myanmar is much bigger and better than the Maldives, right? In the first match against Myanmar, even if they qualify, they may encounter Nepal and Mongolia. These are all strong teams! You said, by grouping us in this way, wouldn't you use the worst tricks against us? You are in such a group. If these pigs in our family are not slaughtered this year, they probably won't make it past the 15th day of next year. Tell me, how can you play like this? Your Excellency, you are a person who has seen the world, and you are also a person in the AFC who is afraid of others. Therefore, I would like to propose to you: First, if the current Chinese Football Association continues to organize Chinese football team games, the Asian Football Confederation must send Chinese referee Huang Jun* to officiate all games involving the Chinese team; Second, you may use your rights to ask the AFC to designate my independent team for the Chinese team games. I sent 11 people to play with them. The one who wins the kick will eat pork; the one who loses his arms and legs from the kick will have no pork to eat because of his incompetence! Third, alternatively, you designate Zhou Xingchi to represent China in the competition. I quite like this guy. I think it works! If you do not agree to the above three items, I, Li Yunlong, will choose a day to challenge you! You can use guns and cannons as you please, I'll just use my big knife and see if I don't chop your little one in pieces! Let's see who dares to bully our pigs in the future. Sincerely, That Salute Li Yunlong, Commander of the Independent Regiment of the 129th Division of the Eighth Route Army If the squad leader of your class "died", what would you do? ----------- 1 Send him to Egypt and make him a mummy to live forever in the world 2 Kick down a chair, pick up a weapon and shout "Damn it, another one dies, brothers, fight with the teacher!" Then rise up 3 Rush to the podium and grab the teacher's neck "It's all you, you killed my monitor, I want to avenge him" 4 Silently looking at the monitor, "Damn it, another one has been killed." 5 Pull out all his hair and tell everyone that the monitor is dead. 6 After confirming that he is dead, get all the study materials and notes to complete his legacy and study hard for him. 7 Take care of his wife for him until she becomes your own wife. 8 Strip him naked and hang it at the school gate to warn classmates not to work too hard, otherwise they will die on the desk. 9 Grab his ID card. In order not to make his parents sad, survive for him after plastic surgery. 10 Plant him on the playground. Next year there will be many monitors who can circle the earth twice. 11 Silently cover it with a white cloth as if nothing happened. 12 Go up and kick him to confirm that he is dead, and then curse "Holy shit". 13 Think he is asleep. Don't disturb him. These ten luxuries in life... ------- 1. Get a good night's sleep every day; 2. There are always family members to cover you when you fall asleep; 3. When you want to travel, you have friends you can talk to who are willing to take time off to accompany you; 4. The health of being able to carry a bag around the world; 5. A comfortable job; 6. There is always someone to remind you to put on more clothes on windy days; 7. A healthy figure that looks beautiful even in a cheap T-shirt;8. Always have the mood and time to read quietly; 9. Have eternal freedom in your heart; 10. Dare to give up. The latest trendy image! Urgent reminder! ——————————————- He was chewing White Rabbit toffee in his mouth, wearing a Plum Blossom brand sportswear and Pull-back rubber shoes, pedaling a Phoenix bicycle, and carrying a Seagull camera. ---(“国货风”下最新潮人形象) ----------------------------- 近日恐有雷电现象,出门时请把手机放头上,并将充电器连线插上并拖于身后,用于避雷,切记! ! ! "The roll call was so hilarious that the teacher almost died of anger" ------- When the school started to call the roll, a class teacher came up with an original idea and said to the students: "I'm going to read the student number. You can tell us your names so that everyone knows each other."